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Should I trust my husband, has he/will he cheat?

(46 Posts)
sansXsouci Fri 27-May-16 10:21:27

There are a few relationships my husband has had with female work colleagues that I have long been suspicious of. Colleague number one was a temp (16 years younger than him), when she first started he told me a new really good looking temp had started and was really turning the heads and getting lots of attention, 'fine ok' I thought until my husband show me a youtube video she made of her interviewing him (WTF?!) and she was very much a girl next door type rather than a head turner, I realised the only head being turned was his. He started hanging out with her lots, nights out etc., while being very disparaging about her to me. We don't live in London and he even 'unexpectedly' bumped into her in a pub on a night out in London, what are the chances? He insisted they were just friends, but I got pissed off with it and eventually he 'manufactured an argument' between them to 'please' me.

Collegue number 2. He told me a 'very attractive', 'highly intelligent' and 'curvy' woman (approx 10 years younger) had fallen madly in love with him, was in a open relationship, wanted sex with him, apparently asked 'your wife's cool isn't she?' (where would she get that idea - I'm not 'cool'?!). They had to steal a walk on an extended fag break and go to lunch to discuss it all. Husband claimed he wasn't attracted to her at all. Personally when people have come on to me since I have been married, I just tell them 'thanks but I am married', no lunches or walks required.

I have my husbands old phone and his old texts are still on it, when my suspicions were aroused again last week I read through some of the old texts and found this. Lots and lots of texting between him and colleague 1, nothing directly incriminating, but very flirty - they obviously fancied one another. Also on at least one occasion he met up with her only and told me he was going out with 'people from work'.

A while after a text from a friend refering to an in person conversation, the friend says 'don't beat yourself up about being tempted, I had a three year affair with someone from work' (nice!)

Then texts from my husband to his friend asking for words of encouragement about monogamy as he his going for lunch with colleague 2 who he has flirted with, to 'talk about it' and she gives him a 'total boner'. After the lunch he texted his friend to say he has 'high level sexual feelings' for her and doesn't want to hurt her, but won't do anything.

I've had it out with him, he's not giving away any more information than I already have. He says the texts with his friends are 'just locker room talk'. He's understandably annoyed that I read his texts and I think be basically feels he's don't nothing wrong as he hasn't actually has sex. I feel betrayed, but maybe I'm making a big fuss about nothing - I can't tell anymore?

sansXsouci Fri 27-May-16 10:30:54

Oops - should have been more concise, sorry that's so long.

TheStoic Fri 27-May-16 10:35:36

I'm afraid it's not a matter of if he will cheat.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-May-16 10:37:18

I would be exactly the same as you in this situation.
You have his old phone, why the hell wouldn't you have a look through it?

How long have you been together?
Do you have kids?
Do you joint own your home or do you rent?
This will make a difference to my reply.

BitchPeas Fri 27-May-16 10:37:31

Honestly, he sounds like an absolute fucker. He's annoyed you read his texts? Poor diddums hmm

LTB. His behaviour is so utterly disrespectful and he's not even sorry!

Sundancedamned Fri 27-May-16 10:44:38

You feel betrayed because you have been betrayed. You need to label it what it is and not allow him to minimise it.

If it really was that he did nothing but heavy flirting and locker room talk then he has a terrible problem with needing attention and validation from women. This in some way will backfire down the line anyway, because you will not be able to give him all the attention he needs, all the time and he will quite happily - it seems - turn to the latest female colleague to get his goodies.

You need to show him that you're serious his behaviour is out of line and you need to not tell him anything else you know. In an ideal world you should have said "I know everything about X colleague and Y colleague" I'm going to give you 1 minute to tell me the truth or I need you to pack your bags and go.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Fri 27-May-16 10:45:10

He sounds like a knob. You have his old phone and you read the texts but he didn't want you to? Rubbish, it's easy to wipe them all, he wanted you to see them.

I don't know if he's had an affair but he certainly sounds like he needs a lot of attention outside of your relationship and it'll only be a matter of time before someone comes along who he just can't resist hmm Leave now or wait until you have your nose rubbed in his next crush/full on affair.

sansXsouci Fri 27-May-16 10:45:51

We've been together 17 years, married for 9, we have 2 kids and we joint own/rent our home (it's a share ownership, part buy/part rent).

It's not exactly that he's not sorry, he hasn't actually said sorry, he has said 'I'm an idiot' and agreed he would be cross if I had done the same and been sympathetic, but I think he also quite proud of not having had sex with either of the women.

Chinks123 Fri 27-May-16 10:46:17

Nice how he's turned it around so he's annoyed at you for reading his texts and finding him out! hmm
He may not have had sex with her but he most definitely has done something wrong! He has majorly crossed a line and he doesn't even sound like he cares.. Sorry op but I don't know how I could stand to touch him after reading that another woman have him a 'total boner' He sounds like a 12 year old.

Chinks123 Fri 27-May-16 10:48:16

What is there to be proud about? I haven't cheated on my partner, I'm not proud of that fact. I love and respect him I don't have to try not to flirt with other people. Urgh it's making me mad can you tell haha sorry op

sansXsouci Fri 27-May-16 10:53:16

Yes, he does absolutely love attention and praise, he's pretty narcissistic, he's also very out going and engaging. I genuinely don't think he intended for me to see the texts, he's very careless about that sort of thing. I am trying to get my head around disengaging myself from him financially and emotionally. It horrible, I know it's pathetic, but the thought of separating leaves me feeling hopeless and obviously the children would be devastated.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Fri 27-May-16 10:54:53

I'd leave him just for using the words total boner to be honest, he sounds like a boy hitting puberty and that's not even a fair statement cos not even all boys would behave this way hmm

I agree that it's not IF he cheats, it's WHEN, though to be honest you've said it's an old phone you've seen the messages on so I wouldn't rule out that he has.

I would definitely put plans in place to leave. Sorry for what you're going through flowers

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-May-16 10:58:44

Oh dear - well then this is totally your choice.
Would he agree to counselling with you?
If you want to work on your marriage then you should.
This all sounds really sleazy though and I'd not like it one little bit.
I'd probably myself a bit of time to think things through.

If you weren't married with kids I'd say run for the frickin' hills.

Don't rush any decisions right now based on a load of strangers on the internet.
No knee jerk reactions.
Just get some space and think about things and what YOU would like to happen next.

HeffalumpHistory Fri 27-May-16 11:05:40

To me the trust would be gone from what has happened. He wouldn't have to sleep with someone else now, I personally feel the damage is done & would struggle to continue.

That's me though. Only you know if you could trust him again, if not then it's all a bit pointless is it not? <I know LTB is much easier said online than done in RL>

flowers he sounds like an arse!

princessmi12 Fri 27-May-16 11:11:41

sansXsouci
Without sounding apologetic, just want to say 17 years of marriage and routine/boring life it becomes after such long time, your DH ' behaviour is understandable but not excusable. He might not be able to help himself ,he can fancy someone at work but acting on it is completely different matter. Do you feel he already crossed that boundary? I actually do because of
They had to steal a walk on an extended fag break and go to lunch to discuss it all
* Also on at least one occasion he met up with her only and told me he was going out with 'people from work'*
Him confiding in friend is normal, that's what people do.I had few female married friends telling me in private conversations they madly fancy someone else and struggling to not to cheat.And those were seemingly good,functional marriages and happy families.Did they cheat at the end ? No! But that's female prospective on being faithful.

sansXsouci Fri 27-May-16 11:12:19

Thank you all for the words of advice, it's helpful, it really is. All this has given me pause for thought. I have realised I've been a bit of a doormat over the years. I made my husband get up with the kids this morning give them breakfast and bring me a cup of tea in bed, he never ever does this, how have I allowed it? I do 95% of the house work, cooking etc, 100% of the DIY and garden. The more time I have to work on the small business I run from home the more financially independent I can be.

seeyounearertime Fri 27-May-16 11:13:48

I have never in my 36 years on this planet ever struggled to not cheat. I've never found it difficult to not stick my penis into another woman. I have also never ever found it difficult to not have an emotional affair with another person.

Maybe I'm weird.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-May-16 11:15:28

Ok then, take your time and get a list together of everything you do.
Every little thing.
Then sit down with him and go through it and see what he wants to take off of your hands.
Then give HIM a list of what you want him to do because it will be way different to what he offers to do.
Then stick to it.
Then concentrate on your business more and get that built up.
Do you have hobbies? Does your DH have hobbies?
How much 'ME' time do you get? The gym? a class?

Sn0tnose Fri 27-May-16 11:19:03

The trust would be gone for me, particularly in light of the fact that instead of being horrified about hurting you, he's asking for a pat on the head and a chocolate biscuit for not putting his penis anywhere it had no business being. That's a basic requirement of monogamous marriage; he doesn't get extra credit for that!

Only you know whether this is something you can get past and forgive. It's my experience that recovering a relationship depends very much on the guilty party's actions and how willing they are to try and mend things, more so than the willingness to forgive. It doesn't sound like he really feels like he's done anything wrong and I think that's where your biggest problem will be.

sansXsouci Fri 27-May-16 11:19:42

Thank you for offering another perspective princessmi12, I'm not pure as the driven snow. I have of course fancied other men, also when we were together, but before we were married I have flirted on occasion, but more in a one off light hearted way.

sansXsouci Fri 27-May-16 11:29:36

Hellsbellsmelons, good idea, it's the sticking to it part that will be the real test. We do both have hobbies, although mine have gone by the wayside of late, I do get out once a week to play netball.

pocketsaviour Fri 27-May-16 11:39:26

seeyou I don't think you're weird but I do think you're unusual. I think most people struggle with monogamy and in my experience most people cheat.

seeyounearertime Fri 27-May-16 11:57:38

pocket I think it's partly because i dont look for or invite it. If there was a new person at work that i found attractive then i wouldnt enter into conversations of a flirtatious nature. I would chat to them with the same contempt that i treat everyone with. grin
if it did turn flirtatious on their part then i would pander to it or encourage it. I think that makes sense.

basically, you cant cheat unless you want to, everyone that ever cheated has encouraged it or saught it, i do neither.

seeyounearertime Fri 27-May-16 11:57:44

pocket I think it's partly because i dont look for or invite it. If there was a new person at work that i found attractive then i wouldnt enter into conversations of a flirtatious nature. I would chat to them with the same contempt that i treat everyone with. grin
if it did turn flirtatious on their part then i would pander to it or encourage it. I think that makes sense.

basically, you cant cheat unless you want to, everyone that ever cheated has encouraged it or saught it, i do neither.

Pseudo341 Fri 27-May-16 12:24:14

He doesn't seem to have and respect for you, or indeed any consideration for you at all, this is all about him. Why on earth would he need to engage in any discussions with these women about their feelings for him? He should be shutting anything like that down the moment it's suggested. He's married, the answer is no, nothing else to say. He sounds like he has a massive ego and likes to think he could have anyone he wants, and then congratulates himself on taking the moral high ground and not actually acting on his urges, he just likes to know he could if he wanted to. If he hasn't shagged someone else already he will in the future, eventually the kick he gets from just testing the waters won't be enough for his ego. I bet he thinks you're really lucky to have him and really lucky he's so good as to not actually stick his penis into someone else. I'm not going to shout LTB when you've got kids because I know it's just not that simple, but personally I couldn't stay with someone who had so little regard for me.

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