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Something is missing and I just don't know what it is.

(10 Posts)
KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 28-May-16 20:34:12

I don't know what I'm hoping to achieve with this post but I'm hoping to get my thoughts out there more than anything, make sense of them I guess. I probably shouldn't even post this because people will probably tell me to just leave, I don't know.

My DH and I met and got married/had DS very quickly. We've been together just over 3 years. It felt so so right at the time/beginning. It was wonderful, we had a lot of sex, we were happy. I don't regret having DS as he is the light of my life, truly wonderful, but now I do think we went way too fast. The problem is, I feel like if we hadn't gone fast we definitely wouldn't still be together now and I don't know how I feel about that or what to do.

Sex has been pretty non-existent since we had DS. I had a 2nd degree tear and some scarring that made it painful, DS doesn't sleep well and I'm exhausted. It hurt for a while, that's fixed now but I'm still tired (being treated for a vitamin d deficiency). I don't fancy him really either - he sits around topless a lot and he's no Adonis, its quite off-putting sadly sad

A few months ago I found out he'd been very flirtily texting a 'close female friend', I had a thread on here about it. I very nearly left. He got counselling to address his need for an ego-stroke/issues. It made a massive difference, he's much much nicer to be with, but I'm still not feeling it.

My sex drive is pretty much back, I'm lusting after people, just not him sad everything else is good, we are physically close and cuddly, spend time together, laugh etc. But the passion/love just isn't there. I'm fantasising and dreaming about someone else, but... Am I just missing excitement that can't exist in a long term relationship? The only every LTR I've had was mildly abusive so I don't know. I miss that passion, I'm finding myself wanting to cheat for the thrill of it, to feel alive again. This has only happened really since he semi-cheated though so that's confusing too.

I don't know what to feel or do anymore. We're talking about buying a house and I don't know what I want. I don't want to break up, but I desperately want things to be better than this... I just want something more. I've been improving my health and fitness and am feeling quite great, but he doesn't have the energy to do the same. I don't want to go off him completely sad but something is missing. I don't know what and I don't know what to do.

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 28-May-16 20:35:23

Sorry for the essay! He's a great dad and very into chilled family life. I was more of an excitement -seeker and now I'm coming out of the baby-fug I don't know how to get what I need confused

Petal40 Sat 28-May-16 20:42:51

I understand how you feel....I felt the same after my first child....3 more kids and 18 yrs later ....I still feel the's to late for me..but it's not for ,run for the hills.

newname99 Sat 28-May-16 20:55:53

It could be that you rushed into the relationship and after the initial honeymoon phase (always seems to be 2 years) reality has hit.Or it could be that you lived with change for a number of years and now stability has settled in.Life is less exciting with marriage and a baby but it should be enjoyable.You say you laugh together and are affectionate which suggests you might be seeking thrills which are not always in long term relationships.He however seems also to be seeking thrills outside the marriage, could it be that you are both in a rut?

How old are you as I think it makes a difference.

haveacupoftea Sat 28-May-16 21:30:19

Something is missing. You aren't sexually attracted to him. I don't think you can live your life like this flowers

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 28-May-16 22:04:23

I think we're both definitely in a rut. I'm 28, he's 31. He used to play sport regularly which he doesn't anymore. I used to do a lot of cool stuff I don't have the energy to anymore. We both need to get our mojo back, and I'm trying to but he's not making an effort (we have talked about it).

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 28-May-16 22:18:00

Have just had another chat. We're both just so tired. He works 5 full time, including until 9pm 2 days a week, and I work from home when DS is sleeping. I can see why we're exhausted but it feels impossible to make the necessary positive changes while we are sad

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sat 28-May-16 22:19:11

I fancy his head but not his body iyswim blush

KeepsAwayTheNargles Sun 29-May-16 08:41:55

DH seems happy to wait a few years of tiredness out seems certain life will be easier/better in the future. I'm not a sure as he is, I feel like if we don't change it now it will never change, but I have a tendency towards dramatic, all or nothing thinking.

honeyandmarmitesandwiches Sun 29-May-16 10:05:35

This sounds very similar to the situation I was in with my ex, things happened fast for us as well with an unplanned pregnancy a year into the relationship. No regrets at all about that, I now have a gorgeous 3 and a half year old DS and my now ex is a good father to him but like you our sex life basically stopped after having him, mainly due to the exhaustion of looking after a young child. It became obvious to me over time that we wouldn't have continued on together as long as we did if it wasn't for our son. Tried to make it work but the spark was just gone and it got to the point where having sex would have just felt weird as it had been so long. I also no longer found him physically attractive really.
It was really hard to accept as I just didn't want to admit defeat or put my son through a separation but it just felt something was missing, there was fondness between us but nothing more and we also just wanted different things in life.
Funnily enough I also struggled hugely with fatigue (still do but not as much) and had vitamin D prescribed which did help. I actually think that making the decision and getting things sorted between us helped too as it had been dragging me down, I knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life happily with him.
Obviously those are just the bare bones and I'm sure there are differences between our situations, only you can decide what is right for you but as there are so many similarities I just thought I'd share my experience.
Can you see yourself growing old with him? Do you really love him? For me, it just felt as if we were more like flat mates and co parents, friends but nothing more and I couldn't in all honesty see that changing. I think an amicable separation while DS is still so young (this happened a few months ago) was honestly for the best and my son seems as happy and secure as ever, sees loads of his dad and hasn't been witness to any drama really.
Just my experience, you may make a totally different decision, but hope this is helpful in some way.

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