I'm in very lonely and difficult position where I only have one friend I see day to day. I am very depressed and struggle with past experiences and finding it harder and harder to pretend to be fine. I am seeking help etc.
But he is insisiting his version of reality is true and calling me abusive for standing up to him about it. I think its abusive of him to try to force me to believe a "reality" that I dont think fits with the evidence. He's insisting that stuff where people have hurt me is my fault. Im so confused cos it's actually earning some self-respect and standing up for myself that has helped me go on, and feel a little better in life. I used to just try to please everyone and got walked all over and abused.
He thinks I am bonkers for thinking I have to pretend to be ok in front of other peope so they like me and don't drop me as a friend. He reckons thats not true at all cos it isnt for him. But people have actaully said to me that becaue I am upset often, struggles ongoing, that rightly or wrongly people lose interest and dont care. I mean, you have to be fun to be around, yeh? But he insists this isn' true and that people aren't like that. But he thinks I am actually a horrible bitch pushing them away by being angry. He's using me being upset and angry at him blaming me as evidence that I am irrationally angry, and thus that I must do that do others, so they dont give a fuck about me.
(Actually I do find it confusing how people care about some people but not others and I dont understand their reasoning, but it seems to relate to popularity rather than any objective aspect of the situation. And I've seen others scapegoated, too.)
I feel very, very alone. I also feel like I' somehow unworthy and its all always my fault, and no matter how hard I try I'm never good enough. I have been having nightmares about this sort of thing, waking up screaming. I would describe myself as traumatised due to life expereinces that left me overwhlemed, horrified, helpless etc. I cant talk about it to most people cos I feel like such a twat and like im making a fuss and should just be fine, and am terrified of people calling me attention seeking or overeacting cos that happened when i was younger and used to freely ask for support.
I'm terrified im either hallucinating or being stitched up here. Im so frightened, and in so much pain, please be very gentle, I am only trying to understand.
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How do you know if someone is abusing you or if they're right?
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OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 28/05/2016 21:12
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