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Yes, I know I shouldn't have let him back but I did.

(36 Posts)
RyVeeta Sat 28-May-16 13:19:46

I am paying for that decision, or at least, I think I am. Just want a wee bit of advice please. Since he got back (from 24 hours in a cell and with a caution for assault) he decided he would try and be a bit more helpful and stop having a go all the time, he seriously wanted to change, particularly knowing that we didn't want him back but weren't prepared to see him homeless. So, he managed the dishwasher for a few days. He managed not to shout for a few days but now he's suffering from shock and stress and the cell was awful and noisy and he was scared and he is living with the threat of arrest if he kicks off etc. He is panicking at the slightest thing. Somehow, I feel as if this is all my fault and I have been very firmly put in the position of abuser. He's not going nuts at us and calling us names as he usually does, but dd teased him a bit last night and I didn't understand how humiliated he was and how it made him feel like smashing the house to pieces. He didn't do it, he didn't actually threaten it, he's just saying how he feels. WTAF? I'm back in the position of is it me or is he trying to resolve this. If he is I can't see how. We haven't discussed what got him to the point of arrest, just how awful it was for him (he's Aspie so super sensitive to noise, light etc.) and how scared he is. He says he takes responsibility for his bad behaviour and he shouldn't have done it, but this is followed by " I sat in that cell and listened to your seven page statement and I didn't say a bad word about you'. He has told me it's a nonsense (the statement), that I'm re-writing history, that I'm not writing a bloody novel. He's just being clever with his ea, isn't he? Or is it me being impatient and hoping for change more quickly than I should be. It's been two weeks now and we're still treading on eggshells around him because he's been traumatised by his arrest.

pocketsaviour Sat 28-May-16 13:22:45

He was traumatised by his arrest for domestic abuse?

Fucking diddums.

What do you need from us? You've had a lot of advice and I think you know that you need to leave this abusive shithead who is making your children's lives a misery. What do you need to make that happen?

smilingeyes11 Sat 28-May-16 13:25:52

Sorry - no sympathy from me at all. I would advise you contact Women's Aid and get him out of your life. Why should you, and your poor DC, tread on eggshells. Because all you are doing now is waiting for him to kick off again. He already says he wants to smash the house up. You cannot resolve this, fix him, or control when he will abuse you again. It seems now that his abuse has gone much more emotional and that is worse in a way as it is so hard to recognise. Oh and saying you are the abuser, textbook projection much? And him making himself out to be the victim - how utterly vile. Why the hell you want to make it work with this monster is beyond me quite frankly.

Stop waiting for him to change - he never will. And how does he think you are coping with the trauma of living with an abuser and having to call the police, because I found dialling 999 and the aftermath was very traumatic. It is not your fault!

BusStopBetty Sat 28-May-16 13:37:47

I think I posted on your last thread?

He won't change. I don't care what other issues he has, he's abusive (making your walk on eggshells the whole time is abusive) and behaves hideously towards to you and your children.

He needs to leave and not return.

If he doesn't have anywhere to go, well that's his own fault and was caused by HIS behaviour.

Please call women's aid today.

thestamp Sat 28-May-16 13:39:18

Please don't do this to your children. Their health and safety is more important than your feeling you can "save" this person. It is as plain as the nose on anyone's face that he's abusive. Get advice from WA and get him out of your home. Or - Start saving for the next 50 years of private counselling for your kids.... pick your poison

Oddsocksgalore Sat 28-May-16 13:39:38

Op I have been where you are. There was even a newspaper article about me and I was the topic of conversation on a BBC radio show.

My husband spent a night on cells and was up in court for his assault on me. Next morning he was transported to court in one of those vehicles with a cell inside. He too was scared, petrified in fact and there were no arguments for a little while but only because he was worried for HIMSELF. He would still control me with that though. He would say shit like I can't talk about that now as I will only cause a row. Suggesting it was my fault and I couldn't confront his shirty behaviour. It's a total head fuck.

Of course it started again, It always does.

It's almost impossible to think clearly in an abusive relationship. You can't think of how you can make the jump to a better life, it's scary right.

Please leave this man. Imagine yourself sitting in a chair as an old woman looking back over your life and talking to you at the age you are now. What would you say to yourself? Honk of the years you wasted fretting over some waste of space.

It's almost two years since I walked. I had had enough. He did something one day and I screamed at him "that's the last time you will ever hurt me" best day he was gone and I haven't seen him since.

Right now I'm lying on my bed, my boyfriend is lying next to me snoring. We are relaxing while the kids have been taken off for a couple of hours.

He is such a good man, I love him so much. He is so respectful, we never argue. I don't have to wonder where he is or what he's doing.

You could be living a wonderful life, it doesn't have to be like this. Be brave, you can do it xx

Oddsocksgalore Sat 28-May-16 13:41:35

So many typos, sorry x

RyVeeta Sat 28-May-16 13:58:31

I have been to WA and am seeing them regularly. The woman I'm seeing predicted exactly all of this. I do still get scared that it's me and need to be 100% sure that it isn't me, that's fucking hard when your head is being messed with.
Oddsocks, that appears to be exactly the game that he's playing now, I can't talk about it, I don't want to cause trouble, I have no free will in my own house!

smiling yes, I don't know quite how I rung the police and yes, I'm still struggling with it. I have to say, they were brilliant.

pocket I'm getting there, honestly. Sorry.

CharlotteCollins Sat 28-May-16 14:14:42

I know what you mean about wanting to be 100% sure it's not you. And wanting the answer to the tough question: is he changing or isn't he?

Thing is, to someone outside the situation, he clearly isn't changing. He denies that his talk about smashing things is a threat, but that doesn't stop it being a threat. It does make it harder for you to see it that way, though.

Listen, think of it this way. If he's struggling with controlling himself after this recent event hmm then the best way you can help him is to give him space to sort himself out. Don't experts say that abusers can't begin to face their problems while still in the relationship where they've had the power and control?

This is a brilliant line of thinking for you because it enables you to get some head space while ignoring any guilty feelings that you're abandoning him. You're not, you're giving him his best shot.

Can you get yourself free of him, practically speaking? Do you have the means to move out?

BusStopBetty Sat 28-May-16 14:14:42

It's not you. At all. And even if you did complain about his behaviour, so fucking what? You're allowed to be pissed off with someone without them using it as an excuse to be a violent or abusive cunt.

He's a grown man. Yes, he has asd, but so do millions other people, but they don't use it as an excuse to beat the shit out of someone then complain about how hard it was for them when they got caught.

HoppingForward Sat 28-May-16 14:24:45

It isn't you, it's him.

WA will help you get him out of your lives as will the police domestic violence team. Call them and tell them you are scared.

You will start to think clearer without him there.

wherethewildthingis Sat 28-May-16 14:30:47

Never mind imagine yourself as an old woman looking back- how the fuck are you going to justify allowing this to happen to your children? If you do not stop this you will destroy their lives. How about imagine them as adults asking why you didn't stop this from happening to them. Imagine them in their own abusive relationship, with mental health issues, substance misuse, suicidal. That's what you need to focus on, if you cant do it for you then do it for them.

whoopthereitis Sat 28-May-16 14:48:37

Are you intent on leaving him?

If not, why are you putting your children through this. For the life of me, I just cannot understand.

You had the perfect opportunity to get rid & you didn't. I hope I don't sound harsh but I HONESTLY do not get it. Less, you letting him back in to your dependants` lives & then moaning that you don't feel safe.

As someone has already said, what will it take?

Costacoffeeplease Sat 28-May-16 14:54:28

It was entirely predictable that you'd be here today, you need to get away from him. Run don't walk, today not tomorrow. He's fucking your and your kids lives up

What he does, and where he goes is no longer your concern as long as it's as far away from you as possible

LittleMissBossyBoots Sat 28-May-16 14:55:20

You will always be treading on eggshells around him. ALWAYS.

He will never change and you're deluding yourself if you think he will. Sorry to sound harsh but it's the truth.

So your choices are:

1. Stay with an abusive man


2. Leave

Option 3. 'Live happily ever after' is a fantasy which will never happen.

smilingeyes11 Sat 28-May-16 15:17:54

Why do you keep starting a thread, folk respond then you don't reply and ignore all advice? What are you going to do. Ignore all this and start another thread next week saying he has been arrested again?

RyVeeta Sat 28-May-16 15:29:08

I have replied. I know I was daft letting him back but felt that my dds (almost 20) had a say in this too. We all honestly thought him willing to change.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 28-May-16 15:32:18

Well now you know he isn't - so it's make your mind up time....

OTheHugeManatee Sat 28-May-16 15:38:14

Well it looks like you were wrong. What are you going to do now?

RyVeeta Sat 28-May-16 15:41:54

I think, despite everything and because of his disability etc. I wanted to do things a bit more gently. Even though we didn't want him back after the arrest but felt we had few choices I still wanted to be kind. I was going to have a word with his CPN and look into the possibility of sheltered housing/respite etc. Unfortunately, he manipulated that situation so that I didn't get the chance to talk properly about anything relevant.

theredjellybean Sat 28-May-16 15:47:04

Ryveeta...if he wants to change and is going to change why can't he do that from outside the home ?
if he is genuine about his want to change then he would be willing to do that....
he needs to need to tell him to go and show you how he is working on changing . I can think of a few things he could do :

1. go to councelling
2. get anger management councelling
3. undertake cbt
4. see his gp if he hasn't already and be referred to adult services for help with aspergers
5. come round each day for short period and be nice
6. take children out for a bit of time if they are young enough to give you a break
7. take you out...

HE should be doing all this work to show you HE has changed...

SanityClause Sat 28-May-16 15:50:16

Think about what Charlotte Collins says, *RyVeeta^.

Splitting up could be the best chance he gets to straighten himself out.

It's also got to be better for you, to get your own head straight, and be outside of his web.

Keep speaking to your WA person.

You can do this. flowers

Hissy Sat 28-May-16 20:16:02

Please, please please don't stay with him.

Tell him he has to go and mean it.

You can and should phone the police to remove him if he won't go.

Or find somewhere to go yourself and get out.

Staying with him is not an option.

You know you made a big mistake, time to put that right now.

BusStopBetty Sun 29-May-16 17:42:39

How are things?

byjimminey Sun 29-May-16 19:18:52

He wanted to smash the house to pieces because your daughter teased him?

Why exactly are you putting up with him? What does he do for you and your children?

GET RID!!!!!!!

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