How do I survive weeks of this??

[Anonymousquestion]

It could be months, aargh! Just needed to share the bloody awfulness.

Have told DH I want to separate. It is likely to be summer before we do. I have a thread in the other place which has been a lifeline - literally. a couple of posters have been amazing but not much traffic. So hoping to hear from posters on how to survive this time.

For a long time I just went straight to bed after the DC did and lay wishing I was dead. So at least things are better than that now!

However, I am now incredibly bored. Whilst feeling better I am still down a lot of the time so struggling to motivate myself to go out of an evening. what would I even do? We are "normal" during day for DC and then sit in the same room each evening - he puts the TV on and I listen to podcasts on earphones.

Big headfuck is that for the last week DH is behaving so nicely and like it's not happening, making me nice dinner etc. I don't want to mislead him by playing along but obviously can't ignore him either. It's not helping my resolve though.

My sanity will not cope with 2 months of this. Anyone else doing same or survived similar?

[MatildaTheCat]

Can you go out? Also checkout FutureLearn which is offers free online courses in a huge variety of subjects. Anything to keep busy really.

Do you have a detailed plan for after the split? Perhaps work on that as well? Or, if all else fails find a box set which really catches you. It's amazing how many hours can be passed with a good box set addiction.

Good luck. Keep positive...it is the summer so not much longer to endure.

[Anonymousquestion]

No I don't have a detailed plan at all. Will get thinking.

I can go out during day by myself but not evenings.

I struggle to concentrate on TV at the moment - and a bit fed up of telly but i will definitely look at futurelearn thanks.

Thanks for reply.

It feels like a long time, I guess I could be more positive, it's not that long.

[HeddaGarbled]

Are you going to move out or is he? Or do you need to sell and both move out? Have you started the divorce? Get moving on this.

Are you still sharing a bedroom? Is there a spare bedroom you could escape to in the evenings? Or could you go to bed as before but without the wishing you were dead thing. You can listen to your podcasts etc up there.

Could you visit friends or family?

[groovergirl]

If you are moving out, you need to get cracking on sorting what you'll be taking. Seriously, do not leave it until the last minute to decide which books etc belong to whom, or to pack them. Modern households have so much stuff. Pack some of it now, such as books and out of season clothes, so that your eventual separation is not delayed.

Could you go to the gym in the evenings, or go for a walk or run? You can listen to podcasts while pumping up your endorphins.

[Anonymousquestion]

I'm moving to a new house. We're in between houses at moment. Much of our stuff is in storage. I'm waiting until exchange before I tackle boxes etc. Buy I haven't thought at all about who takes what. I could start listing.

We're in a 2 bed flat sleeping in living room so really are on top of each other, with no family or friends to visit.

But the exercise is a great idea. Just need to force myself out. It would really do me good.

[Anonymousquestion]

Would it be confusing for DC to start doing things separately a bit more? DH is reluctant.

Also, I've realised I post a lot because I'm lonely. Is it unfair on DH if I start trying to find some company of an evening? (Social group or class or something)

[peppatax]

I've been there OP (for 5 months ) and it's really important to start taking small steps away. It's easy to fall back into 'oh let's just eat together still and do things with DC because it's easier'. I'd start taking them out independently so they are gradually introduced to idea of not seeing Mummy and Daddy together anymore

[Lauren83]

Similar here, DP is moving out in 2 weeks it's been over for a year pretty much but finally I ended it 8 weeks ago, he was refusing to leave but he is now luckily, I make sure I'm in bed when he gets home and have seperate days off etc. Hang on in there

[Anonymousquestion]

Not long to go then Lauren.

Yes peppatax I thought it would be better for the DC to get used to it rather than playing happy families. Would def be better for me.

[groovergirl]

"Unfair on DH"' if you went out socially in the evenings? Everyone should have the chance of an evening social life, whether married or about to get unmarried. Life gets very grim and narrow when you are stuck at home every night. (I say this as a LP who never gets an evening or weekend off, as XH lives overseas.)
Seize the day, er, night, OP, because once you and DCs move to your own place your free time will be extremely limited. While DH is around, make him babysit. (I use that word because that's how my XH referred to spending time with his DD.)
I've always found gyms and dance classes are good for meeting people who live locally. Being fit, they're usually cheerful, too, and good company.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I went to the gym. A lot!!!
Could you just go for a run or a nice walk once kids are in bed?
I had to endure 6 months of it.
It takes its toll so try to keep busy.
What about an Am Dram group in your area?

[JellyBean31]

I was in that situation for 7 weeks... It felt like an eternity but it literally took all that time to sort out logistics, separating finances etc.

Stop accepting meals of him, I know it seems petty but he needs to get used to the idea that his family dynamic will change. I didn't engage in family stuff at all (we told our DC straight away) but my exh was still in denial and alternating between 'perfect' husband and complete psycho.

19 months later it seems such a short period of time but then it was horrendous. Hang in there

[Anonymousquestion]

Time by myself has always been seen as a rejection of family groovergirl. I used to love the gym in a former life but not sure DH would be up for the cost. I could try running/walking. I also have a virtually unused bike.

Getting fit would be great.

DH doing utterly betrayed/sad puppy behaviour because I suggested he do something with kids alone over the weekend. I said it as kind and cheerfully as possible. Also reminded him numerous times lately I'm happy for him to catch up with friends, chill out etc.

Hellsbells I think AmDram might be pushing myself a bit! I have had exactly 5 conversations with friends this year. But do you know, I love the idea, thought of it years ago, so maybe one day...

Don't know how you guys did 5/6 months.

[Anonymousquestion]

Thanks Jelly I clearly need to think a bit more about practicalities/logistics.

[pocketsaviour]

You no longer need to even pretend to give a shit about your STBXH's opinion on what you do with your time or money.

But if finances are going to be tight due to the move, I'd suggest resuming your cycling habit!

[Anonymousquestion]

Money will be easier once separated.
I would like as far as possibly can to keep things amicable. I guess we are still together. For whatever that means.

Think I'll try a cycle tonight.

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

I can only speak for my case, but it was only when STBXH and I stopped doing family stuff together that our DCs (then 8, 5 and 4) started to process and then accept that we'd separated. I regret that we didn't start doing separate activities with them sooner (STBXH refused until we started mediation and the mediator encouraged it as being better for the DCs).

I had to be blunt with STBXH and explain that time on my own wasn't a rejection of family but a rejection of him, and that I was just as entitled to spend time with the DCs as he was. As with a previous poster, H was very much in denial.

Cycling sounds like a great plan - go for it!

[ChaChaChaCh4nges]

BTW, if your H is anything like mine then he'll assume you're going out to meet a man. Mine was certain I had a boyfriend - I didn't, still don't - because he couldn't believe I would prefer to be alone than with him. Maybe yours will be more reasonable, but just be prepared in case.

[Anonymousquestion]

He is definitely in denial. It was like it was a shock when I gently suggested it might be best for the children if they gradually got used to us doing things separately. Im starting to wonder if I'm kidding myself that it'll happen.

Then he switched to pissed off and said well presumably on a bank holiday weekend they will be his when we split so we'll treat this weekend like that. Not exactly loving parents managing a transition.

Seems I need to manage a transition for everyone.

[BoxofSnails]

Do you mean the DC have the two bedrooms in the flat and you sleep, sit and eat with STBXH in the lounge? That is really very claustrophobic, I so feel for you. I'm an introvert but not that in to television so my evenings are spent reading, writing, sewing, catching up with news and friends electronically - you need to be in a different space to him and if there's not even a bedroom then the kitchen? Local library? - ours is open til 9pm 4 nights a week. Cycling sounds great. Long relaxing baths?

[Anonymousquestion]

Yes Box. It is really claustrophobic. I actually sit near open windows just to feel like I can breath. Library was a great idea but have just checked, not open late. Surprised, it's a big fancy library.

He could see both family and friends. Mine are all to far away. But he doesn't feel like going out much.

I'm tempted to swallow pride and ask my mum for gym membership. It would be nice to be around people. I could have choice of cycling/gym. And nice bath when I come home.

Thanks for the suggestions.

[groovergirl]

If you are staying in the same area, perhaps ask your mum to go half and half with you on the gym membership.

However, I warn you again that once you are the LP with most of the custody, you will rarely have an evening free. Will you be able to use your gym membership and get value for money? Or should you stay as a casual member for now?

[Anonymousquestion]

Definitely wouldn't want a gym commitment longer than 3 months. Casual would be ideal if the gym does that.
But actually I really enjoyed cycling last night so might just stick with that for a while.

[PetuliaGristle]

Hi Anonymous, sorry you're in this situation. How about Couch to 5k (the NHS free app is good) and Parkrun on Saturday mornings? Runkeeper is another free app that you can have on at the same time to track your runs. If there's a Junior Parkrun you could take the dcs too. You could cycle on your running rest days. There's a running thread on here you could post on for running support if you'd like.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Glad you enjoyed the cycling.
It's good to get the endorphins flowing.
It's a hard time but you'll get through it.