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Couples counselling after infidelity?

(14 Posts)
Gypsiestar Thu 26-May-16 05:16:18

Has anyone tried this and had success?

He says that he loves me and it was a mistake. I don't know if I can move past it (feel doubly betrayed as I would have said she was a close friend before this happened) but am also finding it very hard being apart from him (which is crazy considering what he did). Would anyone say it is worth it or did it just drag out the inevitable?

SomeonesRealName Thu 26-May-16 05:37:52

I didn't try couple's counselling and I hope someone will be along soon who can help more. In the meantime have you been to www.chumplady.com? Plenty have tried it on there but I think it's fair to say don't recommend it. Really sorry to hear about the double betrayal. It's shitty I know x

janaus Thu 26-May-16 07:45:18

So sorry this has happened to you. Haven't tried couples counselling. Both having individual counselling. 10 months on and it's still heart breaking. An emotional roller coaster.

SandyY2K Thu 26-May-16 07:55:09

It can help, but saying it was a mistake is what most of them say. How long was the affair? A mistake might be a ONS where one gets overly carried away or is extremely drunk, but an affair over weeks or months or years isn't really a mistake. It's a concious decision to cheat again and again and deceive your spouse.

I highly recommend you get support from a place called
Survivinginfidelity.com

It's a great place with friendly support from other betrayed spouses who know exactly what you're going through.
They have many betrayed spouses who've had double betrayals like you have.

Cheaters tend to lie and often the affair doesn't end when they say it does. They go deep underground or go LC or NC (low contact and no contact) for a while.

spottytable Thu 26-May-16 08:08:48

Me and exH tried this. It never worked for us; whether that was just because we weren't meant to be or because the therapist was absolutely shite (how does what colour of stone would you be have any bearing on an affair??? Ffs).

My advice, if you feel you need counselling, please do your research on your therapist
Before wasting your money.

Gypsiestar Thu 26-May-16 08:28:33

They were two weeks into the physical side of it when I found out (from what I saw of the messages sex happened 2 or 3 times). Had been suspicious of the amount of messaging for about two months beforehand but ignored it as we are all in a close group of friends. He had been so grumpy with me that I finally decided to look at messages when he was out running and found it all.

During those two months things hasn't been rosy as we found out my father was terminally ill. But I needed him to emotionally support me, not go off and find someone else who was giving him support apparently.

Also has been absolutely horrendous finding out that she was only giving me faux concern and was really after him the whole time. I truly thought she was my friend but it turns out definitely not after what she said to him about me.

EdWest Thu 26-May-16 08:44:43

I went to couples counselling after cheating on my wife 15 years ago. It was a ONS but I'm not trying to minimise it, it was the worst thing I've ever done. The counselling kind of worked & didn't work.

It really helped to have an appointment once a week at which all the issues got discussed, because it sort of sucked the poison out of the rest of the week. Knowing we had Wednesday afternoons meant we could cope better with the rest of life, work, bringing up 3 DCs.

But it didn't resolve our conflicts, we did that ourselves. The counsellor kept talking about our needs, physical & emotional, but I wasn't happy with that, seeing as the whole reason we were there was that I'd gone off and satisfied a need with someone else. I told the counsellor this, but she just kept on. I think I know why she took that approach, but it was pissing my wife off hugely and eventually she stormed out & I don't blame her. We used to have massive talks in the car after the counselling sessions, and these were far more useful. Tbh we rather united against the counsellor, which seems ungrateful but it helped, paradoxically, the sessions were a catalyst for the real hard talk we had to do.

I believe cheaters fall into two categories, fools & bastards. I was an almighty fool, couldn't see what was happening (person I cheated with was an old friend in trouble, getting divorced, I fell for the whole rescue scenario), my wife could but I wouldn't listen. Others plan their cheating, do all the lying and hiding you have to do to keep an affair secret.

I'm so sorry your OH has done this to you, it stinks. All I can say is, we survived but oh my god it took so much honesty and effort. What I realised after a few weeks was, I needed to be punished. There wasn't much point banging on about WHY it happened - I remember my wife raging at me because I was handling the aftermath of it worse than she was. My 'job' at that point was to shape up, try to be the best husband I could be and do a ton of work on the house.

EdWest Thu 26-May-16 08:59:04

No further contact with the ex-friend for him. 100% ban, no buts. You can't begin to repair things if he's still communicating with her.

SandyY2K Thu 26-May-16 09:13:40

Counsellors usually get you to figure out your own solutions in order that you are accountable for them. I think trying to ensure your needs within the marriage are met is a way of making sure you don't go elsewhere and are satisfied within the marriage.

It's not to say one spouse is to blame either, because if you don't communicate a need how would the other person know.

Look for a counsellor who has a lot of experience with infidelity. That way they should make the WS own 100% of the blame for the affair and not try and aportion blame. A BS can sometimes be partially responsible for the state of the marriage before the affair, but that's never an excuse to cheat and betray that crucial trust.

I'm sorry your friend turned out to be a skank OP. Some people just don't have any morals in life to do such a thing.

mutantninja Thu 26-May-16 09:59:50

Sorry to hear your story, OP, it's an incredibly tough thing to go thorough and you are likely still in shock. I am a few months into counselling and it is really helping. I don't think we'd still be together if we hadn't gone and found the tools to communicate to each other. Initially I was there only because I felt I owed it to our DS to try to keep the family together. Now it's because I want to find a way to build a new relationship. DH has put everything he has into making it work, which is the only reason I think we've been able to make progress. Still no guarantee we'll be ok but if you both REALLY want to try it could be a way to see if it's possible.

IrianOfW Thu 26-May-16 11:10:04

We did. I don't know why it helped but it did. Maybe the simple fact that it was an hour once a fortnight when we had nothing to focus on but our relationship really made the difference, The counsellor quickly identified that our main problems were down to our family dynamics and addressed that too. DH felt pushed out - and he was but not deliberately but by a series of choices he had made and my responses to them. I stepped in to his shoes whenever I felt that he was lacking. That was something that I guess we were both aware of but hasn't had the courage to address head on.

I wouldn't do it too soon though. I had IC first - a few months after dday - but we didn't start MC for nearly a year. If we had gone too early it would have just been me crying and shouting and H looking miserable.

Gypsiestar Thu 26-May-16 11:26:20

Thank you all for your advice. I think it may be too soon as still very raw, will have to think very hard about if I want to make things work or not. We had recently bought a house and were planning children (thank goodness I'm not pregnant right now!) so i think the shock has been compounded by losing a lot of things I thought I was going to have soon sad

SomeonesRealName Fri 27-May-16 07:44:25

Embarking on an affair while in the first blush of setting up home together and planning children is not a good sign you have a unicorn who won't stray again OP. Ask me how I know.

TheStoic Fri 27-May-16 10:59:23

If you decide to go ahead with counselling, do some homework. Before you choose a counsellor, call them or email them to find out their experience in dealing with infidelity.

A bad counsellor can be worse than no counsellor, when it comes to infidelity.

But a good one can be worth their weight in gold.

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