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Sense check: how bad is this?

(16 Posts)
theansweris42 Sat 28-May-16 17:14:11

I posted a few weeks ago about wine loving H being unpleasant when drunk.

We are now in separate rooms. Not really made any decisions yet. We talk about making an effort and he's not been horrible.

I know that my mental health is suffering bcos of all this. This week he's made promises to not drink on x day and X day and he has done. He's not going to change. I have been having mini panics and anxiety. He knows this.

This morning we were going to get a food shop. I was feeling very anxious and was quiet, not silent, but not interacting much.

We set off (he drove) & I gave a couple of one word answers in between deep breathing bcos of being anxious. He shouted about me ignoring him and that he was turning the car round and taking me home. I told him I wasn't not ignoring him, it's anxiety, I was tearful. He turned for home where he would "drop me off" and he would go shopping. I said stop the car a couple of times he refused. I said it louder and he said "no you're going home". I said he was not to decide for me and to let me out. He stopped and I got out.

I realise now I was scared in the car.

I am very upset and shocked. But as ever I can't feel sure of my own reactions...it's not acceptable of him is it? Or am I overreacting? I've come away for the night because being near him is making me feel awful.

Looking for validation I guess that this is very bad behaviour from him to his wife for being quiet because she is fed up/anxious because of HIS behaviour!

Chatarunga Sat 28-May-16 17:17:11

It sounds awful. You sound very unhappy.

He sounds angry, and entitled to a pleasant smiling companion even when he is the person who's turned you in to an unhappy nervous wreck.

If you read about a stranger whose h ''made her feel awful'' and who had to go away for a night to be able to think clearly, what would you say to her? Stay! You must stay. Or, you can end this.

theansweris42 Sat 28-May-16 17:46:01

Thanks for your reply Chatarunga (like the name). It's the age old thing of how hard it is to end it. and how nice he is when he is nice. Which he often isn't.

Haggisfish Sat 28-May-16 17:48:09

You sound anxious because of him.

Chatarunga Sat 28-May-16 17:48:41

I know, I know brew

I spent years making lists. Pros of staying. cons of staying. The answer stared me in the face but still I stayed. So I flipped it over, and wrote another list, pros of leaving. cons of leaving. Again the answer stared me in the face.

Tap in to your self. Are you happy? Do you deserve to be happy? Could you rebuild a new life?

To quote the red hot chilli peppers, and I remember listening to this and it struck a chord ''this life is more than just a read through''. This is it.

Chatarunga Sat 28-May-16 17:50:16

ps, occasional niceness doesn't mean that you OWE it to him to stay or to give him another chance.

If it's not working for you, and it's not, then you are entitled to end it. You could end it with him because his toothbrush is worn out. Or his hair is curly. You don't need to justify it.

HoppingForward Sat 28-May-16 17:50:39

You do sound very sad, it also sounds like you know it is over but you still need to rip the plaster off

smilingeyes11 Sat 28-May-16 17:53:53

the only level of abuse is none - why do you think this is all you deserve? He is vile and I am sure once you get rid of him your anxiety will vanish too.

Why do you need validation anyway, you don't need his permission to end the relationship.

Hissy Sat 28-May-16 18:00:01

Sweetheart, have you sat and been alone with yourself and asked what it is that you are actually frightened of?

Is it him? Is it being outdoors? What do you think will happen that you need to be anxious about?

I think you need to try to see that you and your h (what he does and doesn't do) are separate issues.

You can't control him or his decisions. You can however choose to accept it or not.

If you can't live like this, then you need to agree with h that you get the space you need.

He has no business not stopping the car, but perhaps he was trying to get you to face your anxiety, which does need to happen to conquer it, but it needs to be you that drives this process.

Do you drive? Would you diving help you feel in greater control of your life?

I had an abusive ex, lived in a god forsaken hell hole with a population of completely insane people.

I got agoraphobia and it was so hard to fight, but I'm there - more or less.

Rescue remedy helped me a lot, but digging deep and really being honest with myself about what it was that I was scared off, and challenging it at every point eventually got me there.

theansweris42 Sat 28-May-16 18:14:00

Thank you all. I just wrote a long post and lost it. Bah.
I do drive Hissy and I don't usually have anxiety in this way. It is related to the relationship. It's because I know I have to end it and with that comes guilt and shame.
I grew up making everyone else feel better and Being the Strong One.
I can't fix this. He will want ME to fix this.
Anxiety because I will have to tell him (again) his behaviour is not acceptable but that this time I'm actually not accepting it.
I can build a life me and my 2 DC, it's weird just this stage of ending it that's hard.

happypoobum Sat 28-May-16 18:28:55

I remember your previous thread. It's good that you recognise your inability to end this relationship stems from your family. You really do need to focus on you rather than on him, what he does, why he says, does, thinks this or that.

You don't owe him a relationship. You don't have to give him a huge explanation, just say you aren't happy. The relationship is no longer working for you and it is over. You know he will blame you for everything anyway, so it makes bugger all difference really.

What do you need to do practically to move forwards? What help do you need? Plan it all out and imagine how lovely and stress free your life will be without him. flowers

theansweris42 Sat 28-May-16 18:32:20

Yes, planning will help.
I can speak to Estate agent on Tuesday about notice and looking for a smaller house for the 3 of us.
I need to think about money.
I need to think about how I will manage it when he begs for this not to happen.
On the other hand he's made no contact today so perhaps there is some insight.

theansweris42 Sat 28-May-16 18:34:22

Also feel sad for my 2 DS who adore him. But they wouldn't would they, if they knew he's horrible to mummy...

britmodgirl Sat 28-May-16 19:38:50

Just my experience of anxiety & a bad relationship.
I had been with exp 10ish years over that time I had awful anxiety - walking 10 mins into town, driving 10 miles away, wouldn't get on bus or train. I was in permanent state of panic.

Our relationship wasn't the best. I was part responsible for this. Towards the end the resentment was so heavy, I hated him & myself.
I ended the relationship and slowly I have been blossoming back into the person I was and some.

I went to the beach for the first time in nearly 10 years (60miles away & big step for me) I felt pretty emotional walking across the sand and dipping my toes in the water.
It truly had been weird as after 10 yrs of medication, battling it & CBT, the anxiety melted once I made this major life change.

As a wise woman said on a recent thread 'before you question your mental health, just check you aren't surrounded by twats!'

theansweris42 Sat 28-May-16 20:02:12

Yes britmodgirl the "am I surrounded by twats?" question resonated!
I do feel resentful as its always me who tries to tall and look at what is going on...and he appears to listen, makes plans for change...but it is all BS.

I love the image you evoke with your toes dipping in the water. Good for you.

britmodgirl Sat 28-May-16 21:47:24

Just remember weighing up the decision is the hardest part.
Once you decide which direction to turn, things become easier.

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