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Relationship totally broken down. Can it be fixed or wishful thinking?

(16 Posts)
Theseatheskytheseatheskyyyy Mon 23-May-16 23:48:21

My relationship has basically fallen apart. Around 7 weeks ago he told me that he wasn't happy any more and he wanted to 'see how things go' over a period of time to come to a decision about us. This wasn't out of the blue, things have been deteriorating between us over the past few months and I wasn't totally happy either. He says we argue a lot and I always 'give him shit.' The biggest issue we have is that he would go on a night out and not come home until the next day. Happens once every 3/4 weeks. Sometimes it would be two days he wouldn't come home for. He says he doesn't know why he does it, and he can't face 'the shit' I'd give him when he did come home so he'd stay out for part of the following day. He only ever comes home if he has work the following day and has twice, on occasion phoned in sick to continue drinking. This only started in January - before this he'd have one night out a week and come home as normal. This was totally fine by me. I'll also add at this point we have a two year old and a 5 week old baby. Youngest was planned.

Anyway, we've decided to talk on Saturday about everything. Things have been up and down since the initial conversation what with having a newborn, c section recovery, sleep deprivation and the fact that he went for a day/night out drinking last Monday and he never came home until Tuesday night leaving me to do everything at home with no help. He still says he's no further forward with knowing what to do. He's no idea whether he wants a relationship and a future with us, he's no idea if he wants to split. I feel like he's in self destruct mode just now. Last year he lost 5 stone and he's gained it all back, he was on a course to be promoted and he's sacked that in etc. I love him, I love the way we were and how it used to be. It almost feels like since I got pregnant again something changed. He done this a good few years ago when he was young before house, kids etc. He handed in his notice one day and told me he didn't want to be with me any longer. We then got back together 4 months later after he admitted he'd got it all wrong and didn't want to live like this and we have been together since. Am I kidding myself that he's going to tell me he wants to stay together on Saturday? I can't bear the thought of having to take mine's and the kids stuff and find a new place to call home. This is so easy fixed if he was to stop this exessive drinking. He always says he will but he doesn't. I just really need support as I've no one irl to speak to. We'd speek about a having third child and getting married, speek about the future and where we'd take the kids on holiday and our hopes for them and now all of that is gone. I feel like there's no easy option. If we stay together we have serious shit to sort out that'll take a good while. If we split I've to leave (house in his name) start afresh and listen to my two year old ask for her daddy every day knowing he's not there. I've no doubt he'll continue to see the girls weekly and have a good relationship. They are his world. I'm so lost sad

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 24-May-16 00:01:18

Maybe it could be fixed. When does he plan to go to his first AA meeting so he can start fixing it?

summerwinterton Tue 24-May-16 00:03:59

I think you are kidding yourself. Why are you sat waiting around for him to decide to want you. Surely you should find your self esteem and work out why you put up with this utter nonsense from him.

And drinking, staying out all night. He pleases himself and does goodness knows what with who and yet you welcome him back. He has got it made hasn't he?

Theseatheskytheseatheskyyyy Tue 24-May-16 00:05:30

That's the thing. I've asked him to try counselling but he won't. He says he can see that there's a problem when he stays out but does nothing about it. Probably just saying that to keep me happy. He says he likes a drink and nights out which is fair enough but he's taking the piss. I like nights out too but my family comes first. Ive never felt so lost.

DoesMyMarthaCliffLookBigInThis Tue 24-May-16 00:06:46

It can't be fixed until he realises that his drinking is a problem. Staying out like that is unacceptable. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum- either he cuts back his drinking and stops staying out all night or else you will leave. See how he reacts to this and take it from there.

Theseatheskytheseatheskyyyy Tue 24-May-16 00:09:24

Yeah I'm working on my self esteem. Towards the end of my pregnancy I figured out everything I wasn't happy with with me and am taking steps towards changing that. I feel I've lost my identity being a stay at home mum. Have loads of weight to lose, no idea where to start on the job front. Everything's so scary just now.

Theseatheskytheseatheskyyyy Tue 24-May-16 00:12:46

I've tried an ultimatum. Back in February me and DD left for a week to stay with my mum. Went almost no contact with him. But I had my 32 week scan and he came too and things went back to normal after that. Whatever normal is. Sorry, slow at replying

TheNaze73 Tue 24-May-16 08:01:59

Ultimatums never work, most of the time the person on the receiving end would be antagonised even further & look weak and hollow. You just need to walk

Costacoffeeplease Tue 24-May-16 08:14:27

Don't let him make the decision - take back control and tell him how it's going to be. You can't live like this, so however hard leaving will be, it will be a positive step to a better life

You left before and it's basically made no difference to his behaviour, why do you think he'll change now?

Theseatheskytheseatheskyyyy Tue 24-May-16 09:42:46

Yeah I know the right thing to do is to leave. I can see that. I just don't feel strong enough. It breaks my heart to have to leave my children two days/nights a week. Especially the baby, she's only 5 weeks. It feels too soon, I've never been away from her. I'm not breastfeeding so I wouldn't have a justified reason to not let her go. Not that I'd ever keep them from him. He's away with work for the next two and a bit days so maybe the break will be good. I'm not sure why I think this time will be different, maybe because we have children now, and a house, a life together. Before we had nothing so it was easy just to walk away.

MessyBun247 Tue 24-May-16 09:53:48

The baby is too young to be away from her mummy. And could you even trust him to look after both the kids properly? You could let him come round and see the kids and spend time with them in your house, until the baby is a bit older.
Having 2 young kids is very hard, you don't need the extra stress he is giving you. Like someone else said, take back control and don't just let him do whatever he wants.
You deserve to be happy and treated with respect flowers

springydaffs Tue 24-May-16 12:15:46

Are you married?

HopeClearwater Tue 24-May-16 12:20:48

Don't leave your kids with him ever. He's got a drink problem.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs Tue 24-May-16 17:32:29

I wouldn't bother my ass trying to fix this.
he's a waste of your time.
i'd end it with him for good.

PrizePork Tue 24-May-16 17:41:27

I would leave and never look back.. you are work so much more than this and so are you babies..

you and your children should have a home that you can call yours and not be upset because he doesn't care enough to spend time with you.

one day a man will walk into your life make you and your children smile and you know it will be right.

at the end of the day left much longer and your children will be the ones to suffer at the moment they are young enough to not to know any different

Resilience16 Tue 24-May-16 19:49:56

I am so sorry you are in this shit situation, my heart really does go out to you. Bottom line you can't change him, and if he doesn't want to change (or just pays lip service to wanting to change but then does nothing)then your choices are to stay and suck it up, or be brave and get away.
The fact that you say he blames you for making him stay out drinking or whatever makes me feel really sad for you. He isn't willing to take responsibility for his own behaviour, and while you keep giving him chance after chance why should he?
You and the kids deserve better. Yes it will be painful and hard leaving him, but it will be even harder the longer you let things drift along as they are.
Hugs for you. Be strong.Good luck xx

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