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Need help to forgive and forget

(4 Posts)
youmakeiteasy Thu 26-May-16 12:12:04

Im really interested to hear from about people's experience with forgiving.

With amazing support from MN I'm in the process of ending my marriage. My mum has been a great help the last few days. I'm so grateful but I have some mixed feelings.

I feel bad because in learning about my relationship problems she has been apologising for my childhood. She has worked very hard on her own mental health to deal with her "demons" about that time. I have no wish to drag her back to that. No useful purpose is served by raking over it. But yet I hinted at it in conversation which was so unfair. She has tried so hard since to make things up. I have tried to tell her it's OK before and did again now. She needs peace.

But there's no denying the behaviours learnt in my childhood and the experiences have shaped my adult life. In summary there was a lot of physical violence between parents, and from both to the children. Not typical corporal punishment. As well as other stressful situations

I love my mum a lot and I am in no doubt how much she loves me. I thought I'd forgiven a long time ago. But there is a niggling question about how you treat people you love in that way. Everyone seems so adamant that people who behave like this don't change. But my mum has completely. She is an amazing person. She would do anything to undo the past.

I guess I need to accept that change. Has anyone been through similar and found a way to let go of these thoughts altogether? I want to be able to forgive and not hold on to unhealthy thoughts. I think they are getting mixed up with my feelings about DH. I think it would help me accept her support now. I think she deserves it.

springydaffs Thu 26-May-16 12:52:02

It's probably not much help to say I dearly wish my parents sincerely apologised for my childhood. But you're in a half glass full situation.

Have you had any therapy about the past? That will help to let out your intense anger and disappointment at what was dealt out to you. Those feelings are there and it doesn't do a lot of good to quash them IMO - but you can't let them out in the normal way in directly to your mum.

Or maybe you can. That would be ideal. But I doubt she would be able to take it because she sounds like a fragile sort.

youmakeiteasy Thu 26-May-16 13:18:55

You are so right Springy. I am lucky she feels as she does and is the way she us now. That's why I feel bad for making her think about it. Sorry to not be seeming "half full".

And yes therapy would help. I'm going to be racking up a big therapy bill shortly!

youmakeiteasy Mon 20-Jun-16 23:06:37

I posted this weeks ago. Ive name changed several times since. My thoughts have been lingering on this issue again. About how a person can both love someone and hurt them. About how people can change.
I wonder whether hurting them is about the place a person is at rather than their feelings for that person.
And yes, therapy underway but it's on my mind tonight and I'm a bit of an insomniac who goes from one issue to the next right now.

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