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Stressed with crap relationship / abuse

(36 Posts)
Stressedandconfusedinmay Wed 25-May-16 10:34:16

Hi everyone,

I would like some external advice.

I have been with my partner for 5yrs with a break of about 10months. I broke up with him before because he was really difficult to deal with, he would get angry all the time. Go out drinking loads, we had massive arguments he threw my handbag out of the house would storm out at all hours to go drinking to avoid me. He hit me once 5yrs ago. He wasn't that focused on his career and smoked weed casually which I think was making him behave this way. We had loads of good times too but one day I just had enough. He would do silent treatment after arguments and ignore me for maybe 5 days then want everything to go back to normal.

Since we got back together everything was fine he has changed except he kept blaming me for breaking up with him and dumping him like a dog. I said that me disappearing wasn't the best way to break up but he has to take responsibility for his behaviour. He sleeps in a lot when he is not working so I don't feel we spend that much time together. On Saturday he stayed out at his friends because the football was on then on Sunday was too tired for us to go out and spend time together. He does this maybe twice a month. If I try and disturb him when he is tierd he gets really nasty and tells Me to F off.

Yesterday he made some comments in the morning about me being like all other women. He left for work in a huff. I txt him saying I don't feel that we wants to be with me and he's upsetting me and he didn't reply. When he got home from work I tried to talk to him and he said he wanted to talk tomorrow. I said I need to talk now as I had been stressed all day. It's never the right time to talk. He then stormed out and came back at 4am. I'm not sure what the next best thing is to do, try and talk to him or weather I just should give up now ? I love him a lot he can be really kind and caring and he wants us to start a family but I feel the communication issues are still there and it's hard work.

Madlizzy Wed 25-May-16 10:50:24

Give up, you can do much better. He's not a good man.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 25-May-16 11:04:58

And why are you with him?
Seriously, what does he bring to the relationship?
You gave him another chance and he's blown it. Again and again and again.
Why? Because he has no consequences.
You let him walk all over you. I wonder why?
What did YOU learn about relationships growing up?
Because this is NOT normal.

I'm not sure what the next best thing is to do
Yeah you do. For your own sanity and for a happy and peaceful life with a man who respects and loves you ALL THE TIME!
Not just when it suits him to keep you in line!

Once he is out of your life. please please please contact Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
Your boundaries are way off. You can't seem to spot red flags and you really need this for any future relationships or you will keep repeating what you are doing now!

I like this phrase:-
The more chances you give someone
The less respect they’ll start to have for you.
They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set
Because they’ll know another chance will always be given.
They’re not afraid to lose you because
They know, no matter what, you won’t walk away.
They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness.
Never let a person get comfortable disrespecting you!

Stressedandconfusedinmay Wed 25-May-16 12:38:15

You are right, I have let him disrespect me.

I tried to speak to him this morning and he exploded called me a fucking prick, punched a wall and then told me to leave and never come back. Do you think he's using weed again? It's not normal behaviour.

MrsBertBibby Wed 25-May-16 12:46:28

Does it matter if he's using weed? He punched the wall to scare you. It'll be your face next.

Get out before you get pregnant, and be grateful you dodged a bullet.

bumpingalong9386 Wed 25-May-16 13:09:58

I don't think it matters whether he is using weed again or not.

His behaviour is disgusting and you can do much better. I know it's "easier said than done" when it comes to leaving but he sounds like a nasty piece of work and you would be much happier away from him.

You have already left once! Do it again and this time don't go back.

Jan45 Wed 25-May-16 13:13:56

Get rid of him and then you will get rid of your stress, he treats you appallingly so stop hanging on for half a man cos that's all he is, if even that.

Stressedandconfusedinmay Wed 25-May-16 13:19:52

He's been really nice to other ex girlfriends I feel like shit being the one treated like a doormat. I do feel really let down and like a mug for going back the second time but I really love him.

Ingray Wed 25-May-16 13:21:06

Cut your losses now. You're wasting your life with him, childbearing years don't last for ever and it would be madness to have a baby with this bully.

Start thinking clearly and see him for what he really is.

Ingray Wed 25-May-16 13:23:48

The clue about his ex girlfriends is in the ex.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 25-May-16 13:42:49

but I really love him
What do you 'really' love about him?
I think if you look deep inside you'll find you love what you 'thought' was him.
The reality is he's an abusive asshole who has no respect for your what-so-ever.
Who gives a shiney shite if he's smoking weed again (and yes, he probably is).
Get away - in fact - run away.

THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jan45 Wed 25-May-16 13:44:58

And I've never seen anyone smoking weed get aggressive.

nicenewdusters Wed 25-May-16 14:28:14

You won't be giving up, you'll be waking up.

He sounds horrible. Why would you feel love for a man who tells you to f**k o** ?

Whatever you do, don't have a child with this nasty creep. If he hit you at the beginning of your relationship, what sort of father do you think he'll be?

hellsbellsmelons Wed 25-May-16 14:54:06

And I've never seen anyone smoking weed get aggressive
But it happens all the time.
We see it on here nearly every day.
'My DH has really changed. blah blah blah'
And then it turns out he is addicted to weed.
I've seen it happen to a lovely bloke. Turned him into a nasty vile bully.
My friend got away from him thank goodness.
Now he's off of it again, he is a far nicer human being!

Kenduskeag Wed 25-May-16 15:04:34

Social services do not look kindly upon mothers who keep their children in the homes of violent men 'because I love him'. Starting a family with this creature is simply unthinkable. What possible role model would he be for your sons? Your daughters?

He'll damage all he touches.

Get out. If you're wondering if he's 'just a bit iffy', no, no he's not. Your experiences are far outside the realm of normal relationships.

I doubt he was 'nice' to ex-girlfriends. I expect if you sat them all down in a nice, private room and they did not fear his retaliation, they'd share the same story with you.

Don't text him, don't phone him. Stop blaming weed; yes, it turns people to shit but I feel you're trying to convince yourself that without weed there's a lovely prince under there. There isn't.

Please keep yourself safe. Go, don't look back, and consider getting his number blocked so you're not tempted to engage in text wars with him (24 hours from now he'll be all 'so sorry', then he'll bring out the 'I'll kill myselfs', and then he'll go quiet.)

KinkyAfro Wed 25-May-16 15:06:31

Can't believe you're actually asking the question.

How would you feel if you had kids with him and he spoke to you like that in front of them, or punched you or one of them.

The relationship is shit, you need to get out now

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 25-May-16 15:17:37

"he exploded called me a fucking prick, punched a wall and then told me to leave and never come back. Do you think he's using weed again? It's not normal behaviour."

It's normal behaviour for an abuser.

Stressedandconfusedinmay Wed 25-May-16 15:50:53

I wouldn't want any children to see this kind of behaviour. I don't know why I love him, when he is nice and calm he's great. He is really supportive. But the abuse is not acceptable, I actually think he thinks it's ok to act like this because "I have pissed him off". I rarely get an apology for being shouted at. I have blocked him but he will expect me to come begging.

RiceCrispieTreats Wed 25-May-16 15:59:23

Yes, a big part of the abuser mentality is the refusal to take responsibility for their own actions. "It's your fault, you made me do it!" is part of the script.

It's very damaging.

nicenewdusters Wed 25-May-16 16:04:31

Let him expect you to come begging. You expected him to be a reasonable human being, but he couldn't manage that.

I'm sure he has a million reasons as to why he thinks he can behave as he does. None of them are acceptable, and you don't have to listen to or accept any of them.

princessmi12 Wed 25-May-16 16:11:11

Calling you names such as fucking prick is disrespectful and abusive.
Being violent around you is a step away from violence towards you.
Just be thankful you don't have children with him.Trust me,it WILL get worse once children on the scene.
Accept you tried so many times and there has to be a finish line.Realise he WILL NEVER change.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 25-May-16 16:32:26

Of course abusers are nice some of time, even a lot of the time.
How else do they draw you and then keep you there?
But it's a cycle and unfortunately a cycle that never ends (which is no doubt why it is called a cycle!)
But as an analogy, If someone offered you a cup of shit, would you drink it?
So if someone offered you a cup of tea with only 10% shit in it, would you drink it????

Fireman5 Wed 25-May-16 16:37:41

Get out while you can.

Fireman5 Wed 25-May-16 16:45:48

He sounds like a complete loser and a dick head. There are so many people out there that will treat you the respect and love that you deserve, you've just got to leave him and realise that there's more to than just him.

Stressedandconfusedinmay Wed 25-May-16 17:10:33

I feel upset that I have wasted 5 years with him, I also feel stupid for trying again. I feel lonely without him which sounds pathetic but I am attached. Help!

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