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Anyone else in a mixed race/culture marriage/relationship? Fancy a chat thread?

(29 Posts)
ButtonsAndBows Wed 25-May-16 09:37:41

The multi-cultured family thread is in parenting so it kinda covers kids (I think) rather than relationships.
Sometimes I think these relationships are different from most on here (in terms of dynamics/roles) but if I posted something in this topic people would shoot me down saying my DH was backwards/out of date/even possibly abusive (?!)
I would love a place to vent with people who understand "the struggle" confusedgrin

DaphneCanDoBetterThanFred Wed 25-May-16 15:07:16

<passes wine>
Oh lord, yes, I am familiar with the struggle! grin I will namechange and come back to this thread op. There is a lot going on - homesickness, cultural differences, language barriers at times. DH and I spend most of our time laughing at and with each other but we both deserve bloody medals for being married. Medals made of wine. Lots of wine..

Vent away op, I'm sure there are more of us out there!

Dribsndrabs Wed 25-May-16 16:22:15

I am! Vent away all. smile

AlbusPercival Wed 25-May-16 16:29:35

Yes, both British, but DH is Jewish.

It can cause some interesting scenarios at times

ButtonsAndBows Wed 25-May-16 17:53:57

Not much to vent today except I did an (unexpected) 12h shift and now I have to go home and make about 100 roti hmmgrin

SavoyCabbage Wed 25-May-16 17:58:45

100 roti! Can I come and watch because I haven't a clue. I used to buy them raw and frozen from the supermarket but now we've moved I can't find them anywhere.

I think the food is one of the best things about multi cultural relationships!

ButtonsAndBows Wed 25-May-16 20:03:41

Weeeeell more like 15 but it feels like 100! DH doesn't like "cheating", he won't even let me buy ginger/garlic paste , everything has to be fresh hmm

Food is the main thing I think, I am trying to lose weight and I can't because of all this darn food haha

Wordsaremything Wed 25-May-16 20:06:57

Hang on - he won't LET you buy garlic or ginger paste?!!

Suninseptember Wed 25-May-16 20:46:46

Another one here! I'm black and my partner's British. smile
I come from a passionate family and we talk loudly and with gusto. He's used to talking loudly being associated with airing grievances but it's natural in my culture.
He likes most dishes and recently went to a traditional party where he was the only British guy. Needless to say I looked after him.
Anybody learning their dh's language?

Suninseptember Wed 25-May-16 20:49:20

Button and bows, I'm a bit like your partner, most of what I buy has to be fresh, it's the way I was brought up. I grew up in England but still have some traditional ways.
Lived in London all my life but recently moved to an area where there are no markets.😆

isthatmytshirt Wed 25-May-16 20:59:33

Oh good grief, I hear you! Medals all round, I'd say. Well, except that my medal would be frequently confiscated for thoughts such as "you are reliant on me for your spousal visa to even be in the UK, buddy. One more bad decision and I'm phoning the authorities and revoking my sponsorship"... ;)

GemmaB78 Wed 25-May-16 21:05:54

My DP is German so not too many differences for us. And his English is way better than my German!

StepfauxWife Wed 25-May-16 21:08:37

I'm the Indian one and I'm the one that buys rotis! My DH is (very) English and he says that one of the best things about our relationship is his exposure to Indian food aside from the takeaway variety. We're all very much enjoying Indian mango season at the mo.

Dribsndrabs Wed 25-May-16 21:38:13

My DP is black (parents Nigerian) and I'm white, I attempted jollof rice the other day (his favourite) but he said it wasn't as good as his DM's. The food is one of my favourite things too, I've grown up on traditional English grub so I've loved trying all the new things.

Suninseptember Wed 25-May-16 21:47:57

Dribs, how are you finding the spiciness of jollof rice?

TheCaptainsCat Wed 25-May-16 22:07:09

Hold up, it's Indian mango season?! <placemarks>

My DH is Polish and Pakistani, although born in the UK. Probably makes things easier as he has been immersed in British culture his whole life, but there are still so many cultural differences!

justjuanmorebeer Wed 25-May-16 22:10:56

My ex is from a Punjabi family and our relationship was a total nightmare. He was very abusive as were his family and I didn't realise for years. Luckily out now but, I nearly wasn't.
Why would people say your relationship could be seen as abusive OP?

ButtonsAndBows Wed 25-May-16 22:45:18

Just his ways I guess - he was born and brought up in rural punjab and in his village it's like stepping back in time. If MN hear on any threads the man isn't doing a good chunk of housework/cooking, they start saying they are abusice and to divorce shockconfusedgrin but it's just the way it is for us!

Nothing is ever as good as their DM though, you're right grin

justjuanmorebeer Thu 26-May-16 17:31:39

Are you happy with the situation as it is?

Offred Thu 26-May-16 18:45:39

So... You think because your husband is from a different culture he gets to dictate what your role 'should' be? You have to be his cook and cleaner because you are female and his cultural beliefs are sexist?

Mamaka Thu 26-May-16 18:54:32

Yes we also deserve a medal. We are working through the sexism and inequality in his values (and to an extent mine) I call him out whenever I hear sexism and we discuss it openly with the kids. This point has taken a long time and a lot of effort to reach.
We are quite young though so he's not too set in his ways. If we were older and he was open to change I would leave. I am nobody's skivvy!

Mamaka Thu 26-May-16 18:55:31

If he was NOT open to change that should read.

justjuanmorebeer Thu 26-May-16 22:46:49

The sexism is embedded and you will find it impossible to change it. Your children will see how he treats you to and grow up expecting to treat/be treated like that.

Are his family on the scene? If so you are fighting a losing battle.

If you are happy with the situation then fair enough. I absolutely wasn't and never will be. You don't sound particularly happy with it in your posts though.

Offred Thu 26-May-16 23:21:54

Well, you might be fine with doing a 12 hour shift (whilst pg) and then coming home to him expecting you to cook what he wants you to cook in the way he wants you to cook it and not being happy because you aren't as good as his mum, but is that something you think your kids should be exposed to?

BackgroundMusic Fri 27-May-16 13:42:46

I'm Indian and female. Even in modern India, all women have achieved is an extra burden of bringing an income. Household chores, cooking etc is still down to women. Things are changing I'm told but I'm waiting to see the evidence. fwiw, I'm divorcing soon. We are both Indians and still miles apart in expectations.

This whole home made tradition is based on keeping women busy in housework so they don't venture out. That is all you were allowed to do so it became the norm. I can imagine why 15 would feel like 100. I eat 2 for dinner, husband will easily eat 7 and MIL will eat 6 or so. They even say we should not count while cooking and use all the dough. It is rude otherwise. Whatever the heck, if I'm cooking, I am bound to be counting. To be honest, I get so tired with all the DIY cooking that I have barely any appetite left after cooking in the kitchen for more than an hour.

My MIL wants a curry, side dish, roti and rice for dinner every fucking day. Go figure and try to please her! Men pretend to be incompetent and is it beneath them. I wish I could wrap it in a nice way but can't.

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