Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

why is he doing this?

(27 Posts)
Thememorysnearlyfull Wed 25-May-16 23:20:43

Long story short, I left my XH 18 months ago for being EA (controlling, financial, sexual, write a list - he would have ticked most boxes) He denies to this day that he did anything wrong and thinks equality is a load of feminist bollocks. When I left he continued to live in the marital home, the children and I are in a small rented housing association place.

The marital home is about to be sold and by the time the mortgage and estate agent are paid there will be nothing left, if the sale fails the house will be repossessed as he has allowed the mortgage to fall into arrears. (at the stage of mortgage company have delayed issuing court proceedings to allow sale to proceed.)

Tonight I've had him on the phone, he wants meet and discuss the content of the house and monies he feels I should pay him. More specifically when I left I took a few clothes, a few childrens toys, the family camera (that he doesn't know how to use) and some reasonably expensive equipment relevant to my hobby - stuff he had already tried to force me to sell as he told me that my hobby was now the children. I also took my jewellery. He is demanding I bring everything I took back to the (his) house so we can look at what we do with it all. Previously he's tried to demand money toward his living expenses for the time he's been living alone in the family home, his attitude is that I am half liable as its our house, he's not had a penny from me - I don't have anything. He is now saying we need to discuss removal costs, storage etc. (I'm guessing this is removal costs to take what he wants to keep to wherever he is moving to) He also says we need to hire a cleaner to clean the house once its empty.

HeddaGarbled Wed 25-May-16 23:27:01

Don't meet him, don't give him any money, don't discuss. It would be better if you didn't answer his phone calls but if you have to, because you need to discuss child contact arrangements, for example, just say "I don't have any money" and keep saying it.

He's doing it because he's abusive.

Is he working? Are you claiming CM?

travellinglighter Wed 25-May-16 23:27:12

Wow, he sounds lovely.

Tell him you'd love to meet up, bring his cheque book so he can pay his maintenance arrears and ask him how many days a week he's going to have the children?

Oddsocksgalore Wed 25-May-16 23:29:55

Do not meet him op and give him nothing!

He is still trying to abuse you.

queenofthepirates Wed 25-May-16 23:42:09

More to the point, why are you engaging with him? Get him out of your head, you deserve better my love xx

Froginapan Wed 25-May-16 23:46:37

The only thing you need to discuss with this man is child arrangements.

And only communicate via text/email.

If it's possible you could always have a nominated trusted person receive his drivel: they can then weed out the abusive, extraneous bollocks and just pass on the relevant info to you.

Hidingtonothing Thu 26-May-16 00:06:05

Agree with PP's, don't respond, don't engage at all, this is his last ditch attempt to exert some control over you. Where are you in terms of your divorce? Might be worth running his material demands past your solicitor but I doubt he has a leg to stand on as the items you took sound like your personal possessions rather than 'marital assets'. Definitely don't meet him though, even if there does need to be a discussion about the division of possessions there's no reason it can't be done via the solicitors. As for the house needing cleaning I would think if the mortgage company are aware you no longer live there the responsibility for the condition of the house lies squarely in his shoulders and as for his moving costs it's laughable that he thinks you should contribute! Honestly it just sounds like an exercise in him trying to drag you back under some kind of control, don't let him flowers

springydaffs Thu 26-May-16 00:43:22

Does he want you to wipe his arse for him, too?

He's having a laugh. Don't have anything to do with him except absolute basics Eg issues around the children.

SandyY2K Thu 26-May-16 00:48:51

He still wants to control you. Can't believe you got the courage to get away from him and knows deep down he's abusive, but him and others would never admit to it.

Congratulations on escaping.

Has he contributed to your flat?
Been paying CS?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 26-May-16 01:37:54

Have you stopped rofl yet, OP? Where did you find this particular controlling gobshite prince among men so that others can avoid rush to the spot?

I suggest you frame your reply using travellinglighter's words and add that you'll contribute a bottle of Flash so that he can clean up his own shit the house that he's been living in.

Lilacpink40 Thu 26-May-16 01:52:31

So sorry for you as this sounds horrendous. My STBXH was a two-timing controlling baby but at least wants DCs to have stable home (couldn't care less about me). I moved some of the savings and his solicitor wanted them back. I've kept them but we're at final settlement so I may need to pay back, but your items sound more like personal possessions so probably not included in a settlement and I would keep hold of.

TaintForTheLikesOfWe Thu 26-May-16 02:56:14

No no no, do not meet him. He no longer gets to tell you what to do. That is why you got out. Say nothing, do nothing. Removal costs my arse! Let him sell the lot. Welcome to your lovely new life. Well done for getting away from this prize knob!

HarmlessChap Thu 26-May-16 13:10:51

What an unpleasant man!

However I'll try to be totally dispassionate and look at how this might play out.

- The expensive hobby items may be seen as jointly owned items, there were bought while you were a couple and if they were mostly used by him you might be feeling that you had contributed to them and that you would be entitled to some of their value.

- Expenses relating to the sale of the house would generally be a shared cost. That would be things such as any professional fees, boiler servicing, repairs, a cleaner, storage of items pending disposal and/or the cost of clearing unwanted items. But he's deluded if he thinks that would extend to the cost of him moving his stuff to where he's going to live.

- When one party leaves the dwelling you have a joint mortgage on, it doesn't remove you from the liability and you should both continue to pay towards at least the interest element of that mortgage. This should apply whether its the husband or wife who leaves. So to say he has allowed the mortgage to fall into arrears isn't really accurate. The lender will not see it that way and if the sale does fold and the house is re-possessed additional costs will be added, the house will be sold for what they can get within a reasonably short period of time and it will be unlikely to cover the outstanding (higher) debt. The lender will then go after both of you to recover the remainder of that debt, which ultimately could end up with a seizure of assets from both or either of you.

Its probably worth trying to deal with everything at arms length through solicitors rather than directly as he sounds vile.

Good luck.

Littleladylumps Thu 26-May-16 16:15:44

He sounds very delusional! Does he want the kids shoes back? Your wedding rings? Reimbursement for any milk he may have brought?
I would tell him politely to get bent!
Stay strong flowers

Iamdobby63 Thu 26-May-16 18:00:30

Agree with everyone else, don't meet him and agree to nothing. Direct him to your solicitor.

pocketsaviour Thu 26-May-16 18:22:33

What advice has your solicitor given about financial arrangements?

Offred Thu 26-May-16 21:51:53

Fucking hell. Just ignore. Don't meet, don't agree to anything.

I would be sorely tempted to respond "oh but the house/money stuff is your hobby now"

Offred Thu 26-May-16 21:53:29

Who owns the house btw - joint names?

AnyFucker Thu 26-May-16 21:54:54

Why are you engaging with him ?


SleepingTiger Thu 26-May-16 22:09:40

Is this for real?

He wants you to pay for his lighting, heating, costs to hire a van to remove his possessions and for a cleaner to clean a house that nobody cares about? These things are irrelevant so why are you making them so?

Move on.

SleepingTiger Thu 26-May-16 22:10:06

Fuck me, what a mouse.

Thememorysnearlyfull Thu 26-May-16 22:40:46

Thanks all.

Not got a solicitor, have got one for potential divorce paid by legal aid but can't advise unless within divorce proceedings, off record he suggested telling him to sod off!

Yes, house in joint names.

Thememorysnearlyfull Thu 26-May-16 22:45:13

Sleeping tiger if you're going to be so fucking rude and call me a mouse when I've posted for an opinion then why bother posting. I've put up with his shit for far too long, long enough that I still question what is or is not fair.

Offred Fri 27-May-16 09:29:45

Then simply respond 'we will deal with the separation of finances in the divorce' or just don't respond at all.

Offred Fri 27-May-16 09:35:21

and ask him where the rent is for the time he spent living in the jointly owned family home

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now