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Yet another mismatched libido thread

(25 Posts)
SadfaceMary Sun 29-May-16 00:29:19

Dh and I have been together for 7 years and have 2 dcs. Sex has always been good, in the beginning it was 3-4 times a week, which then slipped back to 2-3 times a week after the dc. Fine because it suited both of us this way.

However, recently we seem to be having sex less. Some weeks will be ok, but some weeks we might only do it once a week. Which I know isn't terrible. But I start to get frustrated after 4 days. And it feels so humiliating and awful when dh rejects me. It never occurred to me until recently that 99% of the time, I initiate things. And now, every time he rejects me, I just want to stop trying altogether. It makes me feel like some kind of pervert, having to always make the first move, especially when he says 'not tonight'. I have also just realised now that I have never ever rejected him.

I know it's not the end of the world, once a week is enough for a lot of people. But not for me, and until recently dh felt the same. The rejection is worse than anything else though. And then there's this build up to when we do actually have sex and it makes it so awkward for me too. I've asked dh and he says he still loves me and finds me attractive but he just gets tired from work. I've tried spicing things up but it hasn't always worked and it makes me feel worse if I have made a special effort and he declines. Not sure if he looks at porn. He used to masterbates occasionally but not sure if he still does. Not sure what answers I'm looking for but hopefully writing it down will help unburden me.

BleakBetty Sun 29-May-16 00:37:54

First of all, you are not a pervert or even remotely weird for having a higher libido than him.

When you spoke to him did you impress upon him how important it is to you?

Isetan Sun 29-May-16 07:28:43

Sex drives change and your H no longer being up for it 3 times a week isn't reflection of how he feels about you. Is your self worth/ relationship so fragile that if you don't have sex multiple times a week you feel rejected?

You don't seem particularly attuned to his wants, it's all about you and how you feel and your 'needs' aren't the only consideration.

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 07:51:27

What an unkind thing to say isetan

It's completely normal to connect how you feel about yourself to your partner and their desire to be intimate with you.

It's also pretty normal for your sex drive to decline over the years.

I've been on both sides of this. It's awful being the one who always initiates it and is rejected. It's also pretty unpleasant to be the one who feels pressured.

In my experience, the best thing you can do is to back right off and let him do the initiating. That way, the pressure isn't there and he might be more interested.

SomeonesRealName Sun 29-May-16 07:54:12

Isetan what a mean thing to say. There's obviously more to this situation than just the normal deceleration from swinging from the chandeliers. OP says she is always the instigator, so it's not just the frequency that's concerning her - it's probably nothing to do with the frequency in fact.

OP your expectation of intimacy with your husband is entirely reasonable. If this is making you feel unhappy, you and your husband should address it together and try to find a way of mitigating the impact of his lower libido - if that genuinely is the issue, or working through whatever it is if not. It doesn't sound like your husband is open to doing this, which is probably the main source of your anxiety not the sex per se.

How is the relationship generally apart from this?

SadfaceMary Sun 29-May-16 09:15:26

Sometimes he apolgises the next day for turning me down but I don't think he understands how awful it makes me feel, and I am reluctant to tell him because it will make him feel more pressurised and will devastate him to know that I feel this way. I am very aware of not bugging him, as I don't want to make the situation worse.

Someone it is, as you say, not much to do with the frequency, but more to do with the fact that I am always the instigator. I feel like a sex pest. It's a horrible feeling. I am considering backing off altogether but I am afraid of where that might lead. It might close me off completely.

Apart from this, our relationship is good. He is a kind, loving, attentive father and husband. Works hard to provide for us. We do have intimacy- kisses and cuddles etc. I just don't know where this stumbling block has come from when it comes to sex. For instance, he came home from work the other evening and I was alone in the kitchen preparing dinner. He started kissing/cuddling/getting touchy feely with me. Whispering into my ear about later when the kids went to bed. Great. Except when we got to bed, I instigated contact which he then turned down, and has turned down every night since.

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 09:41:45

That's being cruel and a bit head fucky.

I think you do need to tell him how you're feeling. Theres a difference between talking and pressuring.

SadfaceMary Sun 29-May-16 10:12:44

I know he's not intentionally being cruel but something is definitely going on, be it tiredness or something else. He has no problem becoming aroused or anything like that. I just feel that if I bring it up, he will either shy away completely from me or else he will feel obligated to have sex with me whenever I come on to him, and that's definitely not what I want.

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 10:18:30

Been there. It was awful, you have my sympathy.

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 10:24:25

After regular rejection and trying to talk about it, i just completely shut down. He started initiating but by that point i felt so negative about the whole thing and really struggled to feel keen. My not being keen made him more keen, then i'd think maybe we were back on track so opened up again, as soon as i opened up, he shut down. It was a horrible vicious cycle.

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 10:25:24

A horrible vicious cycle that turned me off sex for years. Don't let that happen to you.

SadfaceMary Sun 29-May-16 10:36:50

My not being keen made him more keen

Why is this??

That's exactly what I am afraid of happening cloppy. I don't know how long it would take him to initiate if I shut down. It's very hard to get the situation out of my head after being rejected and it drives me mad. I try to be patient and not get into a bad mood about it but I'm constantly wondering why he doesn't want sex.

Recently, I started making more of an effort with clothes and makeup (nothing to do with this situation, I just fancied giving myself a boost) and he kept telling me how gorgeous I was, but how I didn't need to wear makeup to impress him. Which made me think that he does realise that something is amiss iykwim?

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 10:39:41

He preferred me not to "make it too easy for him"

He never wanted me more than when i stopped trying.

I remember saying to a friend "never has a woman tried so hard to make her boyfriend want to fuck her" and realising how terribly fucked up that was.

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 10:40:18

That's when i made all the effort. Underwear, toys, dressing up pretty. All sorts.

SadfaceMary Sun 29-May-16 12:50:50

Thanks for the messages clopy it makes me feel better to know that I'm not going crazy or being unreasonable. I think I need to sit down with dh and have a proper talk, and we'll have to do it before we have sex again, otherwise the whole cycle will be reset, I will be appeased for the short term again. God, I hate that I am reduced to feeling like this, and thinking about sex in these terms, when I never even had to think about it before because it just happened naturally. I know that once a week is hardly sex starved but the rejection is a killer. I just want things back like they used to be sad

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 12:55:33

What would happen if you didn't initiate it?

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 12:55:44

I mean ever?

SadfaceMary Sun 29-May-16 13:13:52

I don't know but I'm afraid to find out sad We have spoken before about hypothetical situations like 'what if one of us had an awful accident which meant we could never have sex again' and he has said that it wouldn't bother him too much, but if he was really not that bothered then why has he been having regular sex with me for 7 years? Out of obligation?

I told him that sex is very important to me and if we were in that hypothetical situation I would be very upset and he said that it would be ok, we could please each other in other ways.

Ugh I don't know, I'm just in a headfuck about it now sad

cherrypepsimax Sun 29-May-16 13:27:17

Is sex the only time you are intimate? Do you hold hands, cuddle, kiss everyday?

If sex is the only form of intamacy and closeness it's no suprise at all you feel so low about it. im the one who initiates sex most often too but Dh is very good at cuddling, kissing etc so I still feel as if I'm loved, wanted, if that makes sense?

Frustratedfrankie Sun 29-May-16 13:51:23

Hugs OP. I am in exactly the same situation as you minus the dc's. My OH's sex drive is practically non existant at present and I don't know what to do. I have given up trying as the rejection makes me feel awful and worthless and whilst I agree with many on here that sex doesn't equal love but without it I feel like his house mate.
He has suffered from depression which has played a big part but doesn't want to go to the Drs. He's recently switched jobs which I thought would be great for his confidence and self esteem etc but now he's even more tired and stressed. I've tried flipping the situation and putting myself in his shoes but we are literally only having sex if we go away for the weekend or it's a special occasion. I feel too embarrassed to talk to my real life friends about it but we have only had sex twice this year shockblush and if I try to talk about it he makes me feel like I am a sex pest and all I think about shagging! (Which is quite possibly true) I find it hard to believe he isn't having an affair and find it hard to not be constantly selfish and play the well it must just be me card.he assures me it isn't and he can't really explain it but he just isn't interested in it at the mo even wanking?! I'm 32 and don't want a life like this forever. I haven't got any answers but you aren't alone. What happened to men think about sex every 6 seconds eh?

SadfaceMary Sun 29-May-16 15:29:29

We used to be a lot more intimate with kissing and cuddles etc before the dc. It's hard to snatch a few moments here and there now though. Dh loves to cuddle in bed when we are going to sleep/asleep but if he has turned me down then I find it very frustrating to be so close so I usually pull away (not in a narky way, I wait until he's asleep and slide out). I feel like this distances us even more but not sure what I can do about it?

flowers frankie, it's an awful situation isn't it? I have also been thinking recently that I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I'm sure my dh thinks that shagging is all I think about too, and he is dead right. But I'm only thinking about it because I'm not getting enough of it blush And I absolutely hate it, it makes me feel like a right perv!

My dh isn't the type to have an affair in a million years but I have still wondered if even his mind is on someone else? Or is he masturbating? (although I have no idea when he would find the time)

I know that sex doesn't equal love, but it does play a huge part in how dh and I connect. Or, it used to. I also see it as something I enjoy doing, not only for myself, but also to give dh pleasure. I always presumed that he was on the same page. So when there's a dip, it does make me wonder what else is going on? It has really helped to get it all down in writing here anyway, and I appreciate the responses.

ClopySow Sun 29-May-16 18:50:58

But in a relationship, sex is a really important part of love. It's how you connect with a romantic partner.

satsumagirl Sun 29-May-16 19:50:55

Oh God. So been there.

I have a very high sex drive. DH doesn't.

It got to a bit of a crisis point a while ago. He rejected me so often (always tired etc). I felt terrible that I might not be attractive enough, even though he said I was pretty. It felt like a very secret kind of shame and I hated it. Worst of all, there was someone within my work circle who I think is attracted to me and I him but I knew that would be a crap and stupid thing to do so I stayed the hell away. All of it made me feel horribly lonely and chipped away at my self esteem.

Anyway, DH and I spoke about it and we now have sex a bit more often (once a week) and spend more time together eg eating dinner, watching a film at the weekend. It is not all hearts and flowers but I feel that we have regained some intimacy. So it is possible.

Frustratedfrankie Sun 29-May-16 20:49:45

Mary (sorry don't know how to highlight names more lurker than poster) I've gone through stages where I've had to sleep in another room just because I feel so annoyed and upset about another rejection or if we've been out for a nice evening and I get in my head that maybe just maybe something might happen and it doesn't i can't bear to lie there next to him, however this just makes even more distance between us and I feel like we drift further and further apart. I've joked at times that I should find a fancy man but he doesn't take that idea too well but he can't have it all ways.
I've tried going to the gym, the sexy underwear but nothing helps.
The worst part is in his younger days he had quite the reputation for sleeping with anything which makes me feel even worse when I think of some of the people he has slept with. I know it isn't about me and I need to be more supportive of him but I just want him to want to want to have sex with me not feel like he has to cos we haven't done it for a while or cos I've been sulking like a small child!

Topsy44 Sun 29-May-16 21:01:13

Do you think he could be addicted to pornography? My DH was and would say the same to me about it, that he still fancied me, still loved me but was stressed at work.

I know how horrible it is to feel rejected. I couldn't work out what was going on, he never told me he had a problem with pornography until it was too late for us. I couldn't work out what was going on, he would tell me he loved me but would reject me in the bedroom. I ended up giving up a bit with the initiating as just found it so humiliating.

I wish I had known about pornography addiction. It's really misunderstood and is like any other addiction. It actually doesn't have anything to do with sex, it's about unmet needs (nothing to do with the partner but from childhood). Not making excuses for the addiction but it might be worth asking him about his use of pornography - of course he may not tell all but you may be able to gauge something from his reaction.

Good luck, I know how soul destroying it is to be in that situation.

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