When new BF sees DCs every weekend

[funnychops]

So I'm a bit stumped on a solution to this. Or even if there is one.

My DCs see their DF every other weekend.

I've started seeing this lovely guy.

He has DCs every weekend.

So far we've had daytime dates, which have been lovely, we are both keen on each other.

However we are now at the stage where we'd like to have an evening in with him, which ideally would last until the next day.

The problem is how do we get around this dilemma, I don't want to put pressure for him to give up contact time, kids need time with their dad's.

One good thing is we are both self-employed and work from home and live 10 mins drive from each other, so day time dates are easy to arrange.

Anyone else in this situation? And how do you work it?

[MrsBertBibby]

What about week nights?

[funnychops]

I have my DCs bert

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

How old are your kids and his kids? Do you have in-laws who would love their grandkids to stay over for the night?

You see your kids a lot more than he sees his. You're right you shouldn't be putting pressure on him to give up his contact time - I think as you see your kids more than he does, if anyone has to "give up" some time first I think it ought to be you.

[tigermoll]

Well, the obvious solution is that your BF gets a babysitter for one of the nights when your children are at their father's, and comes and spends the night with you.

There really isn't another option, as all the others are either way too soon (You introduce each other to your kids and expect them to be OK with overnight guests), or like something out of a bad farce (your BF sneaks you into the house after the kids have gone to sleep and you creep out in the morning before they awake).

Since you both work from home, could you see each other for sex in the daytime? Or is it more about the intimacy of falling asleep together and waking up together?

[SandyY2K]

How long has it been - your relationship I mean?

I'm suprised his exP doesn't want some free weekends, but if she has them during the week then that arrangement probably works for them. EOW really isn't much time with your kids, so it's great that he sees his kids more often than that.

If he really wants to have an overnight with you then in time he'll figure out a solution if it can only be on a weekend. Although it will take a bit of planning.

[Dangerouswoman]

I've found dating post-divorce impossible as I have my dc in the week and most guys I've met seem to have their dcs on the weekend. If you both work full-time as well, it's a non-starter.

I would make the most of your daytime dates .

[Joysmum]

You have your kids more so why can't you be the one getting a babysitter so you can see him on weekday evenings?

I'm not sure why you'd not do this instead of expecting him to be the flexible one?

[SandyY2K]

Well, the obvious solution is that your BF gets a babysitter for one of the nights when your children are at their father's, and comes and spends the night with you

I'm not sure about anyone else, but as a mum I'd much rather the kids stayed with me and not a babysitter if my Ex couldn't be with them overnight. Unless it was the kids grandparents or another trusted family member of his.

Some divorce agreements state that the other parent has first refusal if the other can't fulfill their visitation time, although this probably doesn't apply in this case.

[funnychops]

Did I give the impression that I was not prepared to be flexible? Sorry if I did but that's not the case. I can be as flexible and come to compromises, of course I can. I'm trying to workout a viable solution to a nice evening, overnight, wake up together, have breakfast etc. But maybe there isn't one.

Weekday nights/overnights is all well and good (if I can find overnight childcare - not easy as DP's live 200 miles away), but there is still the school run in the morning, rushing around etc, not quite the same. I have 2 evenings and days every other weekend when I am free.

Its early days, which is why its so tricky, if and when the DC's are introduced (I'd not want this for months along the line) then its far easier. So maybe like PP say make the most of the daytime dates until we get further down the line....if it gets to that. I love that overnight thing though, and waking up together.

I'm not sure either why his ex doesn't have weekend time with her DC's but he wants to see them as much as possible, and she has them some of the week (he has some week nights too, so its pretty much 50/50), I'd miss weekend time with my DC's if I was her too, but this set up seems to work for them all, which is fair enough.

[lookatmenow]

School holidays (which are approx every 6wks) can't it be mixed a bit then? He has the kids in the week and they go to mum for the weekend? Or your kids go to their dads midweek/ long weekend visit and he comes to yours when they're not there?

[funnychops]

Thanks Lookatme but my ex won't have them during the week (totally inflexible unfortunately), and if he (BF) has his kids in the week during school holidays, he wouldn't think he'd be able to get his work done (he has to meet clients etc).

Dating was so much simpler when we were in our 20's

[lookatmenow]

But that's why we all have annual leave. He comes to yours in the day for a bit of the other, not seeing clients then!!!

Sometimes I despair at people who say there partners are inflexible, you don't ask you tell..... I need you to help look after YOUR kids in the school holidays, can you have them a day earlier in your weekend etc, take a days annual leave please otherwise you won't see them that weekend as something has gone up and if you don't have them then they'll be with me all weekend. Thanks
Or words to that effect

[funnychops]

Yes I know lookatme 'coming over to me for a bit of the other' (which incidentally he hasn't, we've met for a a few 3 hour dates for lunch, coffee, etc). Is hardly the same as looking after DC's for a whole day and night during the holidays. Yes we have annual leave (actually sometimes people choose not to if they are self employed) but no doubt this is the time for going on holiday with respective DC's, that's what I'll be doing and I'll expect he'll want to do the same.
Ex husband has my DC's every other weekend, and 2 x 1 weeks extra in summer holidays, this is what we have agreed. (yes I can see BF during these weeks, which is good, but only 2 weeks a year, so not regular) Ex was never flexible and work was priority during the marriage, I've got a cat in hells chance of him taking time off to be flexible for my convenience now!

[MrsBertBibby]

It's not OK to withhold contact to force the other parent to do what you want, FFS.

OP, would the dad help if he knew why? Wouldn't he prefer you to take your time over introducing a new man?

[funnychops]

Thanks Bert.....the dad would help me all the less if he knew why!!. He was EA, and tries to continue the abuse at every single turn. I have NC apart from any changes to regular contact schedule.

[NickiFury]

Sometimes I despair at people who say there partners are inflexible, you don't ask you tell.....

Nonsense there are some people more than you might imagine who go through life doing whatever they want and absolutely will not change a thing to accommodate anyone. I was married to a man like this. I could make demands if I wanted but he just wouldn't turn up or he'd make it difficult or he would be late or he'd call and pick an fight just before. He was a massive bully too so I was scared to ask anyway.

Think outside your own little box.

[funnychops]

YY Nicki - that's my ex all over, I prefer NC and not have to put up with the hassle of the fallout of me asking him to be considerate or accommodating.

[MrsBertBibby]

My dear, I've been a family solicitor for 20 years with a specialism in domestic abuse, so I have more experience than most people of the extraordinary range of shitty behaviours people engage in. Including treating their children's relationship with their father (however arsey he may be) as a tool and a weapon.

[NickiFury]

Including treating their children's relationship with their father (however arsey he may be) as a tool and a weapon.

but no one is doing that here.

[TheLittleRedHen]

Book a day off work together?

[funnychops]

Nope....can't see anyone here doing that either, Nicki nor would I.
As I've said upthread, children need their time with their dads and I wouldn't interfere with that, in respect of either my own DC's or BF's DC's

[MrsBertBibby]

No indeed, OP is behaving very properly, and hats off to her.

You, on the other hand, seem to advocate some appalling behaviour.

[NickiFury]

Um, where exactly?

Are you confusing me with someone else perhaps?

[funnychops]

Thanks Redhen - we both work from home (self employed) so that's very convenient but its specifically the night time, falling asleep and waking up together I'm (and hopefully him!) are craving. Maybe I'm just being spoilt and should be happy with the daytime dates for now.

[funnychops]

Bert you are getting confused it wasn't Nicki it was Lookatme who suggested with holding contact to get him to do as I ask.