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Paternity test help!

(17 Posts)
Runningmum84 Mon 23-May-16 23:23:22

Bit of a long story but I need some advice. My husband and I decided to try for a child together. I already have children from a previous relationship and he has one.

After getting married we tried for a year with no joy and decided to go to the doctors to see what was wrong. The tests we had done showed that my husband has 2 issues with his sperm giving us a 10-20% chance of conceiving naturally with an increase of only 20-40% with IVF.

During previous discussions about having children (before we even knew about our issues with conceiving) my husband told me that he had doubts that he is the biological father of his child. First of all they were not trying for a baby. He told me that his ex was taking the pill and had apparently forgot to take one tablet and that he had found hotel receipts on her credit card bill that he knew nothing about. His ex has always said that he is the father. But since we have had these tests we have doubted that he is the father even more.

As we can't afford IVF and it will be a while until we can, we have been trying to conceive and every month is a disappointment. It has been over two years since we started trying and ever year the chance gets slimmer because IVF has more of a chance the younger we are.

The problem is that I want to know if his child is biologically his. I want to know because if he is the dad then that gives me hope and I know that there is a good chance that he has done it before and so we can keep trying. My husband agreed that he should get a test but he was worried in case his child turns out not to be his, which I can fully understand. However after doing the swabs and sending them off he has changed his mind and decided that ignorance is bliss and that he doesn't want to know.

He has told me that I can read the results but not to tell him what they are. I don't know how I can do that but I also really want to know the results for my own sanity. I feel selfish but I can't change how I feel, I want to know if its realistic to keep hoping and it takes up so much emotionally every month.

My husband says that if his child isn't his it will tear him apart, but at the same time I am worried that if he isn't the child's father and his child finds out at a later date that he had a feeling that he wasn't, then they will resent him for not telling them.

Such a difficult situation and I don't know what to do for the best. Do i read the results or do I not and carry on wondering. If I do how can I keep them from him? I hope that his child is his to put his mind at rest and to give us the hope we want. If it turns out he isn't the father then we know IVF is probably our only hope but it will tear him apart.


Aussiebean Mon 23-May-16 23:39:44

Keep out of it.

It is his relationship with his children that matter her and he has decided that a bit of paper will ruin it so doesn't want to know.

You should not open it. Respect his wishes.

Aussiebean Mon 23-May-16 23:40:35

Doesn't the Nhs cover a couple of rounds of ivf?

Iflyaway Mon 23-May-16 23:45:17

Personally I think you need to be there for your own children. They are the ones that are here already....

Just my own two cents.

SandyY2K Mon 23-May-16 23:53:08

How can you read it and not tell him? That would be too much of a secret to keep for me.

A lot of men prefer to not find out when they have doubts. It's fear of the truth after they've loved that child so much.

If he'd rather not know.... you're best to leave it.

If he sees his child regularly then he is the only dad the child knows. I think the kid would be more angry with the mother for lying.

There's a post I read where mother knows her ExH isn't the dad, his family have told her not to say anything as they think he could have a breakdown and he knows his wife had an affair.

I do feel sorry for men in this situation.

Runningcray Tue 24-May-16 00:09:55

Aussiebean they don't cover IVF for people who have children already, even though my husband and I don't have a child together.
Iflyaway I am there for my children. They are getting older now and my eldest is almost out of junior school and so the gap is getting big between them and me having another, but I am and always have been there for me kids.
My husband doesn't talk much about it and I know he likes to bury his head in the sand about it but I just think that surely he will always wonder and reading the results will give him a final answer.
I could easily read it if the answer was positive that he was the dad and we could celebrate and he he would know for sure and we would have the hope there for trying to conceive ourselves.
But if it turns out he isn't then he would know by how I react I'm not that good an actress to try and hide it.
I guess I just don't understand how he can not want to know. I guess i'm not in his position and so can't imagine how hard it is. Just trying to get my head round it all.
I find it hard as my last pregnancy I miscarried (with my ex) and I have always hoped that I would have another child but it's all so uncertain and I just want to find some hope after 2 years of disappointment every month of trying.

Runningcray Tue 24-May-16 00:12:13

I meant that my eldest has left junior school and my youngest has almost left.

Isetan Tue 24-May-16 00:30:26

The results of a DNA test won't change the odds given now, for conceiving a child naturally. Your clutching at straws and pressuring someone into taking a test they're not ready for, in order to do so, is bang out of order. Go play amateur detective somewhere else.

HeddaGarbled Tue 24-May-16 06:30:13

I do understand why but you are being a bit bonkers. The percentage chances that you have been given are the true likelihood of conceiving. He had the same chances of conceiving before, age adjusted. So having conceived one child in the past or not does not make any difference to his chances of conceiving another nor that possibility any more or less likely.

You could talk to a medical professional to get them to explain this to you properly. Or maybe get some counselling to help you deal with your, very understandable, feelings about your difficulties conceiving.

Unfortunately, by becoming fixated on this, you have dug up a whole can of worms which is probably not going to go away anytime soon. You need to drop it right now and let your poor H deal with it in his own way.

JamesTiberiusKirk Tue 24-May-16 14:49:18

I think you are playing with fire. The paternity information is not yours to read or divulge. It is solely your husbands right to know or remain ignorant, and I would suggest you leave it be, as difficult as it may be for you.

I can understand how desperate you are to conceive, but I doubt the ray of light this result could potentially offer will represent anything long-lasting or concrete. It certainly won't materially effect your chance of conceiving now.

Think of the consequences for your relationship if you divulge the test result against your partner's wishes? Is it worth the chaos that could result from that decision?

TheNaze73 Tue 24-May-16 16:27:48

Don't even consider this

crazyhead Tue 24-May-16 18:38:39

I wouldn't open them, it is too big a thing to keep to yourself. I just don't think it is a route you should have gone down. It will prove nothing - that 10-20% gives you the info you need and you won't get more from this test.

You are obviously under huge stress with TTC but the potential for doing the wrong thing by his child is too great.

forumdonkey Tue 24-May-16 18:59:57

You knowing or not will not make you conceive. Support and respect your DH.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 24-May-16 19:23:54

I want to know because if he is the dad then that gives me hope and I know that there is a good chance that he has done it before and so we can keep trying

What do you mean by 'keep trying'? Are you saying that if it transpires that your h has not previously fathered a child you're going to stop having sex with him? confused

How old is the dc whose paternity is in question and what reason was given to him for taking the swab that's been sent for testing?

SandyY2K Tue 24-May-16 19:31:14


I doubt she means they'll stop having sex, but there is a difference with having sex with the hope of having a baby and just having sex.

That's why you hear couples saying we've been trying to have a baby for X number of years.

bumblebill Tue 24-May-16 20:37:20

My ex had a long term affair with a work colleague. I've recently realised there's a fair chance our teenager may not be mine. I prefer to be in doubt than take the risk of being proven correct, it would devastate both of us. For the sake of the father and the child I think you should shred that letter unopened. You won't be able to keep the knowledge from the father.

whoopthereitis Tue 24-May-16 21:54:53

The boat is rocky enough.

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