Hi, this is my first ever post so please be gentle... and I'm sorry it's so hugely long. I'm in a right pickle.
I'm trying to split from my DH, finding it so hard to be strong and follow through. I said it was over 2 mths ago and we're still in the same house all together with kids. He's not exactly EA, is a kind and good man when well, but definitely manipulative, in that I find myself agonising over how to prevent his strongly emotional reactions, and dreading fallout from me making decisions. Also alcohol abuse on his part. He's on long-term sick leave (1.5 years) due to stress and depression which is he says all my fault for not loving him enough... We've had several months at relate, the counsellor thinks him manipulative. Whatever the reasons or fault, the atmosphere is horrid and I need to not be in this relationship any more. My anxiety is through the roof. The children also need to be in a relaxed home. We can keep up the pleasant behaviour at weekends but it's strained and arguments are common (him shouting about killing himself etc).
We have enough capital to split so that he can buy a 2 bed flat outright and live for over a year without money worries, and he feels he is on his way to finding work. Having meetings etc.
My problem is that he won't leave as he 'can't do anything' due to MH issues. Says it'll be several months before he's able to go. But on the other hand he insists that the children need to stay with me in this house, and that's the long-term plan. I've said a few times that if he won't go then I'll have to and he can keep the house for a year before I'll ask for my half of the equity. He shouts that if I try to take them into rented he'll see me in court. This terrifies me of course.
Partly this delaying is trying to make me change my mind, he tries to get me to come back to our bed, thinks this is all other people putting ideas in my head.
Sorry, this is so much longer than I planned! Essentially, my dilemma is whether to stay in the home, trying to be pleasant, waiting for H to be well enough to leave - following which his plan is that his 50% of the childcare will happen at my house.
My alternative is to go into rented now, taking the children and having to do 100% childcare plus demanding job while he sulks/rants, and then have all the fallout of anger. I don't love our house, and quite like the idea of renting then later on buying somewhere that's just mine. But we are happy here for now, and it feels crazy moving the children unnecessarily if H is eventually willing for us to keep the house.
Also this year we have to apply for school for DD which puts an extra twist on it. I am afraid to put anywhere in writing that the house (with H) is primary carer if we are renting out of catchment, in case we do go to court over the children.
I feel like the answer is screaming at me (along with friends): LEAVE, because he never will. But he might! I dread the upheaval, the confusion/distress for the poor children (esp if H is going to be angry and emotional), the uncertainty, the cost, his family hating me because the narrative becomes that I have taken the children away. And the escalation to a legal dispute or a hateful co-parenting relationship going forward.
I also hugely value the idea of the children keeping just one home, which is H's idea, and maybe that could work. Us cooperating in the interests of the children. I do want to always be there while they need me. Has anyone else done this, kept the children in one place with one parent and the other one parachutes in to do their part of the childcare? I can see it being a good solution in some circs, what worries me is that our circs (his issues) are not conducive to this working out. I would feel still under his beady eye somehow and the house wouldn't feel properly 'mine'. Don't know if I can put the children's needs so far ahead of my own.
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Relationships
all the childcare at my house? (sorry, this is so long)
CollectedWorks · 23/05/2016 10:45
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