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XH sent email to birthday guests

(145 Posts)
torontonian Tue 24-May-16 02:56:48

Today was my DS 3rd birthday and my XH sent an email 20 min before the party to some of the guests. I dont know the full text but basically: I didnt let him come to the party and if somebody wanted to know what REALLY happened with our separation they could reach to him (he had an affair with someone everybody in the party knows but still denies 10 months later).

So this is a school setting. The OW lost 2 friends from this group and recently had to cancel her DD bday because nobody was coming. Mind you I have kept quiete, only told 2 people from school (friends not just anybody) and I am pretry sure they have kept it private. But these two morons think OW losing friends or people not coming to her party is my fault. And after having an affair while I was pregnant, lying to me (OW was my friend and at my house almost every weekend) cheating, deceiving, I still need to put up with revenge. Wtf!?

One of the persons he sent the email to is my friend but she didnt tell me yet (I know through second friend, who did not receive it). Do you think I should ask her to forward it to me? Wait until she mentions? I want to know what it says exactly but sont want to make her feel uncomfortable.

I dont want to turn a blind eye. Keeping quiet is not doing me any good. The more they punch me and I say nothing the more thwy think they can do to me. I need to stop them. And I want the text in case he has vulnerated my right to honour. Snougj is enough.

torontonian Tue 24-May-16 03:06:22

Sorry, about the party, XH was invited. But we had a very tense pickup and dropoff yesterday as he didnt help with the party at all and I said he should not come.

I wanted to invite my DS class only but XH said we should invite the 2 classes of his level. XH also invited a couple of his own friends. I sent the invites, bought the cake (1/2 slab brought home in the subway with my 3 years old and my 10 months baby in tow), bought loot bags, ballons, booked the place, wrote the thank you notes, EVERYTHING. He just needed to show up. So I was angry when I said "dont come"

He has sent me lots of messges since sating "I cannot not come because my friends are invited", "IT is in DS best interest. Can you handle it?", etc. I just ignored. One hour into the party he was not there yet and I sent a message asking if he was going to show up. He did at the end.

I only knew about the emails after the party was over.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 24-May-16 03:08:42

It sounds like an awful situation

But on the positive side it sounds like everyone is on your side.

If I was a parent at the school and received his email I would think he was a twat for publicising a private matter and feel nothing but sympathy for you

I would also want the email but as evidence as I assume you are not yet divorced? Maybe ask your friend if she can keep it instead of deleting it and give it to you when you are feeling calmer. Don't do anything in haste, take time to figure out the best reaction and have some wine

I'm sure someone will be along soon with a really good response!

dailyfailplagiarism Tue 24-May-16 03:37:19

Get some e to print it off including the list of people he sent it to. Could come in handy later.

RosieSW Tue 24-May-16 04:59:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HunterHearstHelmsley Tue 24-May-16 05:15:10

Rosie. The two morons are ExH and OW. The second post is clarification about the party

torontonian Tue 24-May-16 05:46:29

Sorry, RosieSW. I wrote from my phone and didn´t know how to connect all the points without missing information but I also tried to be concise. Yes, the two morons are XH and OW, who blame me for all their disgraces, although I have kept quiet about their affair and never made a scene. I washed my laundry at home.
I had a group of moms who met outside daycare. OW, friend#1 who received email today and friend#2 who told me about said email. OW lost friend#1 and friend#2 (friend#2 of her own doing as she was the one to tell her about my separation and not me...).

Yes Rainbowqueeen. I was mortified, specially as I don´t know who received it (it was CCO) so I am thinking of parents who don´t know us that well. It definitely sounds crazy and I would run for the hills if I received such an email from somebody I barely know. So I "hope" -strange word choice that he selected the recipients.

I want the email to stop him from damaging my honour and image any more. That´s why I need the exact text, to see the tone and wording. I got it.

^torontonian uninvited me for her own vindictive and false reasons. It tears me apart because I believe it will hurt our DS deeply. DS invited me himself to be there.

I am writing because I am certain that she will once again misrepresent the situation, and while adults can choose what they wish to think, the 3-year old brain will take things much more viscerally.

I am willing to talk with anyone who will listen — taking torontonian´s side without inquiring to the other side of the story will divide us and ultimately hurt the kids.^^

DaveCamoron Tue 24-May-16 05:52:05

Why did you tell him not to come and then text him asking where he was? He's a knob but that bit has confused me, maybe I need more sleep.

torontonian Tue 24-May-16 05:57:32

What really happened:
We exchange some texts. I am kids free Sunday for 5h, party is Monday and I need to pick up the cake, finish the loot bags, drop by the place to pay and confirm headcount, etc. Again, I don´t drive, so this takes forever. I asked him if he could take our DD 2h early (extra). DS was already with him - he has more time as he is older- so it is not like I ruined a hot date.

Well, with his incredible arrogance he told me that it was not difficult to book a place and arrange things and that if I couldn´t do it, at least I needed to let him know ahead of time. That he did not want to get caught in my panic and my drama. That the previous week I had asked to order the pizza (was actually hired with the playground) and the juice (also provided by the playground) and the blablabla (whatever that is provided by the playground). We updated the package, and it was detailed in a messagge that all these things were now included and he didn´t need to do them anymore.
So, endlessly tired of the same b---s**t, I said "Lol, it looks like you are doing so much!! Food is covered but you missed that part, not new. Look, forget about the party. I planned it and I will enjoy it. I don´t need your idiocy. You can see DS at xx pm if you wish"

That was my uninvite. Then he explained that he could not not come because his friends were invited, etc. Then, 4h after my "uninvite" he dropped by the playground to leave a balloon and told the guy there that he was coming today (he asked me for the father who dropped the balloon but wa not there...). So he totally invented the "uninvite". 4h after he was going to the party! He never understood I was blocking him from coming. He has sent this email just to hurt me and make me look bad.

torontonian Tue 24-May-16 06:03:16

DaveCamoron I was angry when I said that because he did not move a finger with the party (while acting as host) and could not even watch DD for a couple extra hours while I did all the running. I know I should not have said that, but he REALLY exploited it to make look bad. He knew it was said in the heat of the moment. But he decided to use it to play victim. And that is why I sent the message to him, 30 min into the party (I checked now) because him not showing meant only one thing: he was playing an act as the victim dad (he has not even return the house keys after asking repeatdly -- moved out 2 months ago -- so you think he didn´t come because I asked him not to? And he does what I say?)

torontonian Tue 24-May-16 06:05:38

And don´t tell me he didn´t come for not making a scene, because that is exactly what he did with the email!

Costacoffeeplease Tue 24-May-16 06:16:06

I still don't get it all, but really, it's your child's 3rd birthday, and the two of you are so petty that you make it all about you?

You've got a long road of co-parenting together ahead, you're going to have to find a better way than this

Inviting, uninviting, balloons, emails - it's so tacky. He's a twat, but he's your child's father - how do you think he felt with all this drama going on?

bittapitta Tue 24-May-16 06:24:55

I agree with Costa it's time for you to act like a grown up OP.

No more petty sarcastic messages, keep things factual and brief between you. Stay civil for your children's sake.

CoolforKittyCats Tue 24-May-16 06:25:20

I still don't get it all, but really, it's your child's 3rd birthday, and the two of you are so petty that you make it all about you?


It also seems like no one is acting like adults. Not turning up at a child's birthday party and having to therefore cancel it.

Whatever you may thinknow the parent it is not the child's fault and deliberately not turning up and punishing a child because of something their parent has done is downright nasty imo.

DaveCamoron Tue 24-May-16 06:25:25

Yeah I'm still confused, you both sound very petty and immature.

CoolforKittyCats Tue 24-May-16 06:25:54

*think of

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 24-May-16 06:32:13

Yes the OP sounds so immature! I mean she should just be so lovely to the ex who had an affair with her friend and is then emailing her other friends - who wouldn't act maturely in this situation hmm

OP - your friends clearly know what he is like and have chosen to ignore him. I would just ignore him as much as is possible and keep all communication as calm as possible and about the children.

Good luck - horrid situation for you.

P1nkP0ppy Tue 24-May-16 06:33:10

Sounds like some playground squabble to me, you're as bad as each other.

MrsCampbellBlack Tue 24-May-16 06:35:46

Really - so many of you think the OP is as bad as her ex husband who had an affair with her friend when she was pregnant because she lost her temper whilst sorting out a party.

This place really is odd sometimes.

DaveCamoron Tue 24-May-16 06:39:10

I said that he's a knob but he's still a father so the OP playing games won't help the situation as the children grow up.

SomeonesRealName Tue 24-May-16 06:39:14

Don't invite your ex to any more parties, get togethers or anything whatsoever to do with you ever particularly at your house. My child is 3 and knows that his father and I don't socialise I haven't made a big thing of it but this would never happen because similar history. Cut him and OW out of your life to the greatest extent possible. They screwed you over in the worst way they are your enemies. Model strong boundaries for your child.

Try to let the email go frustrating and upsetting though it is. Rise above it. I'm sure my ex goes around slandering me left right and centre. Idiot waste of space. Ignore ignore. Narcissist cheaters love a reaction - don't give them one.

noeuf Tue 24-May-16 06:43:04

In the other hand, and apologies if I've got this wrong , are you prone to exaggerating how bad he makes stuff for you? For example you say he had ds already and you wanted him to have dd so you could do the party stuff but then you also say

(1/2 slab brought home in the subway with my 3 years old and my 10 months baby in tow),

So maybe it's all just drama and he opted out to avoid it?

RiceCrispieTreats Tue 24-May-16 06:44:16

People who received that email will just think that it reflects badly on your ex.

You should rise above it and ignore. Don't stew. Don't retaliate. Stay dignified.

Nobody wants to be dragged into divorce squabbles. The people who received the email are probably just feeling faintly embarrassed about it, and hoping that nothing more like it is going to happen. You really don't need to do anything other than to let it die.

ProjectPerfect Tue 24-May-16 06:47:30

this place really is odd sometimes

I couldn't agree more and getting worse by the day hmm

For those posters who appear to be hard of reading it's pretty straightforward.

Ex H has affair with OPs friend whilst OP is pregnant
IP organises bday party for their older DC in clearly difficult circumstances with no help from Ex
Ex makes a pita of himself.
OP texts "forget about the party" in exasperation.
Ex emails undisclosed friends of OP/invitees implying there is some big reveal he can disclose if only they're prepared to listen to his side.

And the OP is as bad as the ExH? It's like a parallel fucking universe!

Hissy Tue 24-May-16 06:49:03

Stop keeping his secrets. If people ask, tell them. After all if he's proud enough of himself to shag you're from friend, then surely it must be ok to talk about it.

He's a separate entity to you now. Nothing to stop him making his own plans for his child's birthday, or actually to Pitch in and help with yours.

Bottom line is that if he won't help, he doesn't need to, you can ask others to help you.

The text makes him look a twat. All you need at if anyone asks, is the truth. He's banged ow, left you and isn't stepping up.

They'll believe you over him every time.

Glad to hear your friends are supporting you.

Ok so this party was a bit of a mess, but as long as ds had a good time, that's all that matters. Tell ex that he can make his own celebrations next year; invite who he wants, organise what he wants next and then ds gets 2 parties doesn't he?

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