Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Controlling partner making me lie

(221 Posts)
Feelingthefearnow Wed 25-May-16 05:50:32

Hi please help
I met my partner three years ago . We quickly moved in together . The relationship was amazing following the volatile marriage I had . It began a very attentive partnership which I'd never experienced . To cut a long story short ... And I don't know how I got here ... But basically I can't do anything now without him knowing . He maps out my every move wants to know when I'm leaving places , when I get there . When my phone goes he wants to know exactly who it is and what they want ... I'm a nervous wreck ... I have told him a couple of lies and said I've stayed at home when I just want a bit of freedom and he found out . He has been calling me a liar and said some nasty things . I don't see anyone anymore and he says if I don't start bringing my friends round and family anymore he will tell them what a liar I am and how badly I've treated him ! He manipulates everything I do . I feel so miserable scared and trapped sad. I'm constantly walking on egg shells and saying sorry all the time . I feel nobody will believe me as he comes across so nice and polite .. I'm at my wits end

MakeItRain Wed 25-May-16 06:04:49

It doesn't matter what other people think. How "tied" to him are you financially? How easy would it be to leave? Is there anyone you could stay with for a while so you can extricate yourself from this harmful relationship?

BrienneAndTormund Wed 25-May-16 06:06:13

You're not trapped.
What is tying you to him? Children, money? It can be done and it must be done. Please call womens aid for advice.

Feelingthefearnow Wed 25-May-16 06:15:30

No the house is in his name . I have two children not to him . Just feel I haven't the confidence I'm quite scared . He's not violent at all . What is wrong with me ? I'm normally so strong

BrienneAndTormund Wed 25-May-16 06:17:36

That's a relief.
Your children are watching this relationship and learning how men and women relate to each other from you both. You are setting them up for a lifetime of being abused or abusers. Does that make you feel any more motivated?

MakeItRain Wed 25-May-16 06:25:24

You don't need to do anything straight away apart from explore your options for leaving. (Staying with a friend/look up rental properties/find out what you could afford)

Don't worry about what other people think. They probably realise something's not right.

LumpySpacedPrincess Wed 25-May-16 06:29:07

Oh sweetie, it sounded like you went from the frying pan to the fire. sad

LumpySpacedPrincess Wed 25-May-16 06:29:55

The freedom programme

Feelingthefearnow Wed 25-May-16 06:39:03

Yes ive already started looking at an escape I've started putting money to one side but I have to give him half my wages on Friday which might wipe me out a bit as I stalled done if the money last month to hide and said it was for a school trip but he's not forgot

DoreenLethal Wed 25-May-16 06:40:02

Can you leave on thursday and go somewhere until you have enough for a deposit on a rental?

AugustaFinkNottle Wed 25-May-16 06:41:53

Phone Women's Aid, today.

Feelingthefearnow Wed 25-May-16 06:42:45

Would probably have to go to family but I need to work today so gives me little time

Smurfling43 Wed 25-May-16 06:48:03

Have you told anyone in rl what's happening ?

Feelingthefearnow Wed 25-May-16 07:20:14

No but my sister is guessing . Says it's weird how I don't see her like I used to . I just made an excuse

TheNIghtManagersWife Wed 25-May-16 07:23:43

Please tell your sister everything as a first step. Meet her for lunch when you go to work. Or call her in your lunch break. You must gather strength from others. You are not tied to this man.

It is scary, terrifying in fact to change your life in this way. I did the same last year when I left my controlling ex. My children have blossomed since then. It's not easy but it is far far easier than living like you are now.

What he is doing is coercive control. It's illegal and it's wrong. You have every right to leave this relationship asap.

Feelingthefearnow Wed 25-May-16 12:03:55

Thanks . I've tried to contact my sister a couple of times today . As I'm trying to call her he sends me a text saying .... How is your sister ? Have you seen her ? It just unnerves me that he somehow is on to my plans . How the hell he would know I don't know . My mind is all over the place .

Jayne35 Wed 25-May-16 12:11:28

OP I would be worried about him asking about your sister, could he have spyware installed on your phone? Be careful and good luck getting out flowers

MrsBertBibby Wed 25-May-16 12:12:00

Has he got access to your phone account? Could he have spyware on your phone?

Would work be supportive if you tell them what's up? Can they give you some time to make calls from work phones to be more private?

BadDoGooder Wed 25-May-16 12:14:09

Oh I'm so sorry op. He's a controlling abusive dick.

As I'm trying to call her he sends me a text saying .... How is your sister ? Have you seen her ? It just unnerves me that he somehow is on to my plans . How the hell he would know I don't know

PLEASE PLEASE take your phone to a decent phone shop ASAP.
Get them to check for key loggers and tracking things, I would be suspicious enough to think he's watching what you write and do.

Also any laptops etc, if you can get them checked as well, I am v worried that he will be able to see you planning an escape and will escalate his behaviour.

Don't want to frighten you, but modern technology has made it so easy for these bastards.

Also call Womens Aid asap.

Feelingthefearnow Wed 25-May-16 12:25:05

I've thought about spyware before . He seems to know things I mean really random things I may have been doing . I change my code daily so he would have to have access to this to put the spyware on . Not impossible but probable . Work are good with support issues and I can use computers etc so that's not a problem

pinkyredrose Wed 25-May-16 12:45:08

he could easily have put a keylogger on your phone, pc etc, he sounds the type to do it. if I were you i'd get a cheap pay as you go phone and only give the number to your sister, trusted friends etc.

pinkyredrose Wed 25-May-16 12:46:31

Also you can get keyloggers that can be accessed remotely so he may not need to have your phone in his hand to see what you're doing.

MrsBertBibby Wed 25-May-16 12:52:15

Also, could he be bugging you? It's horribly easy, look at this case (father bugging daughter's blazer to listen in on meetings and contact)

Feelingthefearnow Wed 25-May-16 13:17:57

That is terrible . I need to look into what a key logger is and yes I imagine I could be being bugged which didn't enter my head .

OTheHugeManatee Wed 25-May-16 13:21:43

Jesus shock

You need to get out pronto.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now