Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What to make of this dating situation?

(22 Posts)
Teaandcakeat8 Fri 27-May-16 20:08:40

I've been dating a guy from OLD for a couple of months. At first I was convinced I didn't want a relationship and made that clear to him and he also intimated that he felt the same. After a couple of dates he went away for a month but we kept in contact every day; we hadn't had sex at this point.

He came back a week ago and we have seen each other most days and slept together a lot. He is now away again for 3 weeks (this is all with his job).

I'm not sure what to make of the situation or if I'm over thinking. When I'm not seeing him we don't text as much as we did at first but this could be because we are physically seeing each other. I feel like since we had sex our dynamic has changed and I'm worried I will fall for him. He is way out of my league.

At first I was convinced it was just sex but on our last date we went out for dinner, then came back to mine and just chatted/drank/kissed. Earlier in the week I had an emergency and he picked me up from work (30 miles out of his way) to help me out. He openly checks his phone/texts in front of me and it's usually boys. Whilst out we bumped into his colleagues and he introduced me.

However he never drunk texts me and we don't have each other on social media.

What is everyone's thoughts on this? Am I majorly overthinking or should I cut my losses and get out before I end up hurt? I'm not really ready for a relationship but then the casual thing seems to drive me crazy!

pictish Fri 27-May-16 20:11:22

He never drunk texts you? What is drunk texting supposed to signify in the adult world?

Have you tried asking him what the score is? If not, I suggest you try.

twolinesplease Fri 27-May-16 20:39:46

You should never think anyone is "out of you league"!!

ChicRock Fri 27-May-16 20:43:20

I think you need to decide what you actually want. You made it clear to him that you didn't want a relationship but it's not clear from your op what it is that you do want.

Teaandcakeat8 Fri 27-May-16 21:35:45

I guess the sensible me says I'm not in a good place for a relationship. There are a few things in my life I'm not happy with eg where I live and know if I get in another I won't change them and it will hold me back. I was looking for some fun. I wasn't expecting to find someone I really click with!

Teaandcakeat8 Fri 27-May-16 21:36:41

I guess he is in the same position. He may be moving after the summer so probably feels similar.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 27-May-16 21:45:00

You don't have to "fall" for a guy just because you've had sex with him, but why do you think this one is out of your league?

Cabrinha Fri 27-May-16 22:56:36

Why would being in a relationship with this man or anyone else stop you from getting on with changing your life in ways that you want to?
That just doesn't make sense at all.

Also have no idea why drunk texting is being held up as some sort of barometer for feelings. It is texting. When drunk. End of.

Why can't you make changes you want to if you have a boyfriend?

HeddaGarbled Fri 27-May-16 23:35:32

You don't think you are ready for a relationship but you clearly can't handle no strings casual hook ups so you need to stop OLD.

With regard to the current guy, you are right to be wary. He sounds like a decent guy (the picking you up from work) but don't place too much weight in this yet. It's too soon to read too much into this except he's a nice man.

My advice is to cut down on the frequency of meetings. It is very quick to be seeing each other most days. Once or twice a week is normal in developing relationships.

Drunk texting is stupid and the fact that he doesn't do it makes him sound like a decent and sensible man. Also, not everyone feels the need to publicise their private lives on social media. Don't judge the relationship on these silly things.

What else is going on in your life? Think about your work, your friends, what makes you happy and fulfilled in yourself. Don't make this man the most important thing in your life on the basis of a couple of months of casual sex.

LovePGtipsMonkey Sat 28-May-16 00:06:15

well seems ideal if you both want to move - maybe to the same location? did he talk to you properly about his move or is he not sharing much when it comes to his plans?

Creampastry Sat 28-May-16 05:47:58

Are you really concerned that he never drunk texts you???? That is bizarre. You are very strange.

TheNaze73 Sat 28-May-16 09:29:43

I think if you don't know what you want he's equally as confused

swingofthings Sat 28-May-16 09:57:22

You need to ask yourself how you would feel if you did fall in love with him and it was reciprocated. He made it clear that he didn't want a committed relationship, so you have to accept that most likely, he hasn't changed his mind (men are much likely to do than women, at least earlier on). Saying that, you never know, so are you prepared to take the chance?

The advice I would give is be careful not to try to read things behind his actions that would led you to believe that he cares more than he might do because that's what you want to believe. I've been there, convincing myself that if he did this or that, it was because he really cared and wanted more, when actually, he was just a kind guy and would have done the same for a friend.

It's not that hard to know when someone is falling in love with you because when they do, they normally do everything to try to spend more time with you rather than less than before.

Cabrinha Sat 28-May-16 10:16:03

I don't think you've been dating for a couple of months, btw.

Two dates without sex. Then lots of texting someone you don't actually know for a month. Now a week long shag fest now he's back.

That's not a relationship.

Why are you OLD if you don't want a relationship? Does your profile say casual? In which case, that's what you'll attract.

If his job takes him away for a month, then just a week back before another three weeks away, that's not ideal for most people.

Might suit you if you just want sex occasionally. But you don't know what you do want, it seems.

Teaandcakeat8 Sat 28-May-16 10:46:19

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't want to get into a committed relationship as I want to leave the city I currently live in and believe that it will be much harder to do so if I am with someone. I know other people live in separate cities and keep relationships going but I just cannot see this being the case for me. I have been unhappy living here for a couple of years and haven't moved because of being in a relationship. So I want to use my single years as the chance to do what I want.

I was OLD to find something casual as to be honest I missed sex. But I find it difficult to form a physical relationship with someone I don't feel connected to so one night stands don't do it for me.

He won't find out where he is moving (or if) until later in the year and it could be overseas. He has been very open about this and tbh sounds just as confused about it.

I would like a situation where we casually see each other/date and have fun and obviously sleep together, which I think it what is developing. However I'm scared that feelings will get in the way as actually he ticks a lot of boxes. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and how they dealt with it?

LovePGtipsMonkey Sat 28-May-16 12:14:07

Well there's no answer to that, OP. If you develop feelings and fall for him, then you'll be inclined to stay/move to where he is. If he doesn't fall for you, then you'll have to split up and be possibly heart-broken. And you can't just keep it casual and somehow safe-guard yourself from the feelings.

It comes down to either taking the risk knowing that you can't predict the outcome, or break up with him and date someone casually who you don't really connect with emotionally - it can work sometimes.

Cabrinha Sat 28-May-16 12:29:43

I think that this man, and relationships in general, are a red herring.

Your life is on hold.
You want to leave this city so: JFDI!

What have you done to make that happen?

(on a side note: I'd think about why you want to leave. Because if the reason for being unhappy there comes from within, you'll just be taking it with you)

He may be a lovely guy, who knows. But you can't read ANYTHING into someone driving 30 miles to help you out when they've been away a month, and have just 1 week before going for another 3 - and during that week, you're guaranteed sex. I'm not having a go at him, I'd drive 30 miles and help someone out for sex too!

He already works away a lot, said he didn't want a relationship, might be moving away anyway and you've told him you only want casual. All that says, chances are it's just sex and fun to him.

We can't say anything really about you potentially falling for him - you can't "manage" that.

What you can do, is look inward.

What's wrong for you at the moment that you think he's better than you? (He's not, no person is - you have an unhealthy approach to relationships if you think he is)

Why aren't you getting on with moving?

Forget about him (he's not around next 3 weeks anyway).
Go change your life.

Cabrinha Sat 28-May-16 12:31:24

Honestly: if you think someone is out of your league then stop dating, full stop, until you value yourself more. Trust me, you'll attract better partners and have better relationships when you do!

Teaandcakeat8 Sat 28-May-16 12:43:43

I want to leave because there are few prospects for me here, it's not a vibrant city, I'm unhappy in my job and don't get paid what I'm worth but there is not much work here. All valid reasons.

His life is just incredible; travel, money, women etc and it's making me feel very inadequate about my own I guess. In that way he's too good for me.

Moving just seems very scary!

Cabrinha Sat 28-May-16 13:00:39

So in the last month, how much time have you put into choosing a new area and looking for a new job?

And how much time have you put into texting and shagging a bloke that's going nowhere?

Mmmm hmmmm wink

Come on - focus on the important stuff!

He's just a person. I earn 3x my fiancé and have worked in 5 different countries this year alone. Does my fiancé think I'm better than him? Nope.

Slowdecrease Sat 28-May-16 23:45:14

The drunk texting comment is just weird. It seems to me you're getting what you both wanted - casual fun and sex. If you develop feelings so what? Deal with them when and if it happens. This isnt dawsons creek and you are an adult so enough of the angst. Sort out your work situation and if its meant to fall into place with this guy it will (or not).

Dozer Sat 28-May-16 23:50:04

He's "too good for you" and "out of your league" because of his job??

Why're you dating at all when you have self esteem issues?

Are you job seeking in a city you'd prefer that has more opportunities?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now