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complicated family - mum/sister/niece

(16 Posts)
kiki22 Mon 23-May-16 17:25:17

I'm hoping to get some advice on a quite complicated situation may be quite long but I want to get it all in.

9years ago my niece was born, my sister was a single teen mum and didn't cope regularly dropped the baby off and left for hours/days the longest 10 days. My mum and I picks up the slack a lot of the time my mum kept dn lots, I babysat while not at work took her places and paid for nursery so she wasn't stuck at home with my sister (I was 20 and single)

I moved out of my mums when my niece was 4 in with dp and had ds i kept up having my niece regularly however had to withdraw lots of financial help didn't go down well but I wasn't working full time and had a house and baby. After my sister decided a pet would give her a reason to get up the pet pee'd and poo'd all over the house my mum tool my niece home and she's been there since so its been 3 years at my mums.

The problem I'm having I that now my mum has custody of dn she gets benefits for her and full parental decisions, I'm still expected to take care of dn on a regular basis, I had to buy bunk beds so she could stay over, if we go a family trip dn comes and if we go on holiday I take dn with me. When it comes to ds my mum takes a hands off approach she says shes already took on one grandchild that enough she grudges having him at all, which is fair enough but ds cant understand why she isn't keep on him coming round or sleeping over since dn is here a lot they don't get why he cant have sleepovers at her house.

I'm having another baby and feel like this has gone on to long now I'm paying for holidays and Xmas and birthdays for a child I have no say in her life, everything we do as a family includes dn but ds is excluded when my mum does holidays/days out. Also my mum spooils dn and i then have to deal with her bad behaviour when she complains to granny about being told off granny says 'auntie Kiki is to strict don't worry. I don't know how to take a step back without making dn feel rejected. My mum says I starter of taking her I cant change now, is she right? Am I being selfish. Its just so much we cant afford to go to Disney land because I cant afford to take 2 kids but my mum is taking dn on holiday so they go we don't go.

So

kiki22 Mon 23-May-16 17:26:03

Sorry that as so long!

CodyKing Mon 23-May-16 17:34:57

It sounds like you and DM co-parent DN and you've left to have another family - which DM isn't part of

So No! You aren't her second mom - you have your own responsibilities and they are to your family and husband -

Start saying no, unless it suits you.

How old is DS?

kiki22 Mon 23-May-16 17:40:50

Ds is 4 old enough now to notice the difference is how he and dn are treated but not really old enough to understand why.

I should have said ive offered (pleaded) to have dn live with us full time since my mum struggles alone with child related stuff and financially but she refuses.

IronDuchess Mon 23-May-16 19:19:31

Hi OP, I was the 'Dn' in a very similar situation, although in my case I chose to live with my grandparents when my Mum got married. My Uncle played a big part in my life and I would regularly spend time with him and his family. Before his children came along he bought me fabulous birthday, Xmas presents etc but had to scale down when he had his own children to buy for. I must admit I found it hard at the time, couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. He would also include me in days out etc and this continued throughout my childhood. It was really good of him and his wife and made me feel very much a part of their family. However, now looking back on it I think it must have been really difficult for his children and they've pretty much told me as much. I'm not particularly close to his kids now and they have hinted that they were jealous and bitter about me being 'part of their family unit' and also that my Grandparents spent more time with me than them. Now having a child of my own, I completely understand where they are coming from. I think you have 2 choices:

1. Scale back bit by bit so it's not a complete shock. Very slowly pull away.
2. Think about whether it would be better for your niece if you had custody of her mad if so speak to a solicitor about applying for custody.

I don't think you can carry on as you are because it isn't fair on your children. Your Mum must accept that you can't be as involved as you were previously because now you have your own family and commitments.

wannabestressfree Mon 23-May-16 19:23:12

Can't you approach your sister about applying for custody of dn?

Yoksha Mon 23-May-16 19:33:30

I think you need to have a serious chat with your mum. She can't have it all her way! Can you write a letter spelling it out. If I received a letter from my Dd voicing her side of matters, then I'd have to seriously consider it.

At first I thought this was my Dd2 writing because we have similar family dynamics. My Dgd is 18 now & Dgs 16. My Dd1 had her Dd when 16. We have fascilitated her & support her to allow her to work p/t. She's a nightmare. Lives in another house we own. She's got 2 dogs. Spends all her time in her bed that's possible. The kids are practically self sufficient. They are on their 5th step-dad. I kid you not. She does minimal housework. I've not been at the house in 18mnths. My Dh won't allow me. He said I'd be very upset at its deterioration.

I can feel your pain on some level. You need to set your mum straight on this believe me sooner rather than later.

kiki22 Mon 23-May-16 19:56:37

wannabe my sister would just say no because she's working on getting dn back so there's no point as she coming home though that's not going to happen anytime soon if ever.

It's so hard because I love my niece so much I'd love to have her here I think she would thrive here but I know I would have to fight hard and even of I won it would ruin the family relationships which can't be good for dn, I have a feeling me fighting for her would spur my sister into she's my kid I'm having her so it would be a 3 way fight no one would be happy.

Yoksha the exact thing that bothers me is its all her way she was so against us having another baby because of the effect on dn but I think tbh it worry's her not having on tap babysitting and me not paying for as many trips etc for dn, things like well you will need a bigger car you cant expect her to squeeze between 2 car seats (dn v tall so doesn't use one now) when I said I'm not getting a bigger car she thinks I'm excluding dn.

So far every attempt to talk has ended in me being accused of replacing dn with my own kids and her telling me it's cruel to cast her out when really all I'm talking about is mum paying for some trips and her not undermining me, also her taking DS put more (I would fund this) so he doesn't feel left out or us taking DS alone so they get equal trips/one on one time.

kiki22 Mon 23-May-16 19:59:31

Also my mum's reason for dn needing more time/love/attention is she doesn't have any solid parents DS has two therefore doesn't need as much emotionally it's hard to argue it without coming off uncaring.

TheBouquets Mon 23-May-16 20:04:10

Goodness. It just shows that there are a lot of complicated families around and it is not just me. The aunt on the other side of some children's family could have written similarly except that my family were willing to help out but were ignored by them and others.

Yoksha Mon 23-May-16 20:53:04

Kiki, you need to set new boundaries. Your mum is behaving totally unreasonable here. She's manipulating you. She doesn't get to dictate to you on this level. I know it's an old cliche, but you can't make an omlette without breaking eggs. Seems you're dammed if you attack it whatever way. You're literally between a rock & a hard place. Can your Dh not step in and support you? This is the future of his family too. Your mum really needs to waken up and smell the coffee. I suggest you deal with this as resentment is going to take you down a road that there's no coming back from.

Oh I despair at those who are blind & selfish. Do you have a close relative that can help you approach your mum? She doesn't get to dictate on this level. It's just bonkers for you to allow this.

Imbroglio Mon 23-May-16 21:15:48

What solution is your sister proposing? Is is feasible that she could take back her daughter with support from you and your mum?

QuiteLikely5 Mon 23-May-16 21:30:43

You have been very kind and considerate towards your DN but you have your own child to think about.

You are not responsible for your DN and your mother is using emotional blackmail to manipulate you into doing things for your DN that she should be doing.

Learn to say NO. Your own ds is being cast aside and your mother has got a nerve, she isn't sounding grateful to you at all.

kiki22 Mon 23-May-16 21:52:32

My mum doesn't really like men so dp stepping in ends up causing more hassle, I am close to my mum she is selfish and closed minded but I try to let it go if I look back to my gran I can see where it started she still spoils my mum and won't hear a bad word about her this has led my mum to believe she's right all the time then bad experiences with men have made her bitter toward men, I think she would rather do wasn't in the picture though she's not self aware enough to even know this about herself.

My sister is just a mess tbh she's bipolar frequently drinks and messes up on medication but was also the youngest and my mum babied her and spoiled her like she had been herself. I was also spoiled and listened to my mum's crap until I got to about 19 and realised acting like a diva to get my way was no way to go through life. I'm afraid dn is also following down this path she is becoming hard to deal with. God my life story is coming out now!

I guess I maybe just need to quietly take baby steps back.

MaryEllen1 Mon 23-May-16 21:57:51

I think you do need to take baby steps back from the situation. Your mum needs to understand that she is your DN and not your child and the responsibility is not yours, if you had custody then different story but you don't.

You're responsible for your children foremost
and any time you can help with DN should be welcomed and appreciated not made to feel guilty about it when it seems you have done alot for her already.

britmodgirl Mon 23-May-16 22:20:43

Poor kids sad

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