Is it me?

[Smoggirl]

First post so please bear with me. I have nobody else to talk to and I don't know whether everything is my fault. Been with my husband 12 years, 2 DC, previously had quite severe postnatal depression although think have suffered all my life. I work full time in a high pressured job. Husband doesn't believe i am depressed as he says I have nothing to be depressed about. He constantly puts me down and tells me he will tell everyone the truth about me as apparently I act differently in front of people. He expects me to cook, clean and take care of the kids. I fail with this every day, the more mess their is the more useless I feel. He drinks heavily though the week but this is his own money so it's ok. I went to university to try and better myself but he says I've caused nothing but trouble for the family and landed us in lots of debt. I've recently agreed to drop from 5 to 3 days for the sake of my mental health but says I'm lazy and I'm risking our family for the sake of doing what I want. Money wise we would only be 200 worse off but this is unacceptable, though I've explained if he stopped drinking this would be solved. I threaten to leave he gets angry and says he will ruin my career and tell my family and friends things as he thinks I put on an act in front of them. I have asked his friends for help but they don't want to get involved and I don't see my friends as have developed some kind of social anxiety. Is it me? I think I know the answer but he makes me feel so stupid.

[ilovelamp82]

It is not you. Please contact Women's aid. I would bet my last poind that your depression and anxiety would get better every day you are away from this man. Nobody deserves to be put down by another human being, especially one who is supposed to love you and you've had children with. His emotional abuse is what has made you doubt your own thoughts. Please call women's aid and talk it through with them. They are brilliant.

[CantAffordtoLive]

No wonder you are depressed. He is abusive. You would be so much better off without him IMO. As for the money being his, well no, in a marriage it should be shared equally, as should the chores.

Definitely contact Womens Aid and see a solicitor and CAB, get as much information as you can about getting a divorce.

[SomeonesRealName]

Can you change your mind on the part time arrangement? Some of the best advice I was given when I was living through a similarly abusive situation was don't give up your financial independence or your earning power.
The best cure for your depression I'll wager is getting out of this terrible situation where you have to live with constant cognitive dissonance and all your social and emotional support has been removed from you. Call Women's Aid. Tell your family and friends the truth and ask for help and support - I was amazed how people rallied round who I thought I had burnt bridges with by neglecting the relationships.

[Yoksha]

Since lurking on mumsnet I am becoming increasingly gobsmacked at what some people put up with in a relationship. One quote that circles my brain is one I came across a few days ago. It seems to be succint.

before you diagnose yourself with mental health problems, first check you are not surrounded by twats"

Yes yes to all other advice ^^. Please take care of yourself.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

before you diagnose yourself with mental health problems, first check you are not surrounded by twats"*

Indeed. I note also that he put that seed of doubt into your head.

Why are you and he still together at all?. What do you get out of this?.

Its not you, its him. He is using the usual tactics of abusive behaviours such inadequate men employ against their victims.

His threats are empty ones basically designed to keep you in line. He says all that because he knows what hurts you the most and what buttons to push.

It sounds like he also has a drink problem and is a drunkard; this is yet another good reason to divorce this person.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; surely not this example of one?.

[Pollyputhtekettleon]

Definitely not you. You need to speak to someone and get support.

[mummytime]

It's him!

[DoreenLethal]

It is him and you might find all this depression and hassle lifts once you leave.

[frieda909]

I was stressed and anxious for pretty much the entirety of my 9 year relationship with my ex, who I can now see was emotionally abusive towards me. He was always telling me that I was crazy and a nightmare to be with and that I needed help. I went to the doctor, got put on antidepressants for a while and later tried some counselling but in the end nothing helped, because the reality was that he and his treatment of me were the real source of my unhappiness.

A lot of people say that another person can't make you happy and that happiness comes from within and so on. I believe that's true up to a point, but I also think other people very definitely can make you unhappy. Please please get some help with this awful situation, you deserve so so much better!

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think other people CAN make you happy.
What I always say is that the only persons happiness you are actually responsible for as an adult, is your own and that of dependent children.
And this is a perfect example.
He is making you unhappy, anxious, depressed.
But YOU are responsible for your happiness so what do you need to do?
LEAVE and make yourself happy!
Ignore his ramblings about ruining your career etc..
HOW can he do this?
It's crap.
Any bad mouthing he does once you have left will be seen as the ramblings of a mad man!

I agree, don't go part-time yet.
You may need that income one you get out.

Womens Aid can help you with local contacts and any other support you might need - 0808 2000 247

[BuunyChops]

Nope it's not you.

As for the threat to 'tell' on you…

What's he going to say?

My wife works full time, funds the family on her wages, does all the housework and childcare while I moan and drink.

Mmmm

[sansXsouci]

It's him, his threats are empty as well, you act differently in front of people? That's the best he can do? if he told that to your family they would think he was either mad or horrible. You definitely need to get out of there (or get him out) for your own good and the good of your children.

[SandyY2K]

He's an alcoholic bully who wants to make you feel worthless. Don't threaten to leave - if you're leaving just do it.

Why should you work full time anddo all the housework?

How can he ruin your career?
The mere fact that he even says that shows how selfish and controlling he is.

I suggest you speak to your family and let them know what you've been dealing with in the marriage.