Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5 6

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

In love with DP but getting head turned unwillingly

131 replies

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 19:52

I will start of first by saying I am a man and really struggling with my thoughts.

I am keen to settle down and have been craving family life. I met a great woman and have been seeing her for over 2 years. We have met families etc and are fully integrated in each other lives. She is perfect, and the plan is to marry her and start a family in the not too distance future.

I recently met another woman through a mutual friend. I am very attracted to her and find it hard to avoid her. I am fully aware the best option is to stay away from her completely, but I am finding the draw too strong and she is also very keen which makes it even harder. I have not cheated with this OW.

I am struggling with my thoughts as I always thought if you truly love someone, you don't get these urges anymore to see other people. The situation with this OW is making me question what I have with DP.

Has anyone ever experienced this and does anyone have any advice on how to overcome?

OP posts:

Report

KatieKaboom · 27/05/2016 19:58

Get a grip.

It doesn't sound as though monogamy with your girlfriend is for you.

It's not a crime to fall out of love and move onto pastures new.
Two years is nothing. Just don't string your girlfriend along while you're mooning over someone else.

HuskyLover1 · 27/05/2016 19:59

You are not in love with your Partner. If you were, you wouldn't be lusting after another woman. Let your Partner go, so that she can find someone to lover her who won't be chasing other females.

MuttonCadet · 27/05/2016 20:01

Two years is nothing, if you're already thinking about straying you need to leave the relationship.

Amazed you're even having to question this......

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 27/05/2016 20:10

I am fully aware the best option is to stay away from her completely - Yes!

I disagree that finding someone else attractive shows your current relationship is lacking - it is an occupational hazard of monogamy. However, the key is how you deal with it. If you value what you have with your DP, then take your own advice and stay away from the (potential) other woman.

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 20:12

I don't want to be with the OW, I am just attracted to her on a physical level. I don't intend to stray.

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 27/05/2016 20:15

So what's your question?

Most responses say leave your current relationship, it's not love if you feels this way within two years.

How to avoid it? Avoid the OW. (Again lots of posters have suggested this).

What would you like us to say - that might make it a bit easier on everyone....

seeyounearertime · 27/05/2016 20:16

You can be with someone and find others attractive but what your actions are are your choice.

You can easily start away from someone if you want too.
You can not text someone, not talk to someone, etc.
Your choosing to pursue this and that isn't beyond your control.

OutsSelf · 27/05/2016 20:17

I don't have the same view of long term love that pp seem to have. I am with the man who will be my life partner, we have 2 DC, we have been together 8 yrs. I see other people I quite fancy all the time, I assume he does too. We're both human.

But I don't go all moony about them because I've made an actual commitment to my partner. The while, oh we're drawn together, I get these urges thing is bollox of the highest order, a happy self deception. You speak like you have no actual control over the choice you have made to consider this OW as an actual prospect. Rubbish. You entertain these thoughts and you could choose not to. It's dead easy, you just remember how much you respect your partner and how much you respect yourself too much to throw your life away for a fantasy shag, (or conquest as it seems to be in your deeply unattractive case). You make a choice and act like a grownup.

Now put your big boy pants on spend a bit of time having a critical and honest little think about what exactly is going on when you specifically determine to target someone who actually isn't interested. It doesn't really make you sound much like you respect her any more than you do your current GF. Sort it out.

goddessofsmallthings · 27/05/2016 20:18

Only the head of a knob can be turned "unwillingly".

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 20:19

I guess my issue is the conflict between what I think I want - stability with my DP etc and what my urges are driving me to do.

I want a family and I want this with my DP, but I sometimes wonder if I am forcing this and it's not the right option for me. I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar position and what did they end up doing?

OP posts:

seeyounearertime · 27/05/2016 20:22

"what my urges are driving me to do."

Theyre not driving you to do anything, you're choosing to do whatever.
Unless you're a fuckwit, or completely feeble minded, you should be able to resist your "urges" quite easily.

Cabrinha · 27/05/2016 20:23

When I am unhappy in a relationship, I am attracted to other people.

When I am happy in a relationship I couldn't give a fig for anyone else. Anyone else I meet is second best by a long way.

I think you're with the wrong woman.
I certainly think she's with the wrong man, as this is any kind of dilemma for you.

Pollaidh · 27/05/2016 20:26

Went to a really interesting (non-religious) pre-wedding preparation course. In it they explained that from time to time there will be someone who poses a threat to the marriage - an attractive colleague who massages your ego etc.

Their big point was that these attractions WILL happen in a relationship, and both people in the couple have to take responsibility to defend their relationship. They said that there is always a point at which you make a decision. It might be a request to meet alone for drinks after work or something, it's not a kiss or sleeping with them, it's that moment when instinctively you know there's more to it. And at that point you need to make your choice.

Assuming you value your relationship, this is the moment at which you need to say no and make it clear you are not interested in the OW. It would then be wise to look at your relationship - separately from this temptation - to see if there is anything there that needs discussing or fixing.

People get attracted or even crushes on other people all the time, even when they are in committed relationships. The difference between being a knob or not, is whether you choose to pursue it.

Bubbinsmakesthree · 27/05/2016 20:26

I say utter bollocks to the notion you can't be in love with someone if you fall in lust with someone else. And two years in is a prime time for this to happen, after the initial 'spark' has died down and your moving into a different phase of your relationship. The trick is recognising it for what it is, staying out of temptations way and putting effort into your relationship with your partner and finding ways to keep excitement in the relationship rather than getting that kick outside (even if it is not something you have any intention of acting on).

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 20:27

I take full responsibility. I want to spend time with the OW, but I do not want to cheat, I love my DP and see my future with her.

OP posts:

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 27/05/2016 20:28

I am constantly attracted to other people, as is my partner... Bottom line : we don't act on on it as we are committed to eachother... We recognise it for what it is... A fantasy

We all have urges... This is just the primitive part of our brains... Whether we act on this is dowb to us! Only you can know how important your partner is to you

BrandNewAndImproved · 27/05/2016 20:29

I think it's really normal to fancy other people. Remember this ow isn't totally amazing, has got annoying habits and is human blabla. Don't force yourself to stay with your dp if that's not what you want but don't do that keeping the eggs in a basket thing. If you didn't fancy this ow would you still be happy with your dp or is something missing?

I also think it's ok to end a relationship because you like someone else more. Unless you are married you haven't committed to your dp yet so it's ok to not want to be with her anymore. (will get lynched now) .

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 20:33

If you didn't fancy this ow would you still be happy with your dp or is something missing?

Yes I would be. The OW has completely thrown me. Have never been this attracted to someone before on a physical level. We are not a great personality match, but I respect her in many ways.

OP posts:

HootyMc0wlFace · 27/05/2016 20:36

I am struggling with my thoughts as I always thought if you truly love someone, you don't get these urges anymore to see other people. The situation with this OW is making me question what I have with DP.

And therein lies the problem. We are fed this One True Love line from an early age but the fact of the matter is that sexual attraction and chemistry have nothing to do with love or not being in love. It's an (I'm assuming!) attractive woman and you are having lusty feelings. Fair enough.

But it is up to you how you act from there. Do not delude yourself that you are not in a position of control. Life is a series of choices, big and small. We make thousands of choices every day. If you cheat on your - is she your girlfriend? You only say that you've been seeing her. Why the lack of commitment in your language? - it will be because of a string of choices that you make: to spend time with her, to drink with her, to be alone with her, to kiss her, etc.

Equally it will also be your choice to bow out of social situations if you know she will be there, or spend the evening sober and speaking to other people if she is there. It will be your choice not to lie to yourself that you can just be friends. It will be your choice not to meet her and it will be your choice not to fuck her.

You're having sexual feelings for another woman. This is fine. Trying to blame these feelings for your choices is not fine.

Good luck OP.

derxa · 27/05/2016 20:38

How old are you and your DP Kaperee ?

MsMims · 27/05/2016 20:40

I feel sorry for your DP. No doubt she is clueless that you 'want to spend time with the OW'

Why are you even calling her the 'OW'. If you haven't cheated then she isn't the OW, just a woman you are lusting after.

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 20:41

You're having sexual feelings for another woman. This is fine. Trying to blame these feelings for your choices is not fine.

This is exactly it I guess. I have made a choice to spend time alone with the OW.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Kaperee · 27/05/2016 20:42

We are both late 30s

OP posts:

derxa · 27/05/2016 20:43

The other thing is that you say your DP is 'perfect'. I'm sure she'd rather be lusted after by you than be thought 'perfect'. I wish you well though.

KatieKaboom · 27/05/2016 20:44

I dunno. Is it better to be the Madonna or the whore?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.