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advice needed please.

(15 Posts)
Bop33 Mon 23-May-16 18:17:01


First of all posting here for traffic. I'm a long time lurker, haven't posted my own thread before so I'm a bit nervous as to how this will be received. Anyway onto why I'm starting this thread.....

I'd like some advice, tips, direction, anything to help with how my life is at the minute. Feel like its a disaster, nothing is working for me, everything just feels like its falling down round me while I watch.

I'm a 33 year old single parent to a teen girl. I suffer from depression and have been diagnosed with gad, for which I'm on medication. I work in a job that is quite strict. I have been through a terrible few months/years and financially it has been really tough. I rang in sick a few times a few months ago and because of this was no longer being offered hours. I dont receive any benefits apart from tax credits so anything I had was going to bills and rent. Training is a must and has to be updated regularly, but because iv been feeling so low I convinced myself I would panic in the training, which I have done before. Iv avoided it for a while and today it came to a head and until I update my training I no longer have hours. I'm ashamed of myself and just feel like a failure in everything I do. Theres a lot more to my story and what iv went through in the past, but this means struggling financially again. Barely being able to pay bills. Making sure I dont eat much so my daughter has enough and money for other things.

I barely go out of the house, I have no hobbies no matter how hard I try to think of something I can enjoy. I know I'm depressed, my GP just palm me off with medication, I have no mental health support, my family are no support and I don't see them or talk to them. I have no friends, nobody I can talk to or reach out to.

My only purpose is my daughter. Shes the reason I get up in the morning and she's getting to the age where she wont need me anymore. I'm sad, and feel hopeless every day. I have fire in me and havnt had for a long time.

I'm dreading having to go to my workplace now in the next few days to speak with the lady who trains me. Shes quite intimidating and I know I'm 100% in the wrong with not updating the training when I should. I feel like I'm about to lose my job. Iv lost who I am. When I first had my daughter I was 18. I was back at college 2 weeks after I had her. I worked full time, lived on my own, went to college full time....

I'm not good enough or feel not good enough to have a partner, I dont feel worthy of anything or anyone. I'm talking too much now. I just want to know how can I attempt to get my life in some sort of order. Iv been to counselling so many times and in on meds so any suggestions other than that if possible? I can go a bit more into my past if needed, I wont here as this is getting far too long. Thanks in advance for any help /suggestions.

I'm sure your not failing, your just having a shit time of things and you are coping with it all alone. Hopefully someone much more informed than me will come along next with some good please don't be so hard on yourself life can be a bloody relentless slog sometimes.

Bop33 Mon 23-May-16 19:07:13

Thank you sfaok, it is relentless indeed. Thank you for replying smile

pocketsaviour Mon 23-May-16 19:20:07

Can you make a plan for sorting things out in the immediate future (i.e update your training) and then another plan for getting into a better line of work?

I am guessing you're in care work on a zero hours contract (no need to confirm or deny if you're worried about outing) and quite frankly if you are then I don't blame you for feeling intimidated about asking for training and I also wonder if your job situation is worsening your depression. I worked in care for a year (in the office, not in the field) and I found it incredibly depressing with the stupidly high demands put on the staff, the lack of interest in actual patient care from the senior management, and the frankly bloody awful state of social services and the NHS. A lot of our staff were at breaking point and being asked to do so many hours they were at the point of collapse, and so upset because if they over-stayed an appointment because the patient needed help, they would be penalised!

(If you actually work in catering and you've let your Food Hygiene certification lapse, everything I said still stands, because catering is bloody stressful as well!)

So - immediate plans: call your office and make arrangements to get your training up to date. Then: speak to whoever in your office arranges shifts, be really honest with them and explain you've been having a shit time, but you're recovered now and you really want to work, and can they commit to giving you X hours per week. Don't threaten to look elsewhere because they'll just cut your hours even more.

Once you've got your immediate situation sorted, then maybe it's time to start planning for an escape to a different career where you would have contracted hours? The regularity might also mean you could start looking at hobbies or interests which up to now you haven't been able to commit to.

I get the feeling you've been living like you're a passenger in your own life for a long time, doing things for others and putting yourself last. Time to start living for Bop, perhaps? flowers

Livedandlearned Mon 23-May-16 19:21:50

Can you look into retraining in a new career? You'd be entitled to funding and it would relieve some of the pressure you're currently under. Something interesting, a fresh start. All the best btw

Bop33 Mon 23-May-16 19:43:50

Pocketsaviour, I'm in care, yes. Thank you for your really helpful post. My employer are aware of my current situation, that's the worst thing about it. Instead of offering help they seem to be punishing me for being how I am which in turn is making me feel even more defeated. I have been honest with them, its got me nowhere. Honestly I would love to leave but financially I cant. I have organised to do the training, but its as and when the training is available, so it will be another three weeks before I'm allowed to work. Just seems to get worse and worse all the time.
They wont commit to giving me a set amount of hours per week. I have asked so many times. I love my job but not the other side of it all. Its so frustrating feeling like I'm banging my head against a brick wall.

And your right, I am a passenger in my own life. Think I have took so many knock downs now I cant get up anymore. I was thinking there are so many people who would be grateful to have a life with good physical health and I just feel like I abuse that. I'm allowing myself to be a Waste '. I dont stick up for myself properly, I feel so beneath everyone. Even my own daughter. I dont mean to be all woe is me, I really don't. I find it hard to properly express how I feel with words.

Thanks again for your advice.

Bop33 Mon 23-May-16 19:46:29

With regards the new career. That would possibly mean going back to university. I'm 33 and I think I'm maybe too old? Plus, how I'm feeling at the minute, I wil probably fail at that too. I cant seem to start something with the goal of finishing it. That's why I don't bother starting anything anymore. I have no goals, I live my life day to day. That's all I can do at the minute.

Bop33 Mon 23-May-16 20:00:29

Also, dont know if this is relevant. Because I at home all the time I'm not working, I have no hobbies dont do anything else, I sleep during the day as well at night. I can sleep for hours. I get so tired. I look like crap today. Pale and dark circles under my eyes. I'm miserable and hate this rut I have gotten into but have absolutely no idea how to get out of it and stay out of it.

niceupthedance Mon 23-May-16 20:12:40

OP I suffered from anxiety which was so bad I couldn't do my shifts so I sympathise. What helped me was a walk once a day and also a hypnosis cd - of course you can get apps now. Listen to it every day. Not the solution to all your problems I know, but maybe start small until you can get on your training in a few weeks.

Bop33 Mon 23-May-16 21:23:50

Thank you niceupthedance. I used to go out walking a lot but I stopped. I should try that, thanks for your reply smile

Bop33 Mon 23-May-16 23:59:38

Anybody else please?

Calientejulia Tue 24-May-16 09:23:45

Hi Bop, you sound like a great parent to your teen ! I noticed you mentioned being too old to university; I work at a uni and I can reassure you that at 33 you would be a youngster (at my uni anyway). Please don't let age put you off . Perhaps you could explore what is on offer in terms of access to higher education courses - your local further education college or local uni (if you have one) should be able to help. I have seen many 'mature' students flourish and completely change their view of what they are capable of; really inspiring. Even if this isn't for you right now it might be something to aim for , heck maybe even go to uni with your teen ! If you want to stay in care in some form then perhaps look at foundation degree for assistant practitioners, nursing or there are lots of other health related professions of course. I hope that is useful

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-May-16 09:37:24

I have a friend who qualified as a midwife when she was 40 so 33 is nothing. She is so glad she did it.
Even my sister is studying for another MBA and she is mid 50's!
You are never too old to try something new or improve yourself.

I've no advice with regards to depression as I've no experience (and I am thankful for that)
Does your GP surgery have another GP you could talk to about everything?
Have you had CBT?

I'm sorry you are feeling like this but you sound like a fab and loving mother.

Bop33 Tue 24-May-16 11:11:56

Thank you both for your replies. I would love to go back to university to be honest. I have looked at open university before but not sure I qualify for fees and I couldn't afford them otherwise. I definitely dont want to stay in the care industry. Not because of the job itself, I love it and have a fantastic rapport with a lot of clients, but because of the office side of it. Its been a nightmare the past year.

With regards my gp. I have seen four different gps in my practice. All aware of my diagnosis of gad, I have asked for mental health support but never have I been offered a cpn?

I'm smart, I know what I have to do to make sure my daughter thrives but I get very overwhelmed with the responsibility of every day life, which makes me avoid things. Its a vicious circle.

Sorry hellbells, forgot to add, I have had cbt. Unfortunately, because I have no support network my counsellor said it would not be ethical for him to continue delving into my past because he feared a nervous breakdown and again because I have no support network he couldn't do that. That's very sad for me, because unlike some people, I'm lucky to have a mother but unfortunately she doesn't have anything to do with my child or I. I dont think she can cope with how I get down, she has never been maternal. I, on the other hand vowed I would never treat my own daughter like that, but because of the stress of everything I feel like I'm distancing myself from her. She is the reason I want to get better and sorted. She deserves that. I'm very proud of how my daughter has turned out but I cant take any of the credit. She has a wise head on her wee shoulders.

Waffling again, I have no fire in me to try and sort it. I feel like no matter how hard I try to change things, it always comes back to where I am now. Thanks again for your replies, I really appreciate being able to speak with someone.

Calientejulia Tue 24-May-16 22:26:04

Hi again Bop , re fees you should be eligible for student loan to cover fees (this is then paid back via wages once you earn over a certain threshold, so it's not an upfront cost at all) and I am pretty sure this applies to OU now too. If you ever want to make the enquiry I am very sure that any uni would be very happy to answer your funding questions (including OU) and there will be open days you can go to as well (these are really friendly so don't be intimidated). But this sounds like more of a long term strategy rather than for the immediate future but it is great to have something to potentially aim for? I have seen so many nervous 'mature' learners come into their own and flourish in a way that I find completely inspiring
In the meantime I hope you find some support that helps you and there are alternatives to cbt - keep pushing. And good luck with your journey

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