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lost the man of my dreams to the ex ....what is this about

(18 Posts)
happyred1967 Sat 28-May-16 18:40:26

I was wondering if any one else had come accross this situation. ....I am in my late 40s seperated nearly 6 years from a 24 year marriage. ..being young free and single I went on POF met a few very strange men then received a message from a man of a similar age, we got chatting all went well a few days later we spoke on the phone he was open and honest and stated he had been seperated 18 months and his son was 5, none of this was a concern to me, my child is a lot older, he sounded really genuine. We met had a lovely evening and we started to see each other, we agreed that I would see him on the days when he didn't have his son. He explained his ex was a lot younger than him by 15 years and had another child from a previous relationship but he treated this child the same as he treated his own child with her, this to me made no difference he also stated that he had his son one night over the weekend and looked after the children one day at the weekend whilst she worked. I had no issue at all with any thing. About 2 months into the relation he mentioned that he thinks we should live together I was a little taken aback as I was aware that the ex did not know about us and I hadn't me the child. I suggested that when all this was out in the open then I had no issue with him moving in with me. Time went on still carried on seeing him oposite days to his child, Christmas he spent the whole day at exs with the children I didn't mind I understand, time still goes on we went on holiday earlier this year, the ex looked after his flat and would of seen my things that were left on the side, we had a wonderful holiday grew closer and was talking about moving in and our future together, he agreed that he would tell the ex when the time was right in the next few weeks, he seemed to me that he was putting it off and did state at one point he liked the way things were and she might get jealous, I just responded that I would leave it with him and didn't feel we could move on til ex knew as the 5 year old would be staying over night at mine. He then said just a few weeks back that he would tell her of which he did, she had no issue and was happy for me to meet the 5 year old, he was that happy he turned up at my door with him I was shocked but so happy I now knew this had sealed every thing .......then the following day he shows me messages from her saying it was too soon and that his time with his son should be their time ....He explained we had been together 10 months and that I (me) would never interfere with their time, she seemed to except that the next thing I know he tells me she wants to see him, I spoke to him prior to him seeing her we both thought it would be some kind of threats. He then didn't call me for 10 hours and told me he was really sorry but she wanted him to give it another go and for the sake of the kids he needed to try ....I am gob smacked in total shock, is this normal behaviour ? Is it jealously? He now won't even speak to me as he feels that it won't be fair on me ..He hasn't moved back in as yet but it's only been a few weeks ....any thoughts

QuiteLikely5 Sat 28-May-16 18:44:06

Oh you poor thing, it looks like she has wanted him back just because you're on the scene.

What a ridiculous reaction from both of them though!!

Do you k ow why they split up initially?

happyred1967 Sat 28-May-16 18:50:05

Yes he told me she said she didn't love him any more prior to that she had slept in the spare room for 6 months

inlectorecumbit Sat 28-May-16 18:52:12

She doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him. She wants to have all the power here.
Saying that -he just does not love you enough and you deserve much better. So l would delete and block., kick your wounds, hold your head high and move on.
It's not you it's him. I am pretty sure he will come crawling back at some point tho!! Just be ready for his pathetic excuses

inlectorecumbit Sat 28-May-16 18:52:52

kick = lick blush

Triliteral Sat 28-May-16 18:53:34

Sounds very sad for you. This happened years ago to a friend of mine. Her DP went through a phase where he ran back to his ex, but it didn't work out and he ended up with my friend. Not sure how It woukd make me feel, even if he wanted to come back as it woukd seem to me that the man is using you as a kind of back-up option, but it's so difficult, if you really get on well.

No answers, but you have my sympathy. It sounds very painful.

whoopthereitis Sat 28-May-16 18:53:58

Agree with quitelikely

happyred1967 Sat 28-May-16 19:00:41

This actually hurts more than when my husband ran away .....I didn't think any one could hurt me again but all the trust, patience and understanding was pointless, he is an excellent father and loves being a father

VocationalGoat Sat 28-May-16 19:47:59

Typical "If I can't have him, nobody can" messed up mentality. You poor thing. You inadvertently landed in a hot mess. You do realise that it won't work out between them. Getting back together is no quick fix.

I was a divorced, single mum for several years. When I finally gave my heart again to a seemingly good guy and it went all weird and pear-shaped, it hurt more than my divorce, which was horrible on its own. So I relate to the pain you're feeling now. You opened your vulnerable heart to a good, loving guy and couldn't have seen this coming.
It's about the kids, really. I think many people try again for the sake of the kids. But that's just not enough of a reason for a couple to 'try again'. I'm just so sorry you got entwined in their unresolved mess. You could have done without it.


happyred1967 Sat 28-May-16 20:34:16

Thanks for your kind words every one, I just didn't see that coming

Offred Sun 29-May-16 08:56:34

He's not the man of your dreams if he can play with your feelings like that.

TBH he sounds like one of those men who isn't able to separate his relationship with the children from his relationship with the mother. Whilst he may have more reason to feel this way than some (eldest isn't biologically his) it still isn't healthy for anyone involved and I think you've had a lucky escape because no matter how separated he thought he was, he wasn't in reality.

TutanKaDashian Sun 29-May-16 18:48:01

Had they ever really split up in the first place?

They might not have been living together but could have still been 'together' but now she wants him FT. What a turd.

HandyWoman Sun 29-May-16 19:46:12

Agree with Offred this guys sounds like one of those guys who cannot separate out feeling for the child and feelings for the mother. It's messed up. You got caught up in that mess and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. It must hurt like hell. I'm so sorry.


happyred1967 Mon 30-May-16 09:14:47

I am a confident easy going person but this has shook me to the core, I am grateful for every ones comments and views, flowers

MaMaof04 Mon 30-May-16 15:12:07

I am so sorry for you!
The ex is clearly damaged. There are people like that who have such a low self esteem that the only people who are 'dateable' in their eyes are people who are in a relationship and a nice relationship for that matter. You come across as an amazing woman and the ex that rejected her partner when he was just hers started desiring him and wanting him back... Good Luck

LobsterQuadrille Mon 30-May-16 15:44:27

Happyred - really sorry that you have gone through this - you sound as if you were so reasonable, understanding and accepting of everything too. It sounds like a child (the ex) throwing a toy (him) out of a pram because she doesn't want it .... then another child picking the toy up, whereupon the toy miraculously seems far more appealing and child one demands its return immediately. You did all the right things - he'll probably regret this and so too may she. Best wishes to you.

Chatarunga Mon 30-May-16 15:49:05

That's awful........ you poor thing. he really wasted your time.
How fickle of him too. One minute he says ''let's move in together'' and the next minute he is giving it another go with his x.

princessmi12 Mon 30-May-16 15:58:09

I hate to say it but looks like you were a rebound.And when his REAL partner wanted him,he came running back.
It appeared strange to me he * he agreed that he would tell the ex when the time was right in the next few weeks, he seemed to me that he was putting it off and did state at one point he liked the way things were and she might get jealous* has to notify his ex what he plans to do with his personal life. They may have been physically separated but emotionally were still too involved with each other.
Just forget him, block him out on every level, he's no good for you OP !
Of course its hard but sometimes this is all you can do to preserve yourself,your selfesteem and happiness.

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