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Custody discussions - seeing one child at a time?

(19 Posts)
GoldenOrb Thu 26-May-16 13:29:36

So discussions about custody are in full swing. We can't agree on anything.

I suggested splitting weekends so that each of us have a weekend with one child each month. It would work that we would have 3 weekends a month with a child - eg his weekend, my weekend, 2 weekends where we each have a child. I think this would really benefit the children to have their own time with each parent, as otherwise they won't ever really get this and my eldest in particular really enjoys one to one time with a parent.

H isn't keen, at least not on a regular basis.

Does anyone do this, and how does it work? Do the kids like it? Do you like it? Should I be pushing for it despite his reluctance (which I think is more about him and not what is best for the kids)?

Isetan Thu 26-May-16 13:41:16

Now and again maybe but your H (assuming your H is the NRP) will therefore have little opportunity to interact with his children as siblings. Can't one to one time could happen during the week?

GoldenOrb Thu 26-May-16 13:45:23

He still wants a 50/50 split, which I completely disagree with, so there is as yet no agreement as to whether he is NRP. He would have 1 weekend a month with them both and at least 1 night during the week with them both. I wanted to try and keep everything during the week as easy as possible so it doesn't make transition with school hard.

SoupDragon Thu 26-May-16 13:48:10

I would hate that kind of arrangement and would not agree to it.

My DC go to their father's EOW and out for dinner once week. School holidays are more flexible.

AgeOfEarthquakes Thu 26-May-16 13:48:35

We do this ocassionally if, for example, one child has an activity that can't be easily accommodated by her dad (NRP) but I wouldn't ever do it as a regular long-term thing. It just feels wrong to me to split my DCs up. They love spending time with each other at weekends. And won't your ex miss it on seeing his kids together, as siblings? He'd hardly ever have that so I can absolutely see why he's not keen.

The arrangement you're proposing seems needlessly complicated TBH. Is there any reason you can't do the standard EOW with both kids plus one overnight a week?

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 26-May-16 13:50:12

Depending on children's ages could you discuss with them somehow? I don't know if that is damaging/too much pressure though..

AgeOfEarthquakes Thu 26-May-16 13:55:43

Can I ask why you are against a 50/50 split?

GoldenOrb Thu 26-May-16 13:56:16

earthquakes he refuses one night in the week and EOW.

He currently wants him 2 nights, me 2 nights, and EOW Fri - Sun, with 1 weekend in 4 being a "long" weekend so from Fri until Wed.

I won't agree to that.

I feel that the kids would benefit from having one to one time. My eldest is particularly sensitive (probably on the ASD spectrum) and he opens up really well when it is just him and the parent. With other kids around he is more difficult to engage and I think his needs would be better met with some dedicated one to one time.

GoldenOrb Thu 26-May-16 14:05:14

earthquakes I'm against 50/50 because it is so spectacularly different to the balance we have at the moment, and I don't think it is right for the children to have such a huge change when it is going to be a change enough for their parents to be splitting up.

Herald Thu 26-May-16 14:18:17

We have a 50/50 split and it works very well, my Dd slotted into the routine very easily and both my exw and myself get lots of quality time with her combined with lots of 'me' time for other things ...

GoldenOrb Thu 26-May-16 14:22:22

herald how does your split work in terms of days with each parent?

Herald Thu 26-May-16 14:26:53

It sounds complicated at first but it works ...lets start with a Monday I collect her from school and have her until I drop her at school Wednesday morning....her mum collects her Wednesday after school and keeps her until Friday morning, I then collect her from school again on Friday and keep her all weekend taking her to school on Monday morning ...her mum then pics her up Monday after school and the cycle starts again with me having a free weekend ....blimey that sounds complicated and I do need to keep my eye on my work calendar but it does work for us .

GoldenOrb Thu 26-May-16 15:00:34

herald thanks for that. How old is your dd?

MummyBex1985 Thu 26-May-16 15:22:17

My DHs exW (NRP) can't cope with all three kids at once so she rarely has them all and sees each of them once a week. It's odd if you ask me - siblings should be kept together.

Herald Thu 26-May-16 15:33:08

She is 11 and we have been doing it for 3 years...

ChaChaChaCh4nges Thu 26-May-16 15:36:29

Herald - that's exactly the arrangement that STBXH and I have all but agreed - glad to hear that it's working well for you. Our (excellent) mediator says that it's viewed by childcare experts as the optimal way of arranging 50:50.

GoldenOrb Thu 26-May-16 15:53:50

herald I don't think that would work for us because of both mine and my husband's work. Work couldn't be flexible enough for us to work different shifts on different weeks.

Herald Thu 26-May-16 16:13:59

Cha cha ...yes it works well my exw came up with the idea I am not sure where she got it from , the longest I don't get to see her is every other weekend from Friday morning to Monday night ( but we do communicate via text etc) this gives me time to do some things for myself ...

Golden orb I understand that I work flexi time so do longer days when I don't have Dd and the exw works part time , hope you sort out a good compromise and don't forget some time for yourself .

nephrofox Thu 26-May-16 22:26:26

Herald that sounds like a really nice system. I presume you all live quite close and she has all clothes etc at each house?

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