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all the childcare at my house? (sorry, this is so long)

29 replies

CollectedWorks · 23/05/2016 10:45

Hi, this is my first ever post so please be gentle... and I'm sorry it's so hugely long. I'm in a right pickle.

I'm trying to split from my DH, finding it so hard to be strong and follow through. I said it was over 2 mths ago and we're still in the same house all together with kids. He's not exactly EA, is a kind and good man when well, but definitely manipulative, in that I find myself agonising over how to prevent his strongly emotional reactions, and dreading fallout from me making decisions. Also alcohol abuse on his part. He's on long-term sick leave (1.5 years) due to stress and depression which is he says all my fault for not loving him enough... We've had several months at relate, the counsellor thinks him manipulative. Whatever the reasons or fault, the atmosphere is horrid and I need to not be in this relationship any more. My anxiety is through the roof. The children also need to be in a relaxed home. We can keep up the pleasant behaviour at weekends but it's strained and arguments are common (him shouting about killing himself etc).

We have enough capital to split so that he can buy a 2 bed flat outright and live for over a year without money worries, and he feels he is on his way to finding work. Having meetings etc.

My problem is that he won't leave as he 'can't do anything' due to MH issues. Says it'll be several months before he's able to go. But on the other hand he insists that the children need to stay with me in this house, and that's the long-term plan. I've said a few times that if he won't go then I'll have to and he can keep the house for a year before I'll ask for my half of the equity. He shouts that if I try to take them into rented he'll see me in court. This terrifies me of course.

Partly this delaying is trying to make me change my mind, he tries to get me to come back to our bed, thinks this is all other people putting ideas in my head.

Sorry, this is so much longer than I planned! Essentially, my dilemma is whether to stay in the home, trying to be pleasant, waiting for H to be well enough to leave - following which his plan is that his 50% of the childcare will happen at my house.

My alternative is to go into rented now, taking the children and having to do 100% childcare plus demanding job while he sulks/rants, and then have all the fallout of anger. I don't love our house, and quite like the idea of renting then later on buying somewhere that's just mine. But we are happy here for now, and it feels crazy moving the children unnecessarily if H is eventually willing for us to keep the house.

Also this year we have to apply for school for DD which puts an extra twist on it. I am afraid to put anywhere in writing that the house (with H) is primary carer if we are renting out of catchment, in case we do go to court over the children.

I feel like the answer is screaming at me (along with friends): LEAVE, because he never will. But he might! I dread the upheaval, the confusion/distress for the poor children (esp if H is going to be angry and emotional), the uncertainty, the cost, his family hating me because the narrative becomes that I have taken the children away. And the escalation to a legal dispute or a hateful co-parenting relationship going forward.

I also hugely value the idea of the children keeping just one home, which is H's idea, and maybe that could work. Us cooperating in the interests of the children. I do want to always be there while they need me. Has anyone else done this, kept the children in one place with one parent and the other one parachutes in to do their part of the childcare? I can see it being a good solution in some circs, what worries me is that our circs (his issues) are not conducive to this working out. I would feel still under his beady eye somehow and the house wouldn't feel properly 'mine'. Don't know if I can put the children's needs so far ahead of my own.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2016 11:09

CW

Kind and good men are not manipulative men. Yours is a master of manipulation and he is still manipulating you big time. His own emotional abuse of you is still putting you through the wringer primarily because you have not managed to get this twat out of your home. He needs to be gone and he's a right one to be making such demands. He cannot do that, he is not above the law here so find your inner strength and fight back through legal means for you and your children. Coercive control is now a criminal offence after all, that is also what he is doing here.

Re your comment:-
"Essentially, my dilemma is whether to stay in the home, trying to be pleasant, waiting for H to be well enough to leave - following which his plan is that his 50% of the childcare will happen at my house.

My alternative is to go into rented now, taking the children and having to do 100% childcare plus demanding job while he sulks/rants, and then have all the fallout of anger. I don't love our house, and quite like the idea of renting then later on buying somewhere that's just mine. But we are happy here for now, and it feels crazy moving the children unnecessarily if H is eventually willing for us to keep the house".

If anyone leaves the house its him. You have children and you are their primary carer. Why should you all up and leave?.

Do not go along with any of his ideas; its all part of his ongoing plan to control you all even once you are out of his direct grasp. I would trust this man only as far as I could throw him; he is completely untrustworthy and will go back on his word or deny ever saying such things. Such men really do not let go of their chosen victims (the plural here is deliberate) easily and this man is going to take years of your life from now on to recover from. All this is part of his plan to control you still, he's not as ill as he makes out to be. He's punishing you for having the gall in his eyes to leave him, yes him this perfect specimen in his warped mind.

Have you actually sought legal advice to date from a lawyer who also has vast experience in dealing with such manipulative men?. You really need to see such a person. How is this individual actually a fit person to look after his children?. He is really enjoying this, the power and control he still has over you all and it goes without saying that the plans he has re the children and house are all his and his alone. You've had no say in the matter and he does not want you to have any say either. His ideas are all for his benefit only.

Re this comment:-
"I feel like the answer is screaming at me (along with friends): LEAVE, because he never will. But he might! I dread the upheaval, the confusion/distress for the poor children (esp if H is going to be angry and emotional), the uncertainty, the cost, his family hating me because the narrative becomes that I have taken the children away. And the escalation to a legal dispute or a hateful co-parenting relationship going forward".

He is not readily going to leave he has this all worked out and has you where he wants you; in the house and ripe for further controlling. I could not give a toss about his family actually and what they think; they're the ones who have made him abusive after all. They are likely to be as abusive as he is, they'll side with him ultimately leaving you high and dry.

This man will drag this out for as long as you enable it and he is able to; he is emotionally abusive and gets a rise from seeing you and in turn his children suffer. All this person cares about is him. You are really bit part players and he alone is in the centre of his universe. He wants you to be the bad person here so he can go around telling all his useless mates, "oh she left me".

These tactics are all pretty much typical of what such emotionally abusive controlling types do; its textbook really.

In order to help others i.e. your children you have to help your own self first. You have been putting your own self now long enough dead last and this bloke took full advantage of you; you were targeted by him.