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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

snooping

33 replies

lightsleeper1 · 26/05/2016 21:33

how would you feel if your partner went through your phone....

OP posts:

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MotherOfGlob · 26/05/2016 21:37

I wouldn't be bothered, DP regularly uses my phone for stuff. Suppose it depends why they were going through it?

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Marchate · 26/05/2016 21:47

lightsleeper

Borrowing your phone (as MoG says): permissible
Going through your phone: inexcusable

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Hiddlesnake · 26/05/2016 21:50

Going through my phone would feel like a massive violation of my privacy.
I have no problems showing DH things on my phone or letting him use it (calls, Google etc) but would feel uneasy at snooping.

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Joysmum · 26/05/2016 21:52

Doesn't bother me. He has to periodically as he will surprise me by booking breaks away do needs to make sure I've not got anything planned.

I used to go through his phone in the early days as I'd lost my trust thanks to a previous bad relationship.

Luckily he understood it was him I didn't trust, but my own judgement as I trusted and got burnt before. Doing this I learnt to trust again

If he felt insecure I'd rather he snoop and talk to me about it (he did feel insecure the first time I lost all my weight) so I could reassure.

It's been yonks since those days but snooping made me able to trust again sooner.

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seeyounearertime · 26/05/2016 21:58

It's a weird topic on MN. Some say, as Margate, that snooping is inexcusable. Some say that if you have a suspicion then snooping is absolutely fine and encouraged even.

Personally,i couldn't give a flying shite. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear.

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seeyounearertime · 26/05/2016 21:59

Margate should read Marchate.

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whatsnewsmellycat · 26/05/2016 22:00

My ex used to do it habitually - finding nothing a lot of the time and often getting the wrong end of the stick. I'd be pretty pissed off if DP did it.

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PurpleDaisies · 26/05/2016 22:01

He just wouldn't. I'm totally happy for him to check my emails or messages. If he was snooping because he didn't trust me we'd be in serious trouble.

Why do you ask op?

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Autumnchill · 26/05/2016 22:13

Wouldn't bother me if he asked, photos of cats, dull work text messages, on line banking and emails he could access on house computer. Might feel a bit different if I found him rooting through my bag for it!

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lightsleeper1 · 26/05/2016 22:13

because ive just had an amazing holiday and on the last day caught him going through my phone, i have messages on there from my friends about their relationships and not only has he betrayed my trust he now has read things that are nothing to do with him. Hes insecure as it is but hes pissed me right off that he can be so blaze about looking for something to have a go at me for

OP posts:

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SleepingTiger · 26/05/2016 22:16

Not worried about going through my phone. More worried about the things DP would find though. It would be a complete breach of privacy which would probably cancel out my breach of trust. So pretty neutral really.

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Penfold007 · 26/05/2016 22:23

The circumstances you describe would be a real trust issue for me. H and I are happy to lend each other our phones but we always ask, it's the polite thing to do. How would he take it if you went through his phone?

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Joysmum · 26/05/2016 22:26

Well, I can only once again thank my lucky stars that my DH understood I've never been a bad person and that any irritation he felt was far less than bad place I was in to be like that.

Him reassuring me was most important to him because he understood how fucked I was to do that so he just wanted me to feel better.

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JeanGenie23 · 26/05/2016 22:32

My partner and I both have Apple products and everything syncs so often his texts appear on my iPad, whether I care to read them or not.

I think you have to be careful when looking through somone else's phone, its a real invasion of privacy and not helpful to the relationship. You never know how it will work out for you.

My old boss was very insecure and once she saw a message on her partners phone but it only should the first line of the message which was" don't tell soandso..." she freaked out so unlocked his phone and read the rest of the message which was "don't tell soandso I am going to propose on her birthday" she felt like a right idiot.

Message of the story, don't snoop. Unless you have major suspicions, snooping gets you nowhere!

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Houseworkavoider · 26/05/2016 22:32

My phone is an open book.
My dh, dc and friends know the passcode.
However, if I found Dh snooping, I would be massively hurt.

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HarmlessChap · 27/05/2016 13:15

I wouldn't be hurt but I would be concerned as to why she felt the need to go through my phone and what that said about her feelings of trust towards me.

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hellsbellsmelons · 27/05/2016 15:01

My OH often picks up my phone to look at things, like the internet, if his phone is on charge or something.
But I don't think he'd ever go through my messages.
He might look at who's messaged recently but that would be it.

So what now?
What did you say to him at the time?
What was he hoping to find?
Does he like to find things out and then have a go you about them?

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chilledwarmth · 27/05/2016 15:17

I don't share the code to my phone with people anyway so I doubt it could happen. If it somehow did, it would be a major issue. Trust is very important to me and if you display a lack of it by pulling shit like this, you better have a very good explanation when I ask you.

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TheNaze73 · 27/05/2016 15:24

I think it's wrong personally but, each to their own. The advice banded about on here is just the same. It's either he's a controlling prick if he looks, or gather you're evidence and snoop. Everyone will have a polarised view here

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pouncehill · 27/05/2016 15:42

I wouldn't have a problem with DP looking through my phone. I have nothing to hide.
I suppose people only really mind when they have something to hide

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Razorlightnight · 27/05/2016 15:46

I'm happy for mine to look at my phone for internet or to make a call etc. I'm not happy for him to read what could be personal texts/emails from my friends. He has no right to know about any issues they may be having. So whilst I've got nothing of my own to hide my friends may have plently going on they'd rather him not know about.

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chilledwarmth · 27/05/2016 15:56

pouncehill I really don't have anything to hide but I would be furious if I caught a girlfriend going through my phone. Maybe trust isn't important to you, but it is to me, and if someone violates that trust by doing something like this, they better have a good explanation.

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LobsterQuadrille · 27/05/2016 16:03

I would take a very dim view of it, not because I have anything to hide but because a significant amount of correspondence with my best friends is via text, including their relationship issues, fertility difficulties, dementia/death of parents etc. They're personal messages that I wouldn't want anyone else to read but I don't delete them so I have a record of these feelings. I have a pass code on my phone (that's to protect it from my DD which is another matter altogether).

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HermioneJeanGranger · 27/05/2016 16:07

I suppose people only really mind when they have something to hide

Well, no. I talk to my friends about private issues - if my best friend texts me something personal, she's texting it to ME, not to me and anyone who cares to look through my mobile.

And like PP said, it's about trust. You could argue people only snoop through phones when they don't trust their partner, otherwise why else would they need to?

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PotatoesPastaAndBread · 27/05/2016 16:10

pounce I disagree that it should be OK if I have "nothing to hide"

I have nothing to feel guilty about re: dh, but as OP says, I have messages from friends about personal stuff. I would expect them not to share the gory details of my recent miscarriage with their husbands and they wouldn't want my husband knowing about their post birth incontinence or the difficulties they are having with weight loss and sex.

Private and secret are different things.