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What do I do now?

(58 Posts)
Whatsername17 Sun 29-May-16 06:02:33

I can't believe I am typing this. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 6. We are in our early 30s. We had issues at the beginning of our relationship mainly due to our age. We broke up whilst I was at uni, got back together 6 months later, older, wiser. Things were different. Moved in, got married, had dd who is almost 5. Fast forward to September last year and we tried for number 2. I got pregnant then miscarried at 13 weeks in January. We were both devestated. I've been struggling with the mc and had a period at work where I was very busy. 2 weeks of stress and needing h to pick up the slack with the house. We had also ttc but I was having no success. My periods were all over the place. During this time, H has gotten far too close to a 23 year old girl he works with. He works with mostly females, so when her name cropped up more and more I didn't really think much of it. I don't mind him being friends with women. Looking back, he had started to become secretive about his phone and spent more time texting than usual. A week ago, he asked me if it bothered me how close he and this girl were. He asked me, apparently, because 'she is young and pretty' and he 'just wondered' ??. It came out of left field and started a warning bell ringing. I said I wasn't but told him I was unhappy that he always seemed to be texting 'work friends' even though he'd spent all day with them and that bothered me. We ended up having a massive row because he tried to make me out to be unreasonable and stopping him from having friends. He ended up apologising but I still felt like there was more to it. He kept going on about how this girl was a 'really good friend'. Then he mentioned that she had asked him to go for a drink to discuss 'work problems' and I said it made me feel very uncomfortable and that I thought he was getting too close. He went mad again making out like I was irrational and picking holes in our relationship saying we were never going to survive. Once again, I called him on it and he eventually apologised saying he was stressed. Yesterday he spent the day with his family in Chelsea, a family thing they do every year. I had dd and my niece. I got a few texts from him in the day and when he got home he was texting again. I asked him who and he admitted this girl. We argued because I just couldn't believe after all of the upset he could actually not go one day without texting her. He accused me of being irrational so I asked to look at the texts. He said no and made excuse after excuse about why he wasn't going to 'give in to me'. He then went to the toilet and, shock, after 10 minutes in the bathroom with his phone announced I could read them if it would 'put an end to all of this'! I told him I wasn't stupid and I knew he'd have removed anything incriminating. He became all incredulous but I looked at the messages anyway. There were 80 texts at least between them just yesterday. He'd spent the whole day texting her pictures and updates. Before that daily texts about everything and anything. I called him out and this time he crumbled. He said that they'd been flirting and that he was attracted to her and that two weeks ago the texts had become sexual one night whilst I was out with work. They had met on the Monday to discuss how things had gone 'too far' and agreed it was a 'one time thing'. Since then they have texted pretty much constantly albeit not sexual. Although if they'd met up for that drink I doubt it would have stayed that way. To top it all of, I'm 5 weeks 3 days pregnant. We've known for 10 days and he has still put me through this shit. Nothing physical has happened but he 'doesn't know how he feels' about her. He is a fucking arse hole. What do I do?

FoxyLaRoxy Sun 29-May-16 09:07:39

I'm sorry OP that you are having such a hard time. Your husbands behaviour is awful towards you. Could you ask him to leave for a while? That you need to think about what you want, whether he deserves to be in your life or not. May take the wind out his sales and give him a kick up the ass that he obviously needs. Hugs to you and congrats on the baby.

Halfwayoranges Sun 29-May-16 09:17:06

What horrible behaviour.

I think if you told him you want him to leave so you can think, and do this calmly, you might find he's begging your forgiveness within a week. Let him talk all he wants to this woman... She's 23, there's so many reasons why leaving him to pursue that will shock him into realising what a mess he has made.

I hope you're ok. Really think you need to ask for time apart so if he does come back, you know it's genuine, and you have a stronger position so he knows this isn't ok.

Pearlman Sun 29-May-16 09:19:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Sun 29-May-16 09:20:05

What a fucking embarassing cliché he is

How can you look at him. He would have to go.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 29-May-16 09:22:56

So he's been having an emotional affair?

In your shoes I would be asking myself if I wanted to have this baby? As you could potentially be raising two children alone

He's clearly excited by this girl and at 23 I bet she doesn't have a clue of the implications of what she is upto

If you asked him to leave I think based on what you have said he'd be gone like a shot

Whatsername17 Sun 29-May-16 09:25:08

He's reached grovelling stage now. He's promising to cut all contact and can't believe how stupid he has been. Blah blah. He is an embarrassing cliché. I've told him it's over and to leave. It's so pathetic. He is now saying he felt low and the attention was nice but he doesn't have feelings for her just wanted her friendship. Please.

HeffalumpHistory Sun 29-May-16 09:26:51

I have to agree with AF

Sorry for you op. Complete pathetic twat though. Everyone is different & I always say it's easy for strangers to tell you on the Internet when they're not going through it in RL but this is a total deal breaker for me. The 23yo would be welcome to him.
She's still young & sounds like an idiot. I'd hope she'd get older & look back horrified at her actions. What's his excuse? (Said in mind of my wild 23yo self. NEVER anything like this but there are still things I'm shock at now)

QuiteLikely5 Sun 29-May-16 09:27:20

That was not friendship, friends do not talk about sex with each other!!!

He took you for a fool

HeffalumpHistory Sun 29-May-16 09:30:20

Just saw your update.
He's been low. And you haven't? Aren't you supposed to be in these things together? Go out with a mate & vent if you need. Before he says that's what she is, you all ready know that's utter bollocks & he's prob never saw her as a mate but someone he fancies

Lweji Sun 29-May-16 09:31:47

More than anything it feels to me like he's been doing his best to make you jealous of her.
Was he hoping you towed some line to keep him happy? That you fought for him as an ego booster?

Not sure what his game is, but it should be one you're not playing. You're worth a lot more. You should be able to trust your partner.

Whatsername17 Sun 29-May-16 09:33:57

I'm 100% keeping my baby. We've been trying for 10 months and I lost a baby at 13 weeks in January. I know that he has had his head turned because she has paid him attention. He's tried to have his cake and eat it. She's and ego boost. He's just a stupid shit head. Things have been so tough since the mc, I've had a stressful time at work and ignored him a bit because of it (Still managed to make a baby though) and he has done this. I've told him to leave and he is refusing. I'm making him tell his parents what he has done and I'm making him leave. We will see once and for all if it's just the embarrassment he is frightened of. He wanted this baby. Ttc was his idea. He has no excuse for his ridiculous behaviour.

hownottofuckup Sun 29-May-16 09:34:17

It seems like he wanted you to mind/find out. I wonder why?
In my experience there's no going back once someone has betrayed me/bought this into our relationship. It just sullys the whole thing and makes it worthless.
But everyone is different, and some do manage to move past it etc, or so I hear.
I would be most interested though in why he bought it to my attention in the first place.

thedogdaysareover Sun 29-May-16 09:38:51

Oh hells teeth. You poor woman. Talk about rubbing your face in it. I'm sorry. Hopefully you will get some good advice about practicalities now, I wish you all the best.

Whatsername17 Sun 29-May-16 09:47:56

I know exactly why he asked me that question. He wanted to see if I was growing suspicious because I'd commented on not understanding what he could possibly have to talk about with work colleagues in the evening when he'd seen them all day. At this point, he says, they had agreed that the sexual conversation was wrong and agreed that their partners would like it so they'd not do it again. After that he just kept texting her 'as friends' but has admitted it was over the top because he wanted her attention to boost his ego and didn't know how to get out of it. The fact that she asked him to go for a drink shows that she was starting to think there was potential for something to happen. He told me she'd asked and he said no. But got pissy when I said it would be inappropriate. Stupid twat constantly bemoans the fact that we aren't in the honeymoon phase anymore. When will he realise that the honeymoon doesn't last for any couple but what you are left with is something so much deeper? I've already told him to go be with her and then he might realise that it won't last. He's crying and saying he doesn't want that. Twat twat twat.

Whatsername17 Sun 29-May-16 09:48:43

Wouldn't like it^

Lweji Sun 29-May-16 09:54:27

He's crying and saying he doesn't want that.

Does it really matter what he wants at this stage?

I'd see what he does living away from you. If he worked hard at rebuilding your relationship or if he goes straight for that woman.
Assuming you'd ever want to give him a second chance.

Whatsername17 Sun 29-May-16 10:01:07

You are completely right. What he wants doesn't matter. I'm not going to stop any contact between him and dd and he can see her as much as he likes. That way the only thing he loses is me. See if he actually gives a shit.

ElspethFlashman Sun 29-May-16 10:01:59

He's going to cry and wail all day until you give in.

I guarantee he won't cut contact. He'll "feel too guilty" about being that abrupt with her. Oh and he needs her as a back up in case you really do kick him out. He also works with her so no chance of no contact logically.

It's a stalemate today, regardless of the weeping and wailing. Make sure you don't crack.

TheoriginalLEM Sun 29-May-16 10:02:10

she has a partner though . might be different if she didn't. tough shit buddy! make him leave

Costacoffeeplease Sun 29-May-16 10:02:20

Tough shit if it's not what he wants

Him texting this other girl wasn't what you wanted either

Whatsername17 Sun 29-May-16 10:08:07

I pointed that out to him (about her partner) I asked him if she dumped her boyfriend would he go there. He said no. I asked him again and he said he couldn't say 100%for sure. So yes. He honestly does think he is hard done to in terms of our relationship. He thinks we should be having sex constantly and I should be fawning all over him because that 'proves' I love him. The normal, day to day affections don't count. I absolutely hate him. I've made him text his mum to ask if she can have dd for a while and I'm making him tell her what he has done so that he can move back in. They know I'm pregnant. I hope they shout at him.

bomfunk Sun 29-May-16 10:09:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SadfaceMary Sun 29-May-16 10:18:16

Pack his bags and tell him to go, temporarily to give you some space if nothing else. What a wanker. Make sure his family know what a twat he is too. And maybe drop the ows boyfriend a message too, he doesn't deserve to be in the dark either.

BossyOfficerFlossie Sun 29-May-16 10:32:37

Whatever outcome you eventually decide you want, getting him to leave now is essential. Otherwise he will go on to minimise all of this. Making him leave may help him realise that although nothing physical actually happened he was way way over the boundaries and has threatened his relationship with you. It also means he has to acknowledge and explain his behaviour to others. Having him out of the picture for a couple of weeks will let you decide how you feel, about him, the affair, your relationship and the baby. If he is utterly contrite, acknowledges fully what he has done, and has an active plan to make things different and better then you may consider working on things. But whatever you decide it is way easier to make a decision with him not around.

So sorry this is happening to you, especially when pregnant. My OH did similar when I was six weeks pregnant, in amongst all the early scans and excitement. And I found out when I was seven months pregnant. The timing is awful. But you will get through this in time and we are always here if you need a rant.

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