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Sitting in a hotel with Noone to turn to

(40 Posts)
FrancisdeSales Sat 28-May-16 22:35:59

I am not in the UK. My DH and I have been having an ongoing issue with his mum. We lived outside this country for six years and came back almost a year ago.

We are married almost 20 years and in that time his mum has always been in crisis, lurching from one self-made disaster to another. She is divorced and spends every penny she ever gets being in constant financial crisis especially.

She emotionally relies on my husband and puts tremendous emotional pressure on him to rescue her.

I just discovered on Thursday night that he has changed the plans of our 20th wedding anniversary so he can fly her in to rescue her again and hand over a car worth thousands without discussing it with me.

I stayed at a hotel last night because I just needed head space. This is becoming a huge issue in our marriage. I have talked to him about it and am going to marriage counseling (alone) but I just don't know what to do. So frozen, depressed and just out of ideas. I have no family here and haven't made any new friends since we moved back. I have some great friends here that I made before but it feels so burdensome and negative to turn to them. Don't know what to do.

dublingirl48653 Sat 28-May-16 22:40:21

so so sorry to hear this

have you family close by

YokoWakarimasen Sat 28-May-16 22:40:50

Its hard. If he hasn't discussed his actions or considered how they effect you, you must feel very neglected. Is he aware you go to counseling? It doesn't sound like he is thinking about you at all. Is he likely to start? If not, perhaps it is time to put yourself first ?

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-May-16 22:43:19

He came to the first session of counseling which seemed Iike a miracle but occasionally there complained and claimed that he haven't really decided to come and never came back. I have been going for about 6 weeks.

No family here, except 3 dc

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-May-16 22:44:09

Occasionally should be once, typo.

LineyReborn Sat 28-May-16 22:47:08

I see from your OP you have no family near. Could you go to them for a while? Or not is that not possible with the children?

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-May-16 22:49:32

Both my parents died when I was a teenager and I am thousands of miles away from any other family.

DoesMyMarthaCliffLookBigInThis Sat 28-May-16 23:04:15

Sounds like codependancy to me. How does he react when you bring the subject up with him? Has he any other siblings that help out his mother?

Codependancy can be very complex and often, neither party will even recognise that it's happening. However, it's not your problem, and as a husband and father, your dhs responsibility is to his own family, not his mother.

Have you given him an ultimatum?

NeatSoda Sat 28-May-16 23:06:53

Go to your other family. Or go to your old home/friends. You need to ground yourself in your own world. It sounds as though you have been to much in his and he is taking you for granted in a terrible way.

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-May-16 23:22:12

It is definitely codependency. I have come to this realisation since we came back last year. MIL and also SIL have tried to be massively over involved. Thank goodness they live a long way from us (12 hour drive). I have come to see just as much of the over-involvement is generated by DH and other people have enlightened me to codependency. I would love to go somewhere but I would have to leave the country and that's really not realistic. Sadly.

I was independent before I we married but now I realise despite going away for an education, he and his mum have never truly cut the cord.

He loves me and is devoted to me but is easily manipulated by MIL he told me 2 weeks ago he feels like a "bad son", he is 47!

HeddaGarbled Sat 28-May-16 23:32:28

You say that you have some great friends here. Can you really not reach out to them? I do understand your hesitation about not wanting to be burdensome and negative and you may well find that some will not want to get involved and will keep their distance, but you may be surprised about who will support you. You won"t know if you don't sound them out.

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-May-16 23:43:20

I have spoken to two really dear friends about this but it's a holiday weekend here and I don't want to be disrupting their family time. I also talk with 2 good friends in the UK regularly. Just what can they do? What can I do, I feel demoralised. I am the healthy safe place for my kids and DH but I don't know where that place is for me.

I am sounding pretty whiney and pathetic now!

Having food with wine and dessert at hotel restaurant right now! Gaining weight but can't be fucked when simple pleasures seem thin on the ground.

FrancisdeSales Sat 28-May-16 23:45:42

Ooo profiteroles!

FrancisdeSales Sun 29-May-16 00:52:16

Seemed to have chased everyone off. I am back at home, hiding in our bedroom because I just feel down and overwhelmed. Am I codependent because I haven't been able to assert my own needs and desires?

Cheesecake53 Sun 29-May-16 01:10:55

Hi, I didn't want to read and run especially after reading your last post. smile Hopefully by now someone has responded. I hope I do not sound terribly naive and I understand the problems you have a real, but everything seems so much, much worse at night than they do in the morning. Please feel hugged flowers flowers.

lavenderhoney Sun 29-May-16 01:17:10

He sounds a bit of an arse tbh. I cant believe it's becoming an issue - it's always been an issue? What are you going to do whilst he's away and it's your money too! And the dc's tbh.

How old are your DC and will they continue to be educated wherever you are?

You must lean on your RL friends - of course, that makes it a rl issue and something you will have to admit pisses you off. This is good.

lavenderhoney Sun 29-May-16 01:21:29

And not co dependent. I'd say he holds all the cards financially. So it's more that you don't have a say - doesn't he value your contribution? It has enabled him to have the money and control.

I suspect you're going without and so are the DC and he is happy to see his DM living the life of Reilly. That would piss me off too. Giving her a car? Who owns it, papers wise?

FrancisdeSales Sun 29-May-16 01:36:01

We are financially fine and he does look after us. Our three kids are 9-15. I haven't worked since we had kids and right now I need to change that. Unfortunately we are looking for a house to buy and that is taking up all of my time. Once that is taken care of I intend to start working. Our accountant told me he thinks I should be a Controller of a small company we own and so I probably will take some accountancy classes until I am up to speed.

I came home, he came in with flowers he bought me and then we just had a big row. When I said instead of constantly financially rescuing her why don't you look at her finances and figure out what she has coming in and going out, he said "he doesn't have time" which is what he told me and the marriage counselor. That he didn't have 1 hour a week to work on our marriage.

He somehow managed to change the conversation and blame me for not arranging an automatic debit, which we have paid every month on time anyway.

FrancisdeSales Sun 29-May-16 01:36:28

I am in a different time zone so it's daytime here for me.

Italiangreyhound Sun 29-May-16 01:42:24

FrancisdeSales I am sorry to hear this.

It sounds very unfortunate for you and I hope someone with better advice will be along soon!

For me, here is what i would like to say to you.

No, you are not 'co-dependant', at least as far as I understand it.... "Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

But your husband has a big problem with his mum and he really needs to work this out, with your help, is he willing to work it out?

I would say about the car, can he/you afford to give/lend this car to your MIL? If yes, I would try and not focus too much on the specific car aspect. If not, then that is an issue and he needs to see his part in this is very unhelpful.

He has let you down about the anniversary, will he see that, will he feel guilty but be unable to make a change?

I think you need to reassess this calmly. He's been like this a long time, this may feel like a final straw or something major. In your shoes, I think, I would want to talk calmly to your friends and try and get this into perspective. Can you live with this, can you change him, can he change? Just work out calmly whatever is best for you and your children.

Good luck.

FrancisdeSales Sun 29-May-16 01:45:10

The issue is not the car but the fact he promised it to her without discussing it with me. There is a huge back story and if anything I think I have been very understanding (more fool me). His reasoning (and hers) is that she could die at any time.

Italiangreyhound Sun 29-May-16 01:46:53

Sorry cross posted. He's let you down and now blamed you?

He doesn't have an hour to work on your marriage?

It's all quite complicated with you not having a home together, being in a different country and you not working. I mean it's complicated that things seem quite up in the air.

Is it possible you could do something different? I mean look at how you have behaved and reacted before and try acting slightly differently now. See if you can shock him into action. Be supported while you get your head around things. In return for that he could give you an hour a week.

Italiangreyhound Sun 29-May-16 01:48:57

OK, you've been supportive before, maybe be less so now. I am not sure.

Anyone could die at any time!

He sounds like he has some major guilt issues. He needs to get counselling for those specific things, IMHO.

FrancisdeSales Sun 29-May-16 01:49:01

Of course DH sees no problem with "helping" his mum because she is never expected to be a grown up like everyone else - she is never responsible for her problems and never apologizes. Yes she is is her early 70s but she was in her early 50s working as a nurse when I first met her 20 years ago and she has always been totally irresponsible with money. She had always tried to make us parent her.

FrancisdeSales Sun 29-May-16 01:52:14

He actually said to me during our "heated discussion" "Who is supposed to help her then?" And I said "She is, she is supposed to help herself and be a grown up like everyone else".

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