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How much involvement does your dp/dh have with their ex (if they have children together )?

(59 Posts)
Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 12:03:56

Ok, I think I am struggling with trust with DP and I am struggling with the whole 'ex and children thing' so I am probably being unreasonable.

DP has been living with me for 6 months, it was a bit rushed and I had only been single 6 months ( separated from Dh ). New DP has 2 children with ex, they live quite far away so every Saturday he goes and visits them, they rarely come here as its too much travelling, in a way I like this as I don't have to be too involved with his dc and I get to spend a day with my 2 dc without him being there.
I don't mind DP going to see his children but a few things make me feel uncomfortable. He goes over to his ex's house, lets. Himself in, will go in and make a drink and get the kids ready so he can take them out. Apparently his ex is lazy and is still in bed so he has to get the children ready. He seems to make him self at home, will rummage through her cupboards ( apparently he's checking that she's feeding the kids properly ) hmm, some times he seems to spend more time at the house than out with the kids.
I have spoke to him in the past about how I feel about this and he told me he would just go and collect the kids, take them out for the day and then drop them off later but he carried on going into the house, one day he messaged me to tell me he was tidying up as the house was a mess and she was still in bed, I got really angry as I know if my ex came into my house and did this I would be livid. Anyway last week we had another argument about something and it lead back to this again, again he has agreed to just collect the kids and to stop making his self at home in a house he does not live in, I felt much better and then last night he told me he was giving her a lift to the station on Saturday to save her using the bus ( she's going away for the weekend ).

I know I am probably just being silly, I tend to over think everything, I know she's his children's mother and they are always going to have to be around each other but some of the thing he does just seems odd too me.

I am struggling to trust him due to him telling me he's going to do something and then not doing it ( not just with this, there have been other things ), I really want to trust him and I don't want to feel like this about him going to his ex's as I know it's the only way he can really have contact with his children.

Does anyone else struggle with 'contact with the ex' or is it just me being silly?

Other than this things seem to be really good but I feel like I'm letting this get too me so much that it could ruin things sad.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget Fri 27-May-16 12:50:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

awhfuck Fri 27-May-16 12:55:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 12:59:46

Thank you, that gives me another perspective too it, I guess it feels odd to me as I wouldn't want my ex coming into my house and doing those things, it's my home now ( not his ) and I would rather he knocked on the door and waited to be invited in, he does come into my house but he wouldn't dream of going through my cupboards or helping his self to food and drink.

He moved in with me pretty quicky as he had no where else to go, his marriage broke down 18 months ago but he was still living in the house ( but working away a lot ). I do regret rushing into things and the whole situation makes me feel uneasy. Really he gives me no real reason not to trust him, he tells me everything, probably tells me too much ( tells me that he's been in the house and tells me every detail of everything ), I think it's just me looking for something to go wrong sad. I don't want to get in the way of him seeing his children and I would never stop him seeing them, I just feel uneasy about some of the things he does.

Nabootique Fri 27-May-16 13:02:01

Totally agree with whatyousee. I don't have quite the same set up with my ex now, but we have done similar on and off in the past. This sort of thing isn't for everyone, but you have to do what works best for the children and both parents. If everyone is happy with the arrangement, great, and it is definitely better to be friendly if at all possible.

Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 13:02:10

The kids are welcome at mine it's just due to all the travelling involved it's easier for him to see them there. The times they'd have been over has been a nightmare as the youngest has been tired from the long car journey. We haven't got the space for them to stay for the weekend or that would be a better option.

awhfuck Fri 27-May-16 13:02:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

awhfuck Fri 27-May-16 13:03:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

princessmi12 Fri 27-May-16 13:05:31

Sorry wouldn't be a red flag for me.
My exDH does exactly what you describe in relation to entering house,acting as if he's at home(once he brought his bloody washing without asking me to wash at my house because his washing machine wasn't working properly).It annoys me so much and I keep telling him to respect boundaries ,but in his mind he does nothing wrong. There's NOTHING between us and we split up long time ago.

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 27-May-16 13:06:53

If I had to reassure myself children were being fed, and I had to get them up because their other parent was still in bed and not getting them up/ready for the day, I would be looking to get at least 50/50 residency if not custody.

It doesn't sound like your DP trusts his ex to look after the DC, so why is he still allowing them to live there full-time?

Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 13:08:10

Awhfuck, that's my view exactly, I don't see the need for him to check her cupboards, there was another time where he checked the TV to see how much time she spent in front of it ( not sure how it's done ), I know he worries about her not spending time with kids, there has been issues with her not getting up in the mornings and the kids not going to school ( at least one day a week this happens ) but at the end of the day it's wrong of him to go snooping around.

It's not a trust issue with me worrying about him being with her, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't go back there, it's more that I am uneasy with his behaviour ( making him self at home in her house ).

awhfuck Fri 27-May-16 13:08:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

awhfuck Fri 27-May-16 13:09:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 13:14:35

Awh, they are not rows as such, just small disagreements, mainly due to his lack of giving me notice when he's going to be working away ( he leaves everything till the last minute and I am super organised ) grin.

This is going to sound really bad but I can't see him giving up his job to have 50/50 custody of the children, we have nowhere for them to sleep here, I am in a tiny rented house and I have 2 children with special needs, unless someone's going to give us a bigger house and support us financially I can't see us having the children as a option. On paper he has joint responsibility for the children so obviously if he had to have them he would. He is working with the school to try and make the situation better with their attendance, he tries to call he to make sure she takes them to school but she refuses to answer the phone ( though she phones him most days to moan that one of her dc's is being naughty ).

Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 13:16:39

I know it was rushed, I regret that now but there's not much I can do now to change that sad, this is the situation we are in now, 99% of the time things run smoothly, the other 1% if after he's been over there and tells me he's been sat in her house for most of the day whilst she can't be bothered to get up.

HermioneJeanGranger Fri 27-May-16 13:17:27

He's obviously not that worried then because he's not willing to provide them with somewhere else to go. Can he not rent somewhere of his own nearer the children and see them more?

I don't see that the two options are "quit his job and move the children in with you" or "leave things as they are."

It seems to me like he doesn't think she's doing a good job - but if that's the case, he needs to step up.

LogicalThinking Fri 27-May-16 13:18:47

I'm struggling to see the real issue here. If she is ok with him doing that, then it's simply that you don't trust him. There is no point in living with someone when you don't trust them.

The fact that you wouldn't want your ex doing the same thing is irrelevant. He is being involved as a father. If they are amicable enough to be in the house together, that has to be better for the kids. I don't quite understand why he is telling you that he was rummaging through the cupboards. What's wrong with him giving her a lift to the station? What could possibly happen on that journey?
You don't want to be involved with his kids (which I do find odd when you have chosen to be in a relationship with a man who has kids), so you just want him to collect his kids and take them out. If he spends time in the house caring for them, then he is doing far more as a father than just taking them out.

awhfuck Fri 27-May-16 13:20:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 13:28:56

His job is almost 100 miles from where the kids live so moving closer would mean losing his job, if he was closer he could help take the kids to school but this will just make her more lazy, what can't she take the kids to school? It's the only thing she has to do all day, she doesn't work and he supports the kids financially ( another reason he can't lose his job ), it's just not that easy to move house hmm.

I'm sure she feeds the kids and looks after them ( the only issue is her taking them to school ), I'm sure he makes out she is worse than she is, she's obviously coped quite well over the past 18 months when he was working away a lot. I think it's him that's making things out to be worse than they'd actually are. If he was that worried about his kids then surely he shouldn't have moved out and left them?

I understand that he has to go to the house and that sometimes he may have to go and get them dressed and ready, I understand that he has to do things with them, that's not the problem, I just don't understand the snooping around and doing he favours that don't involve the kids ( driving her around, taking her into town etc.. ).

I did say I was probably being unreasonable and I know I am but I can't help the way I feel. I don't always tell him how I feel, I have only moaned at him for going in there and rummaging around and tidying up her house for her, of course I wouldn't come between him and his children, I keep most of this to myself which is why I posted on here ( needed to tell someone how I feel ) so please don't bash me for coming between a father and his children.

awhfuck Fri 27-May-16 13:30:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceInUnderpants Fri 27-May-16 13:30:18

Why did you let a man move into your house if there was nowhere for his children to come and stay?

He sounds like a complete loser - and that's nothing to do with the being comfortable around his children's home thing.

awhfuck Fri 27-May-16 13:30:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiFury Fri 27-May-16 13:32:06

He sounds controlling of his ex and a cock lodger for you.

A real prince hmm

Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 13:32:59

And it is relevant that my ex doesn't snoop around my house, on the rare occasion that my ex does have to come into the house my dp gets a bit funny about it, so why is it not ok for my ex to come into the house but it's ok for him to stroll into her house whenever he likes?

Lovemusic33 Fri 27-May-16 13:35:11

So now I shouldn't have fallen for someone who has kids as I don't have a big enough house for them to stay in? hmm

Must make a note for next time grin

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