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Anger management help for DP(54 Posts)
Hiya, looking for a bit of advice really about how to approach my DP'S anger issues, what help is out there for him etc.
We have been together for a year and a half and have a 13 week old DS. We were work friends before getting together and I thought I knew him really well. A couple of months into the relationship we hit some testing times at work - we worked in the same team and once my male boss found out we were together he made work really difficult for my DP, resulting in management getting involved and my DP was moved departments. I ended up going off on the sick for a few weeks due to the stress of work and my DP blaming me for my boss's behaviour (I had previously had an affair with my boss a couple of years before I started a relationship with DP). DP would get angry after work each evening and punch walls, throw things, etc.
Fast forward a year and DP still has almost daily outbursts of anger, unrelated to work but 'due' to other things such as stress as he is working full time as well as studying for a uni degree and all the stress that comes with having a baby. He continues to throw things, kick things, punch walls and generally breaks stuff in the house. He has also thrown things at me (a ruler, plastic wrapping from easter egg, hard chocolates from easter egg, soiled baby wipe) and the hard chocolate actually hit my son on the head as I was nursing him at the time.
Yesterday he got annoyed at me because I told him I had a bad tummy. He said I should go to the Dr and I said that I don't need to go to the doctor as it's mild and only come on that day. He punched the side of the sofa repeatedly and then grabbed my leg and squeezed hard. I have woken up this morning to blue bruises.
After his outbursts he always apologises for his behaviour and goes in a strop with himself for how he has behaved.
The leg squeezing has been the final straw and I know he needs to get help for his anger. I am worried about my son growing up seeing his behaviour and thinking it's normal.
What should I suggest to DP - would it be counselling and if so does he need to see Dr?
This is abit beyond anger management, I would class this as abuse. He is hurting you AND your son, not taking his fustration out on objects. How do you feel? Scared? You don't have to tolerate this, there is many options for you whether it be walk away if he is not actually willing to work on this himself, or staying away whilst he gets intervention/help. At the very least I would be looking to live elsewhere (relatives, refuge, friends) while he sorts himself out, asking him to leave while he sorts himself out, or just plain leave TBH. This is NOT acceptable
I am studying full time, work part time, have three DC, pregnant, a fussy DH and my stress levels really peak, but I do NOT abuse anyone. Maybe I'll have a moan on MN, have a cry, be abit snappy.... Stress isn't an excuse for abuse. Nothing is. Squeezing your leg is a calculated action, not like grabbing something and throwing it whilst seeing red (I have actually done this once and NOT at anyone, just on the floor whilst alone).
Beyond anger management
You need to get yourself and your precious baby away from this violent abusive man before you or he get seriously hurt
Ring Women's Aid for advice and/or speak to your health visitor to access RL support for you
Agreed that this is beyond 'anger management', and that you and your baby are at risk from a violent man who is not in control of his emotions or his actions. It sounds as if he is working up from throwing things to actually laying his hands on you with the violent leg-squeezing, and the next development is likely to be that he hits you. Possibly with your baby in your arms. Please at the very least arrange to go and live elsewhere. It is not your responsibility to arrange anger management classes or whatever for this man - you need to ensure the safety of yourself and your baby, and I would fear for you staying under the same roof.
Other posters will have more concrete suggestions if there isn't an obvious friend or family member you can stay with, but phoning Women's Aid might be a good first port of call. Very best wishes, and get out now - don't minimise this.
You don't need anger management help. He is abusing you and you need to get away from him and protect yourself and your son.
He could look at anger management afterwards but any reputable place won't even consider treating him whilst he's with you. You need to be no contact.
I don't feel scared, but I'm worried about the effect of this on my son if he doesn't get it sorted. I've sent him a message (he's at work) saying that I think it's time he gets help. I'm pretty sure he will because he doesn't want to feel/act this way. It would only be if he didn't get help that I would ultimately leave. I love him and he is a good person, for some reason he just can't control his emotions
He doesn't need anger management, he needs to find out why he is so angry and deal with it, in depth over a period of time.
But he can only do this while not around any triggers, he needs to be as far away from you as possible and that baby until he has a considerable handle on his feelings.
Unless he is able to commit the time and recourses to get to the bottom of why he feels this way, nothing will change and his behaviour will escalate. Growing up I suggest he has never learnt how to handle his emotions effectively, but this is no reason as an adult to subject others to his issues.
As always said on issues like this it's the 3 C's
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You cannot control this
The sooner you believe those 3 things the better for all concerned, you cannot save him from himself, he has to do that for himself.
No amount of love and self sacrifice from you will make a difference, he needs to reach rock bottom so he can work his way up. Your not equipped or trained to tackle him head on and control and anticipate his responses to hard truths.
Please be safe
This is frightening.
This man is just outright dangerous and you are kidding yourself if you think counselling can sort this out.
If you stay with him, he's going to seriously hurt either you or your son.
You need to get out, fast.
Tell people what's happening. Tell your family, tell your health visitor. You need help and support to get the hell out of this situation.
I don't feel scared
Why not, OP? Are you simply to used to his threatening behaviour? After all, he has a track record of violent outbursts that from your OP has gone on almost as long as you've been a couple, and a track record of blaming you for things, like your relationship with your boss, even though it long pre-dated your relationship with your partner.
I actually think it's more alarming that you aren't scared, because you are so used to this level of daily anger and violence.
I stand by my point that he's worked up from throwing things (and who deliberately throws a hard chocolate egg close to a nursing baby?) to actually putting his hands on you, and that the next thing will be that he actually hits you. I think you should be scared, OP, and that you need to take steps to protect yourself and your baby above all. He's giving you warning signs.
Don't leave your tiny son alone with him for one second. Your posts are absolutely chilling.
He's a time bomb.
Even if you don't think he'll hurt your son (and he already has), is this the way you want your son to grow up? He's only tiny now, but in a year or two he'll understand more what's going on and will probably be scared of his dad.
If he did not want to behave this way then they would not or at the very least he would be seeking help. Does he assault people in other places, at the supermarket or at work or is it just you and your son he assault?
You need to look at your priorities. At the moment he is top, it should be your son and then you. The only way you can protect your child is to leave this man.
Speak to a friend, your HV or women's aid.
It's not his emotions he struggles to control it's his hands and that's why he is an abuser.
I am sorry you have to hear this. It took my mum 30 years to divorce my dad and in that time he hit her repeatedly, broke her nose, broke mine, fractured my brothers skull when he was a baby, threw things, smashed a glass door, I could go on....
You-know-it's not right.... you just need to get there.
Oh OP . He's being abusive. Please don't try and minimise and justify his behaviour. Squeezing your leg so hard it bruises? For what? Lots and lots of people have stressful lives, but they don't go around being violent to people they are meant to love. And throwing things at you when you are nursing your son? Your post is really scary. I hope you get away from this man for the sake of your son and yourself.
Your posts are absolutely chilling I couldn't agree more wonky
Does he do this at work?
Around other family members?
As with all abuse cases the advice is the same; The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!!!!
He is clearly very abusive. Yes OP VERY VERY abusive.
Please contact Womens Aid and do it fast.
You need to get away from this not just for your sake but for your sons sake.
This behaviour is a terrible lesson for him (your DS) and it's happening a lot.
It has now escalated to physical violence.
Get some pictures of those bruises.
If you can and are feeling brave enough, then report the assault to the police. If a stranger did this to you, you would report it.
It WILL escalate further. FACT!!!!
So get out and get out now!!!
Get some RL support.
Do you have family or friends you can talk to.
Just one trusted person will do for now.
Make it a reality. Get it out there.
DP still has almost daily outbursts of anger
This is very scary OP. You may not feel scared but you will be tailoring your every move in anticipation of another outburst. This is no way to live. You may not be scared, but 'walking on eggshells' is simply a euphemistic way of saying that you are living in fear of what he might do. I think you should be scared, if that is what it takes to get you to take steps to protect you and your baby.
It is serious. You do need to find support here. Do you have friends and family who you can talk to and who can support you?
It isn't anger issues and he doesn't need help. It's abuse . If you can't or won't leave at the moment I strongly urge you to call the police next time he is aggressive.
Anger management really isn't suitable in the context of an intimate relationship. It just enables the abuser to control andvuse their anger. It's much better for stopping people getting into punchups in the taxi queue.
You can't stay with this man, OP
He will injure you or your baby, and then social services will want to know why you failed to protect your baby from your abusive relationship. You need either to get out, or to get him out, no more chances. Talk to a solicitor, Women's Aid, etc.
I am surprised he can hold down a job if he throws objects at people and physically attacks them leaving them with bruises
I would also like to know how he maintains any friendships
A man so unable to control his temper would be out of friends and out of work. But he isn't. Why is that ?
Because he CAN control it, he just chooses not to where you and your son are concerned.
This stuff about needing help and being unable to control himself is just bullshit.
He has messaged me back saying that I would be much happier without him and that he thinks he should move out for a while. I don't want him to. I just want him to be all better
I think it's a mental health issue to be honest - he can't seem to help feeling the anger and once the anger passes he feels really down and usually takes himself away from me and wallows in self pity. He has told me that he feels depressed before but then he seems to snap out of it and feel better, until the next thing sets the anger off and the cycle starts again. I just want him to be the happy man that drew me to him in the first place and I want him to get the help he needs...
It's not a mental health issue - well, he might have mental health issues as well, but the main issue is that he is abusive towards you.
If he genuinely wants to get help for his issues, and change his behaviour, he could look at this website and call the helpline: www.respectphoneline.org.uk
But you can't "help" him while he is abusing you.
Yes, to some extent it is a mental health issue.
Only he can take the steps to cure it, and he needs to do it away from you and your baby son. You can't raise a child in this environment. It's unfair and very damaging to the child.
If he is able and willing to sort himself out, he can do it while living away from you both. You can then judge when and whether he has made sufficient progress to be allowed back under the same roof as your little boy.
But as it stands now, he does need to move out. For your child's wellbeing, if nothing else.
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