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Is this a red flag in the online dating world? I'm new to this.

(43 Posts)
RedFlag101 Thu 26-May-16 15:55:27

I have been talking to a man for 2 weeks, we hit it off straight away, he is the first person I've spoke to since the split from my ex many years ago as I lack in confidence.

We've spoke on the phone, text and have arranged a date for a couple of weeks time.

I must say that I like him and could see it progressing into something for both of us however I am having some reservations lately because of what he has been saying. He asked for my address, we're meeting at the restaurant so there is no reason why he would need my address, I told him that I'm not comfortable giving out my address this early as I don't know him well enough yet and he replied that he is hurt by that.

The other thing is that these last couple of days of speaking he has tried to throw sexual chat into it, asking if I want a picture of him, that he's having dirty thoughts about me and very random questions about my sexual preferences. I stop the talk from going in that direction and he just changes the subject.

Now I like him; personality, looks and sense of humour are perfect however I am sceptical as this is the first time I've spoken to a man online and the first time I've got close to someone else since my EX, I've told him some insecurities I have and he was very lovely and reassuring about those but I don't want to be hurt again so I'm wondering whether I am being too cautious and need to lighten up a bit or if I am right and how I should handle this.

Thank you.

loobyloo1234 Thu 26-May-16 16:01:15

I think you need to listen to your head. Bit early for addresses and if he's throwing in sexual innuendo and references already, my guess is that he may only be after one thing ... ?

Maybe i'm wrong but I would steer clear. Would he be that explicit in real life - if not, why would he think that's ok over a text message before you've even met?

Justmuddlingalong Thu 26-May-16 16:08:52

I don't think he 'sees this as progressing into something for both of you'. He sounds like a sleaze. I'd walk away now.

LyndaNotLinda Thu 26-May-16 16:10:02

Massive red flags.

ALaughAMinute Thu 26-May-16 16:11:01

Asking for your address and telling you he's having dirty thoughts about you before he's even met you are red flags without a doubt. He sounds a creep! Cancel it!

princessmi12 Thu 26-May-16 16:11:39

No,Just No
Men throwing sexual innuendo into conversation before first date has only ONE thing on his mind
And asking for address is just too creepy
Find someone else!

MinkyWinky Thu 26-May-16 16:14:54

If you haven't yet met (I may have misread your post) I would suggest running for the hills.

One of the things I learnt about online dating was not to get too invested in someone before you've met them. They can sound great online and on the phone, but in person is a very different thing. I know it's easy to get carried away (I've been there, done that)!

There are some lovely men on online dating but there are some ones you really need to avoid. Listen to your gut instinct. (By the way, I met my DH via online dating - he was one of the lovely ones! Believe me I met many that I was ready to walk away from after 10 mins!)

princessmi12 Thu 26-May-16 16:16:38

MinkyWinky
100% .

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 26-May-16 16:17:29

This forthcoming date needs to be cancelled forthwith.

You have not even met him yet and yet he has asked you for your address and sexual preferences already. Two massive red flags right there.

You do not really know anything about him either. He comes across as very sleazy.

I would address your own lack of confidence now (did your ex cause this?) before you set foot in the sometimes murky world of online dating again.

GingerIvy Thu 26-May-16 16:27:09

Massive red flags. Don't give him your address. Don't even bother with the date. Ick.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt Thu 26-May-16 16:27:14

The biggest red flag for me, is him telling you he is hurt by you, saying you are not comfortable with giving him it at this stage.

Don't read the relationship boards alot so could be using the wrong word. But that feels like emotional black mail to me, and if he's happy to do that now? What comes later......

HandyWoman Thu 26-May-16 16:28:00

I'd add a third red flag - 'hurt' by the fact you feel uncomfortable giving your address to a complete stranger? That red flag is humongous....

In OLD you need to get into the swing of NOT investing AT ALL...... until you've met, and even then minimal investment is crucial until they demonstrate they are worthy of it.

You're likely to kiss a great number of frogs on OLD before you meet someone worth investing in. This guy, like many others you'll be in contact with, is one you need to run in the other direction from.

Brief explanation cancelling the date ('sorry but I'm not comfortably with how our conversations have progressed'), then delete and block. And don't look back!!

princessmi12 Thu 26-May-16 16:30:11

Also Id like to point out,not all OLD sites are intended for relationships.You might have good genuine intentions for long term relationship,but men go on this sites assuming hook ups only. So no matter how hard you try and how many people you chat,you wont find someone that has similar intentions.
Tinder to be avoided,same as Badoo and POF (latter could have a slim chance of meeting someone decent purely because its huge database of users).

Dangerouswoman Thu 26-May-16 16:37:21

There's no point in you doing the sexual talk before you meet as you might not be attracted to each other on sight and then it's extremely awkward.

He's far too familiar - addresses and sexting? No way. Don't text too much, it's a complete waste of time. And don't overshare either as again, you can feel very stupid if you meet and don't like him.

You'll pick up quickly how to weed out dickheads like this. Definitely do not meet!

TheNaze73 Thu 26-May-16 16:41:23

Think he's being a bit forward, with the sex talk. It's not to everyone's taste and would be a red flag for me. Until you've met a few time, just protect yourself as he's still a random.

Itisbetternow Thu 26-May-16 16:43:09

Also - you are not close to him OP - you don't even know if he is real. He could be a 70 year old hairy biker (no offence intended to anyone) for all you know.

With OD you text a few times, then arrange a date and then hold off texting anymore until you have MET them. By texting constantly you are getting emotionally involved and really over sharing. Do not tell random blokes about your insecurities etc etc at this stage. You meet them a few times first. Good luck

seeyounearertime Thu 26-May-16 16:44:20

It'd be a red flag for me, a big one, with giant writing that reads "Wanker"

HeffalumpHistory Thu 26-May-16 16:44:37

I wouldn't go on the date tbh. Massive red flags to me

Cabrinha Thu 26-May-16 16:50:12

Why have you not met him yet and why is it another few weeks before you do?

You should only date people who are keen as mustard to meet you!
Slow time to first date isn't (IMO) because of something developing - it's because he's not bothered enough (or is only after sex) to meet you sooner.

I could cope with being asked my address if there was a reason - e.g. an offer to pick up for date. I'd decline, but not mind the question. What I would mind is manipulative "I'm hurt" shite.

As for sex talk... I've done it before meeting when I was after more than just sex. Rarely though as I think it sends out the wrong message. I handled it by keeping it light "easy tiger - I never flirt with men I haven't met - did it once, when we met and there was no spark for either of us it was very embarrassing! So keep the smut in check, OK?"
Then I'd block if that had a negative reaction or wasn't respected.

It's very easy to get carried away with the first one.
No sex talk before, public place meeting, and meet quickly before you invest in an idea not a person.

Cabrinha Thu 26-May-16 16:52:20

And YY to not sharing your insecurities with a total stranger!!
Tell a friend.
You don't want a potential date knowing emotional details about you. Even if they're a good person, do not start off with the dynamic that you're insecure / he's reassuring. Awful power imbalance there! And it could attract the wrong sort too.

HotNatured Thu 26-May-16 17:05:45

Eugh he sounds like a disrespectful creep.

Trying to sext you before you've even met - HUGE red flag
Being 'hurt' because you don't want to give him your personal details - MASSIVE red flag

He's a loser. Move on.

Also, you need to slow right down. You haven't even met and you're talking about it progressing and you 'really like him'. You haven't met the guy ! Seriously, slow down and take it all one step at a time.

WannaBe Thu 26-May-16 17:13:12

The hills are that way.. smile.

The man sounds like a creep. The internet is full of them.

Bear in mind that words are easy, and it's very easy to give someone a good impression of who you are online. Equally though anyone who starts with the sex talk before you've even met is showing you who he is. Believe him.

IToldYouIWasFreaky Thu 26-May-16 17:14:15

You're not being too cautious. You don't know this man. He doesn't know you. You're total strangers that have exchanged messages, that's all.

As others have said, it's very easy to overinvest in someone you've never met. You know a little bit, use your imagination to fill in the gaps and boom...you've fallen for someone who doesn't exist (may have done this once or twice myself...blush)

I also agree that it's the "I'm hurt" that's the HUGE red flag. There might have been an innocent reason for asking for your address, like idle curiosity but once you said that you weren't comfortable in giving it out any decent bloke would have said "shit, no, I'm sorry, of course you wouldn't want to give your address to some random bloke of the internet", not tried to make you feel guilty.

Cancel the date with this one. And in future I'd really recommend meeting up as soon as you've established that there's enough of a connection/common ground to think that you might get on. Going into a first date thinking that "this could really go somewhere" is a recipe for heartbreak, if you ask me, as most of the time it doesn't..but that's not necessarily a bad thing! You can meet up with someone, have a perfectly pleasant time but just not click in real life and call it a day after 1 or 2 dates. IME, that's more common than meeting nutters...but you do need to manage expectations either way.

Good luck!

TradGirl Thu 26-May-16 17:24:05

YY with all of the above! Do not share your emotional baggage with a man you haven't even met because it can raise a 'victim' flag for nice guys and act like a magnet for creepy, bullying guys who like vulnerable women. Sorry if that sounds blunt, but it's true sad He's testing the waters with the whole 'I'm so hurt' thing because a decent guy a) wouldn't have asked and then b) would care more about your need to feel safe and secure. He's telling you very clearly that his feelings matter more than his and he's waiting to see if you agree. Walk away from this one and be more circumspect with the next one thanks

Jollyphonics Thu 26-May-16 20:14:24

OP I don't like the sound of him saying he's hurt that you wouldn't give your address, that seems a very odd thing to say.

I've been seeing someone for 2 months who I met on POF. I started chatting to him within 24 hours of joining POF, and we clicked straight away. We texted for a few days - including some very erotic sex chat - and I was completely over-invested by the time we met, imagining he was my ultimate soul-mate! When we met I admit I was slightly disappointed - nothing specific, but really no one could live up to what I'd imagined. But I gave it a chance and now it's going really well. So I broke a few OLD rules but it's all going fine so far.

I'd mainly be worried about the "hurt" remark.

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