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Hello all looking for general advice on relationship or lack of 1

(13 Posts)
Emma9883 Sat 28-May-16 12:20:19

Hi all fairly new to this but need views on a relationship or for one word lack of 1.Been with my OH 10 years life is general seems ok to everyone on the outside but behind closed doors different story.I help raise step daughter she lives with us permanantly but things are not smooth sailing for me.OH is very bad tempered all the time and has been voilent we have not been intimate in over 6 years and for 1 word of putting things im lonely and fed up.I stayed because i genuinely loved him but now its fallen to me thinking i no longer love and resent him now.He walked on out me dec 15 and took his daughter .... he was adimant he wasnt coming back to me even after he said he wouldnt mind me sleeping with other men and he would even set up spare room for me to "f" who i like...OFcourse i was deeply hurt but begged him to come back he wanted me to do "ALL" the changing and he walked back through my door a week later.He fessed up to me he only came back because his daughtet was depressed not living at forward afew months till prrsent and ive done all the changing he asked for went to councilling stopped councilling becausr he wasnt comfy with me speaking to my councillor all the time as a friend and councillor...I cook and clean everyday make sure his kid goes to school and tidy up all the time to no avail they both mess the house constantly or hes on his ps4 from work.we had an incodent last night and he was screaming at me "get fucking home and clean the house etc etc before the police come" right then and there i think wow does he really see me as a cleaner or maid? Anyway im.debating my next move i havnt spoken to him since last night and tbh im still in total shock to leave or not to leave? Any advice and similiar experiences welcome xx

pocketsaviour Sat 28-May-16 12:31:07


You don't love him. He hates you. He has been violent. He is isolating you from support (stopping counselling etc.)

What is your situation, are you working? Do you own your home or rent? Do you have friends or family close by who could help you leave?

Emma9883 Sat 28-May-16 12:37:47

We own our home he doesnt want me working and my family dont speak to me because of him...he holds all the cards so to speak.i resent him that much now im contemplating an affair just to feel human and wanted again.

hesterton Sat 28-May-16 12:40:46

An affair? You need that like a hole in the head. Just ditch the bastard. And get on with building yourself a nice independent life.

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 28-May-16 12:52:04

He's been violent and he's abusive. Those should be enough to leave. He's isolated you also. You should never try and change for anyone, especially an abusive partner. The best thing you can do it get out.

kaitlinktm Sat 28-May-16 13:02:48

Perhaps your family would be supportive if you separated from him - if as you say they are NC with you because of him. Really your life sounds so grim - why should you be an unpaid, isolated servant/punchbag. Please leave OP.

TheCrumpettyTree Sat 28-May-16 13:08:56

He controls you, of course he holds all the cards. Time to take the power back.

Squeegle Sat 28-May-16 13:12:27

What is keeping you there? Is it the fact that you co-own the house? Do you get on with your family when he's not in the picture? He sounds terrible, and the problem is that you have become normalised to his behaviour and you're thinking if you could change, then things would be better with him. But it won't be...

Emma9883 Sat 28-May-16 13:45:34

Hi thanks for the replies ... my home and everything in it keeps me here and him i think.i sort of get on with my family when hes not around but there as bad as he is sometimes.. hes called me from work asking why im upset he loves me and he was defending me during the incident yesterday... i think he likes to believe his own words but i knew he didnt defend me he was rude and disgusting agressive down the phone blaming me for the whole situation and ended the call with get fucking home and clean the house before police come.... i am gonna make the change i have to i feel.we just share a house not a life and im his live in cleaner maid thanks x

flatbellyfella Sat 28-May-16 14:40:15

Get out now, not next week or next year, Women's Aid will help you. He is just using you as a cleaner & house maid. Listen in general to what people of MN advise you, you won't get many advising you to stay & work on it,when he has no intention of working on himself . Get yourself sorted before contemplating an affair.

Emma9883 Sat 28-May-16 18:18:03

Harder said than done. He has just called me and keeps saying sounds like you dont love me. My response if i didnt i wouldnt be here and he says is that what u want so i switch it round and say is it what u want as u keep mentioning it and yet again his temper blows and hes screetching down the phone.ive hung up i just cant be bothered with all the screetching and name calling he hits out with .... thanks for all advice everyone xx

Squeegle Sat 28-May-16 20:02:15

Just say: no, you're right, I've realised I don't love someone who can be so nasty to me. Ask yourself would you EVER act like this to him? I suspect I know the answer there.
Time to start planning your new life. In your shoes I would be seeing a solicitor on Monday to work out how you split and what part of the house is yours. He is truly not good for you.

haveacupoftea Sat 28-May-16 21:38:15

Leave. You must leave, now.

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