Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH's friend and domestic abuse

(8 Posts)
greenleaf1 Fri 27-May-16 19:51:29

This one is a bit of a WWYD I suppose. Please help mumsnetters.

My DH is (generally) a gentle, kind, caring soul. He's very loyal to his friends - in fact I've occasionally had to point out how twatty some of them are to him, and get him to assert himself more.

An old friend of his got in touch with him today - DH hadn't heard from him in a year or two.

The friend is an old work colleague - married, with three kids. This guy reached out to him because his "life had changed dramatically, and he was missing an old friend."

My DH was curious and concerned, so called him straight back. The friend, it turns out, is now separated from his wife and kids. When DH called he launched into the background to the breakup.

His wife apparently lost her mother last year, and the grief sent her "mad" - so mad, it seems, that their happy marriage collapsed and she - seemingly overnight - turned into some raving lunatic who wanted to frame him for abusing her and the kids. She apparently cited lots of tiny, ridiculous incidents of abuse (e.g. leaving the light on after coming home from a nightshift - just to disturb them all), and the whole thing culminated in a visit from the police where he was arrested in front of his children.

Fast forward a week or so, and the police decide there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute him, and the case was dropped.

As an aside - this man comes from the other side of the world - and he told my DH that both his parents died last year, within a month or two of each other, and he couldn't fly out to see them because of this whole nightmare situation with his wife.

DH spent a long time on the phone to him - comforting him, and telling him how awful his situation was. Meanwhile, huge RED FLAGS were flying for me! The whole story seems so weird and implausible, and I'm wondering if this man's wife (who I don't know at all), was subjected to a load of low-level abuse over years until - finally - the last straw broke the camel's back.

I mean - really - do people choose to wreck a happy relationship, because they are distraught with grief for someone else?

I'm also wondering why this man chose now to get in touch with DH, after years of not hearing from him. Why does my DH need to hear his story - hear his "spin" on what happened?

Anyway - here's my dilemma. DH has invited said friend round to our area on Monday. If I'm here, I'll meet him (I know him too from work, from a while ago). Without knowing his wife's side of this sorry tale I feel very reluctant to have anything to do with him. Certainly not to sit and nod in sympathy.

DH and I have already had an argument about this today - DH doesn't seem to accept at all that this man might be an abusive arse, because he's a "friend". I have no desire to fall out with my DH over someone he is barely in contact with.

Anyway - what should I do? Make my excuses and avoid the area on Monday (highly inconvenient)? Try and get more info from this guy on the exact circumstances of the break-up (don't know if I can be bothered if I'm honest)? Or just leave DH to comforting him (maybe an abusive arse), and say I don't want to hear anything about their evening together? To be honest - my gut feeling is to feel awful for his wife ....

Would love your thoughts. Thanks for reading!

cansu Fri 27-May-16 19:55:00

Go out and leave them to it. Don't get involved. Your dh has every right to be supportive to his friend. You have the right to opt out.

greenleaf1 Fri 27-May-16 20:13:37

Thanks cansu. I'm wondering though what if this man is really an abusive piece of work. I'd rather my DH didn't support "friends" like that?

AncoraAmarena Fri 27-May-16 20:18:22

But you don't know that he's a 'friend like that', you're surmising. Give him a chance at least, surely?

SandyY2K Fri 27-May-16 20:37:53

Women are very capable of making up lies about DV and abuse, so don't rule that out.
I wouldn't have a problem with and would believe the friend.

If it was a friend of yours and the tables were turned would you believe her ? And how would you feel if your DH didn't want her in your house?

Never believe that men can't face abuse and be set up. Sane women do it so a mentally ill one certainly can.

dodobookends Fri 27-May-16 20:47:54

There's a lot to be said for fence-sitting tbh. If you really can't feel that you can be impartial, then perhaps you could diplomatically leave them and go out for a while.

Conceptionzilla Fri 27-May-16 20:52:36

I know a few good men who have had false allegations of DV thrown at them, mostly in bizarre circumstance. Keep an open mind.

trackrBird Fri 27-May-16 21:37:18

I would also get out from under, and leave them to it.

DV in all its forms is horribly commonplace. People who 'suddenly go mad' or falsely accuse others exist, but are really not so commonplace. That's all anyone can say.

In the absence of any further information I would refuse to get involved.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now