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I'm lost...

(24 Posts)
Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 01:54:32

I love my DP, but we've been through so much. He's refused to change his Facebook relationship status from single despite the fact we've been back together for 9 months and living together 7 months. We previously lived together 6/7 years and we have 2 DC, not married. Past issues include cheating and lying.
He's shadey about alot of things, but great other ways. I'm exhausted and feel like just disappearing. It wouldn't be fair on the kids if I did, but I feel like doing it to teach him a lesson, and because I'm very very down. What do I do?

FrancisdeSales Sun 29-May-16 02:01:32

It definitely doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. If he won't commit to you it probably is a sign to move on.

ilovelamp82 Sun 29-May-16 02:04:32

Leave him. No life is worth living like this. You don't trust him. By the sounds of it for very good reason. So you never will trust him. Although you will feel sad initially and it may feel like a bit of an upheaval, day by day you will get back to your old self again before you had to occupy all your headspace with the shit he has caused. Life will be better I promise. Staying with someone who lies and cheats will eat away at the person you are from the inside out until you don't know which way is up. You deserve better. Even if you don't feel like it, you do. You really do. And so do your kids.

Hope things get better for you. For starters though, just stop thinking about him and look after yourself a little bit. Have a bath, read books, do your nails, have drinks with your friends. Think about yourself.

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 02:05:28

I've tried to before when we split ( my choice) I couldn't move on. It's so pathetic I know

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 02:08:25

Ilovelamp- thank you for the reply. I know you're right, but I've tried and I can't. I'm so so unhappy. If we didn't have kids it would be easier. I'm sticking misery

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 02:08:59

Stuck in misery *

ilovelamp82 Sun 29-May-16 02:17:52

So leave FOR them. Children have a habit of copying their parents relationships. Would you want that for them?

I know it's hard. I really do. But you have to come to a point that no matter what you do, you cannot change a man. So you either accept that this is your life forever or you do something to change it.

You are not pathetic. You are so low because you are in a relationship that has taken every shred of self esteem away from you, as it would any woman. You need to see the big picture. Visualise yourself in 6 months time, loving without stress, gaining your confidence back, enjoying your children, letting your children see their Mum happy and calm.

The alternative, staying with him, will never get better. Only worse. Though you feel down and weak, you will need to make the jump sometime.

You never meet a woman that's come out of a relationship like this saying, I wish I'd stayed and tried a bit longer. You only ever hear, why did I stay and put up with that for so long.

You are worth more than you feel like you are at this present moment. I promise. Don't waste precious time in your life with someone that doesn't love you. It will destroy you.

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 02:31:12

Ilovelamp- I hear you 100%, I want to believe everything you say, I dream about it, but I did it last year and was deeply unhappy. I don't have the kind of life that makes it easy to move on and meet people. I'm work a lot (alone), have the kids every spare moment and they are 2 and 3. I feel very trapped. He was very unreliable when we split. I'm feel trapped and lost. I ended last year to prove a point, make him see, I feel like I'm back here again.

I do really love him. I'm yearning that back, whilst he says it, he doesn't show it. I find out new lies he's told each week. I'm just done in. So sad when I want to make it work.

ilovelamp82 Sun 29-May-16 02:41:28

I believe that you love him. But being with someone that tells you they love you but actually doesn't completely messes with your head. You start to believe that's all you deserve and you don't. I really do know how hard it is but the longer you are away from him the stronger you will become. The longer you stay with him the more damage he will do to you and your kids.

Like I say first of all, if leaving is too big a jump start working on yourself to make yourself stronger. Get in contact and meet up with old friends you haven't seen in a while. Stop thinking about him. Start making a life for yourself that will make it easier for you to make the jump when you're feeling stronger.

Life is too short for this

ilovelamp82 Sun 29-May-16 02:43:43

You can't make it work by yourself. You need to get to the point where you realise that you are in love with the man he has the potential to be but not the man he actually is. He won't change. He's doesn't even have the decency to pretend he's changed. That's how little respect he has for you.

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 02:50:39

Thank you!

I don't really have anytime to work on myself. I work morning, noon, break for kids, then night. I get chastised if I take time for myself on the weekend. It was worse when we split. So im scared, well I'm exhausted. Self employed and work 60-80 hours a week, and DC2 doesn't sleep.

Ideal world is move on, meet someone that loves me... But don't think it'll ever happen.

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 02:53:01

Just saw your last post 'I love' - this is what I say all the time... You have no respect for me... Look at the way you treat me... No response.

I know I need to end it. I'm really not ready, I love him and I want my family together.

ilovelamp82 Sun 29-May-16 03:03:57

In what way was it worse when you split up? Surely that would mean you have some time to yourself. The fact that you are working a 60-80 hour week with children and he has the audacity to "chastise" you for havinh time to yourself should tell you how deeply wrong and abusive this realtionship is.

I know you want your family together. But do you want your family together under these circumstances? It is only going to get worse, not better.

If you seperate, you should have time to yourself to recover from this relationship. And I really mean that. You need ro recover. Being with a man like this is so damaging to your wellbeing. It's taken him however long you've been together to make you into this sad, low self esteem, depressed person you are today. Unravelling everything you've been through to figure out the your own thoughts about stuff without his influence takes time, but it's worth it. One day you will be the happy person that you were before you met him, it just takes time to recover.

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 03:32:51

It was a lot worse because I missed him so much. I was a mess, unable to be a proper mother, had insomnia, depression etc. He's been pretty horrific lately, but that's not how I remember him and how he is a lot of the time.

It's all so toxic, but I don't know how to break free and move on. Without the tie of children it would be much easier, but he's always going to be there. And when we don't live together he's hugely unreliable... And has no where to take the kids when he does have them, so I don't have any space.

I want to make this work, I want him to grow up. I want my kids to have their parents together. I'm kidding myself hey

thestamp Sun 29-May-16 05:01:35

How long were you apart when you split up last?

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 08:31:28

7 months... 9 months to him moving back in

Absinthe9 Sun 29-May-16 10:28:47

TBH I think you must start prioritising yourself. I understand the burden of being self-employed, but you can't keep working like that every week. You are working a more than full time job and you have very young children who must also run you ragged. If you don't put a better support structure in place something will snap and that will be you (been there, done that).

Obviously your DP is not someone to rely on so you need to build a structure independently of him. Once you have some time and some headspace you will be able to look at things more dispassionately and move on. At the moment you are firefighting everything.

I think you need to sit down either alone or, if you know the right person, with a really good friend who has your best interests at heart and look at everything in your life apart from your DP. For the moment just assume he does not exist. Your aim is to create the best possible structure for you, to support you and give you some free time without any element of reliance on him.

Start with childcare, because without that nothing else falls into place. What are your options (depends on budget of course). In an ideal world you'd live somewhere with a live-in nanny to free you up and give you flexibility for work. Could you afford an au pair with some additional nursery or day nanny support? What childcare options re available locally? Is there a good local childminder?

Then I'd look at your hours. I worked like this at one point too whilst my children were young and to be honest I look back on those years through a haze of tiredness. I ran on adrenaline for years and I suspect that is what you are doing too. You must take time to plan what you want, not him, not your children, you. Taking time for yourself is essential not a privilege.

What can you do to take the pressure off yourself at work? Could you afford to pay a part-time admin assistant or VA to take time consuming crap away from you? Which parts of your business make you the money and which are less lucrative? Could you outsource some of it? Remember, work smart. If you're that busy at present I guarantee you are working hard, but not smart.

What about where you live? Is it convenient for your work/nursery/future school? Try and build a structure which takes the strain off you as far as possible and avoids a long commute. At this point you can choose to live anywhere because you are not tied by schools so make the most practical choice for you and live in the most low maintenance home you can. Pay for a cleaner if you can afford it.

One thing I did right was to put my children in a primary school five minutes away from work. I blessed that so many times when I had to attend yet another assembly or school play.

Finally, look at your relationship. It seems clear your DP wants a semi-detached life. I'd suggest you go back to living separately and maybe date for a bit while you set up your life because that will make it easier for you to learn to live without him. Ultimately though I think you will have to accept that he is not going to step up and become a decent reliable person and that you are better off without him.

Luckyfuckyducky Sun 29-May-16 20:49:59

Thank you for your reply Absinthe

I have great childcare. It's the one thing sorted, but it's a huge financial pressure. I would prefer to cut costs with an au pair but I work from home so it would be impossible. The kids wouldn't understand they can't disturb me, and I'm on the phone a lot so the noise is problematic.

I've talked this through with close friends, before ending things last year and again recently. They give great advice but it doesn't help, as what I really want is my DP to have the same priorities as me. I think this is just a slow burn to realisation for me that I won't get what I crave and making the changes. I'm just so fed up of the lack of support, being unhappy, anxious and mistrusting. But I'm more unhappy without him. We'd have a wonderful life if we had no responsibilities.

I honestly contemplate just running away on my own ALOT- but I could never do it to my babies.

Slowdecrease Mon 30-May-16 13:35:40

Trust when I say it would be a lot HARDER not easier if you didn't have children. You have a responsibility to show your children what a healthy relationship is. THIS IS NEVER EVER GOING TO BE ONE. Put your love for this huge bellend aside for a moment and put the reality of your children's experience to the forefront. Get them out of this, now. You can love him from a distance if you like , but love youre kids enough to prove to them that their mother deserves respect and so should they.

Gide Mon 30-May-16 21:07:09

Whose house is it?

SandyY2K Mon 30-May-16 21:22:49

The problem is you want him to change to what he used to be and that's not going to happen. Unless you realise you can't change him you will be stuck in the same place.

As much as you love him, he doesn't show you love or respect and treats you as he does because you allow it. You left him because you weren't happy with things and got back with him and the same crap.

He never said he'd change, so in his mind you can't live without him, because you're accepting the same old same from him. That gives him the upper hand in your relationship. So really you can't blame him.

It's down to you to make a change in all this, otherwise 5 years from now you'll be in the same situation only older.

Leave while age is still on your side and have hope of a better relationship with someone else.

Unfortunately, the definition of insanity applies here. You're doing the same thing and dealing with the same person and expecting a different result. It's not gonna happen

Writingdragonfly Tue 31-May-16 09:29:13

I agree with all of the above, youre working yourself to breaking point that needs to stop, and you need to get this guy out, whether that happens in stages or one big leap is up to you but you need to be planning it. Mentally prepare yourself, you sound like an incredible mother and a catch, he is a moron if he cant see how great you are! Time alone away from the kids isnt going to be easy to come by when youre a mum anyway let alone in an emotionally abusive/exhausting relationship and working the equivalent of about 2 people's full time jobs!

smilingeyes11 Tue 31-May-16 10:56:31

You cannot change his behaviour. You have to accept that you can be ok on your own. I would suggest therapy to work out why the hell you think this excuse of a cheat is worthy of your time. Don't you deserve better than this?

And if you are single you will prob get WTC, reduced council tax and of course he will need to pay maintenance too. Why you work 60-80 hours a week, well you will kill yourself at that rate. You need a break. And stop focussing on meeting someone else to make you happy. You need to find happiness on your own first.

Luckyfuckyducky Wed 01-Jun-16 21:46:30

Thanks for all the replies. You're all very kind.

Slowdecrease – I don’t agree, it would be easier if we did not have children. After our 7 month split last year, I would not have had to see him all the time, rely on him for support, collecting the kids etc. Its easier if we did not have children. He’s actually mostly a really fantastic father as far as the kids are concerned, the kids adore him – putting aside how we are together, finances, responsibilities etc. Which is why I yearn more for our relationship. I agree with what you’re saying about showing the kids a healthy a relationship and experience, but they were also really negatively impacted by his loss in the house, and my severe depression & anxiety with him gone. They are finally doing ok, especially DC1.

I’m not a saint in this - Part of why we broke up was I think because I had undiagnosed PND, and I was very unhappy about everything all the time – never gave him a break etc. He retaliated by just hating on me with a lack of respect, and doing what he wanted a lot leaving me to it in particularly stressful times etc. I realized this after we split, and I’ve been working on myself a lot. However, I work, sort the kids solely every morning, and joint in the evening, do the shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning and I’m under huge financial pressure as everything comes out of my account. The financial situation is something that was agreed but should have changed with circumstances earlier last year, and he has been much better, but we don’t share pressures like that at all.

SandyY2K – Yes I agree with everything you say. My every waking though is how to make it work, how to be ok, how to not ruin my kids lives, how to be happy, wishing he would be different. This comes out in my communication with him, and he can’t be bothered to listen to ‘my shit’ as he puts it anymore.

Writingdragonfly – I don’t have any choice on the working front. I have to work to pay a large mortgage, childcare and everything else. Thank you so much for saying that - I am a great mum sometimes – I put them first in every waking thought, every long term plan, but life gets too much sometimes and I massively let myself down in how I deal with situations when I am stressed. I’m trying hard to be a calm go to mum, and occasionally I lose it.

His abusiveness to me, is also fueled by me to him. I can’t cope how much I have on or when I think he’s lying again, so I let rip. He says I’m abusive – I just see it as me venting how I can’t cope doing it on my own and need support, love, normality, trust, no lies etc. I have no idea what is right. Now, I just cry after broaching a subject gently, and getting no feedback or usually anger in response from him. I used to shout myself - So I have changed…. into a crying idiot generally.

Smilingeyes11 – I know – I can only change myself. Which I am trying to do every single day to make this work. I am a bit old school, I want my family together, I think relationships can sometimes be repaired. I know mumsnet is not the place that, that view is generally accepted though. BUT, I would have regrets if I did not try my very best. I won’t get any financial benefits if we split, I earn over all the thresholds.

Thank you all for your replies…. I’m still lost, in limbo. Hoping maybe a shock, or time will make things get back to how they were, or a slow burn to realization we wont ever work and we need to split.

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