Handholding please

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

I am so angry and upset quietly of course, as DS is right in the middle of his GCSE's. I am keeping this completely to myself and I cannot even talk to anybody, because I don't want him to notice.

My Ex (Toad, to those who remember ...) is behaving true to form and I have to keep batting him away, anything will do as an excuse to pester us, send endless emails, ask to come over, ask to see the children, ask to check if the house is properly maintained - an ongoing string of requests.
The children and I live in the family home from which he was evicted in 2013. He has been living in a hotel ever since, hoping to come back.
The children are not keen on him, but they see him every now and then to keep in touch and to shut him up. Needless to say, I am not keen on Toad either.

I work full time, long hours and I also have a long commute. I am the only provider for the children, as of course Toad is not paying maintenance, as he is a business owner and therefore difficult to assess.

Blocking him is not an option, as I have to be available for appointments regarding the sale of the house and to make arrangements with the children.

There is just no shutting him up. Nothing works. I just about manage to keep him away threatening to call the police if he turns up unannounced or harasses the children.

Contact with the children is difficult to arrange anyway, as Toad is of course banned from driving and requests to be picked up to see the children in our home - I refuse now.

We just can't get rid of him.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

In view of the constant harassment would you be able to get a restraining order?

What would happen if you only answered relevant e mails and ignored the others? You could block him on your phone, and unblock him if he has the children

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

Sorry - this is a very long and badly written post.

My main point is that even now that DS is right in the middle of his exams, I really struggle to keep his father from pestering us. He claims I am using DS's exams as an excuse to stop him from seeing the children, although seeing his father is the last thing that DS could cope with at the moment.

I am wondering if I should call the police to go and have a word with him - which they would, given Toad's history.

[kittybiscuits]

I agree - answer only to those emails that are essential. I would make the children available for collection for contact but nothing more. I remember you

[Costacoffeeplease]

Didn't you have a non mol at one time? Can you not get it re-instated?

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

Hi ATM - thanks for answering.

Not enough there to get an order. He is blocked on my phone, but can use one of my email addresses. Still I have to read the entire email - several pages, relentlessly, to understand what the hell he is on about and what it is he wants this time. Then I have to explain why I cannot accommodate him, which in turn he does not accept. And so on ...

If it's not the children, it's the house, money (why he doesn't pay), the car, his bad health, any other problems ...there is always something he is rambling on about.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

I think you should speak to the police, they might be able to help you get the order as well. How do you think he would react to them having a word? Might it make him worse? If so it might be something to do after the exams are over, if you can manage until then.

Poor you, I was hoping you might be further on towards the divorce and finally getting rid of him

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

Absolutely - kitty - I offered he could collect the kids by taxi and bring them back by taxi. I even tried to persuade them to go out to dinner with him, take their IPads and get it over with - like the dentist. All they have to do is eat a pizza and pretend to listen. Toad doesn't let anyone talk anyway, so it's not difficult, but they are embarrassed about his behaviour, loudly commenting about people around him and bragging.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Is it possible for information about viewings to come direct from the Estate Agents, giving him one less reason to call. Can you refuse his unreasonable requests to keep inspecting the house? Maybe allow him to do it once every 3 months, making sure you have someone else there with you.

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

I would ask the police to have a word, was very effective last time when he refused to accept thst he could not turn up u announced, but I cannot do this discreetly, as DS is on study leave and I don't want him to notice. Otherwise, yes, I'd just let them know that we need some help to keep Toad in check.

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

It's not the house, ATM it's the garden that he claims he has to maintain - he has a point, I can't manage it.

We are now changing the agent and then the hopefully trustworthy new agent will have a key.

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

I refuse and keep refusing and Toad keeps emailing ...

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Perhaps me might like to pay for a gardener if he's so worried about the garden!

Tell him he can e mail you twice a week, (pick 2 days) any other e mails will be ignored, any unannounced visits and you will call the Police. Maybe threaten him with them again (without actually doing anything until after the exams) if he doesn't pack it in.

Tell him that his constant insistence on seeing the children doesn't ring true since he refuses to pay anything towards them.

He's impossible, but the one bright thing in all of this is that he can only try to control from a distance now. You don't have to share a house with him any more.

I know how difficult it is, I had a psychotic stalking ex for a couple of years. Eventually the Police took him to court for constantly breaking the injunction and he went to prison for 28 days. Oddly that stopped him.

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

28 days sounds great ATM - it was 24 hours for Toad, which did not make much of an impact.

Tried ignoring the emails - then I ignored the ones that were about viewings and the viewings had to be cancelled. He doesn't accept to only email me with information, time and dates, facts only and no comments.

He has sent these emails now for over two years, day in, day out, there is no stopping this. He is not easy to shut up. He is not a normal person, may be not even a human.

If I ask for maintenance, he yells that I am only interested in his money (well yes) and materialistic, whereas of course he is materialistic, not supporting the children. I am really struggling this month making ends meet - unexpected expenses - managed of course, but some help would have been appreciated. Toad offered to take the kids out for a meal that would have Cost him £££s but apparently could not afford to help me out.

Oh no, a gardener would of course have to be supervised by Toad!

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

Just venting, really, of course we are lucky that he is not living with us any longer. Still, it's not much fun looking over my shoulder all the time not knowing what he is up to next, like last Friday, when a poll card came through the door for him. Toad had taken it upon himself to register again at our home. After an agonising weekend and fearing he would try to move back in again, I found out that all I had to do was to inform the council that he does not live here and he was swiftly taken off the register. It's just the stress that is getting to me.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Of course, he'd be out there with a tape measure making sure the gardener had cut the grass to the required length. Forget the gardener.

It obviously hasn't occurred to him that maintenance is for the children, not for you.

He really is a despicable creature (like you I'm unsure that he is actually human).

He will never forgive you for actually managing to escape his physical clutches. He's trying to keep you under his mental control. Might it take a little of the sting out of what he does to imagine him in the most ridiculous situation and laugh at it to yourself when he starts. There's nothing so frustrating to someone like him than not getting a reaction.

I used to imagine the ex dressed as a baby, talking like the Haribo advert, with a dummy I could ram into his mouth when necessary. It worked for me, he's be ranting away and I'd be trying not to laugh.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

X post. I understand so well about the stress,I spent so much time literally looking over my shoulder as he would just appear out of nowhere.

I would get phone calls telling me where I'd been and who with, it was frightening.

He couldn't get to me at work (it was for the MoD on a secure site) so he used to wait outside and follow me home etc etc until I had a word with the Guard and he was picked up for being a suspected terrorist.

It was a nightmare and you have my sympathy. I hope it will all be over soon for you, it's like being reborn when it all stops.

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

Thank you so much, ATM, I am already feeling better talking to you.

It doesn't feel like there is any way of getting out of this right now, it is like he will always be there and I still wake up every morning stressed out about what he will be up to next.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

I'm here whenever you want to talk.

The best favour you can do yourself, and it's not easy, is to stop giving his antics attention. If you can either laugh at him or think to yourself 'Oh God he's off again', he's failing in his task of making you as stressed and browbeaten as he can.

I'm sure he thinks that if he can wear you down enough you will go back to him. Only time will get him out of that mindset (and visits from the Police every time he steps out of line).

How far is the divorce along?

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Here's a couple to get you laughing at him.

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

Thank you ATM

We were never married - all the money is on the house and it's not selling. That's another can of worms.

I know, he is as vile as he can from a distance, making all sorts of accusations and statements. Some days I can laugh it off, but recently I have been really struggling to keep it together.

I am not getting back with him and I won't allow him to join us on holiday, not even im separate hotels - this is what he is already working on, to wear me out so I will allow him to come. Suddenly he will miraculously find the funds for 5 Star Hotel and try and buy us. DD was adamant he's not coming. We have done that, been there.

I will retread your last post tomorrow morning to get to the right mindset on the way to work!

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

Is this Mr and Mrs Toad?

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

No. It's Mr Toad in 2 ridiculous costumes

[Karenthetoadwhisperer]

But this is precisely how he looks and is dressed (outfit 2).

[smilingeyes11]

I would certainly speak to the police and I wonder if a call to WA would be good too. If the children don't want to see him then there is nothing to discuss surely? And any house sale details can go via an agent. Stop giving him oxygen I think.

[IthoughtATMwasacashpoint]

Should be the right cue to get you laughing at him then, just imagine the picture every time he starts. It's difficult to be stressed when you're fighting back giggles.

It does get you down, my ex thought that the more he said something and the louder he said it the more notice I would take. He would stand and scream the same thing over and over again and follow me if I tried to get away. It all gets on top after a while, you would do almost anything just to make them stop.

I don't have children, but protecting them and you from him must be exhausting.

Contacting Women's Aid is a great idea, they will be able to give you some expert support on the abuse you are all suffering. 24 hour freephone number is 0808 2000 247.