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rejected but he won't divorce me

(21 Posts)
DailyMailGOFuckOff Sun 22-May-16 20:21:49

He's behaving like a child. I know this. Yet I love him, dearly.

It's been 4 years of him ripping my heart out, taking all my dreams away and throwing our marriage out as though it was a school fling not a marriage that produced a child and grew out of a friendship for years before we got hitched.

It hurts so unbelievably badly that every time I wonder why he's not divorced me yet, I hope he might have come to his senses only to be told he's just not going to stress himself out with it right now.

I know I will be asked on thread why I haven't divorced him myself- I don't want to. I want to reconcile. I'm still stupidly in love with him and if he could rise out of this depression he's been sucked into, I think there would be a hope.

wowxx Sun 22-May-16 21:00:57

How long were you married for? Why does he want to get divorced?

DailyMailGOFuckOff Sun 22-May-16 21:17:31

Married 7 years - been together about 10 I think.

Wants the divorce because "what we went through was enough to end any marriage" shit hit the fan but no more than anybody else has to deal with in life

We had a truly hard time. But I know lots of couples who go through truly hard times - family bereavements, illness, mental health issues etc who don't opt out of their marriages because life is stressful

Lweji Sun 22-May-16 21:45:44

It does depend.
What happened?

It is odd, though, that he doesn't want a divorce. Or he's hoping you'll agree to it eventually?

HeddaGarbled Sun 22-May-16 21:49:02

Or he's a cruel shit and is enjoying seeing you suffer.

DailyMailGOFuckOff Sun 22-May-16 22:43:55

I've agreed to divorce, I won't make a fuss - it's down to signing some papers. Everything else is effectively already sorted out amicably so it's not like I'm going to fight him for assets.

Quite a few things happened, not related to each other and at different times. Yes they are all tough to go through but they're not unique - pretty much everyone goes through most at some point in their lives. I'm not meaning to be vague but they really don't stand out over any other family.

For me it's a case of morality, I'm not going to move on or fully believe and accept it until the day the marriage is 100% over.

TheNaze73 Sun 22-May-16 22:49:58

I don't understand why you'd want to stay married to someone that doesn't want you? You deserve far better

Costacoffeeplease Sun 22-May-16 23:00:41

Me neither - where's your self respect?

DailyMailGOFuckOff Sun 22-May-16 23:00:42

Because I love him, I meant my marriage vows and believe in marriage as a sacred institution. Whilst I know I deserve better it's not about wanting to stay with someone who doesn't want me. Of course I don't want to stay in a relationship with him whilst he doesn't want me. We pretty much live seperate lives now. I'm just old school/old fashioned (as was he prior to us getting hitched) about marriage being lifelong and bar abuse/adultery not something that you give up on

AnyFucker Sun 22-May-16 23:04:35

what are you hanging on for though ?

a piece of paper ? a meaningless ring on your finger ?

while you wallow in self pity, time is a wastin'

get busy with the rest of your life

he doesn't want you, but he wants the ego boost of you making it clear you will accept any crumbs from his table

that's noit a life, it's an existence in thrall to a man that doesn't deserve it

HeddaGarbled Sun 22-May-16 23:04:49

Abuse can be emotional as well as physical.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 22-May-16 23:05:48

Well he's given up on it, you can't make a marriage work on your own

AnyFucker Sun 22-May-16 23:05:53

when he finds some other woman mug to marry, you will be thrown out like old newspaper

right now, it suits him to have your strings to jerk

until it no longer suits....

SandyY2K Sun 22-May-16 23:16:53

Maybe he's been told it will cost him quite a bit in alimony and CS and decided to leave it for a while.

I think while he's doing nothing divorce wise you should start living your life and act like he's not there.

If he doesn't treat you like a wife then don't act like a wife or do things for him that a wife would do.

Let him see what it's like to be divorced as that's what he wants.

Right now you are living in semi limbo and he's in control of the status of your marriage really

You might already do these things, but if not start to :

Dress up nicely
Try out a new hairdo or makeover
Be unavailable in the evenings and go out with friends.
Take up a hobby to occupy your time
Don't discuss the future with him
Appear happy and just be civil with him

You can't change how he feels. Start taking care of you .

MistressDeeCee Sun 22-May-16 23:34:06

It does no good to let a man who doesn't want you see that you will put up with any old crap so long as you can be near him. It invites scorn. I think he will eventually dump you when he is good and ready, thus taking away your intention of hanging on for dear life anyway.

DailyMailGOFuckOff Sun 22-May-16 23:36:37

I do do all those things, I'm not sitting around moping. He will call me now and then, we see each other when he collects my son and we've had amicable occasions together - taking my son to various things. But that's it really. He lives elsewhere, we have different friendship groups. It will cost him the several hundred it costs to actually do it but nothing more. We've done mediation, live seperately, have already sorted everything that would happen in a divorce - it's just really the final bit left. We did the rest 4 years ago and although we've had a time during that we got back together - we didn't move back in together or actually change anything in practical terms so there was nothing to do when that ended.

Smorgasboard Sun 22-May-16 23:45:06

You know, most people are attracted by someone who has the strength to stand on their own two feet and wont take any crap off others. Sounds like you are the opposite, dependency at any cost is a total turn off.
If you want to stand any chance of him taking note of you, your best bet is to show him at every opportunity that you are fine without him. Go out and have fun without him, you may start to believe it yourself after a while.

Lweji Mon 23-May-16 06:21:03

I'd want to stop those calls and nice conversations and finally sign the papers.
It's not healthy for you to still be hoping after all this time. And quite frankly I wouldn't want him back even if he decided he wanted to have a go at the marriage again.

Isetan Mon 23-May-16 07:43:06

Him not divorcing you isn't a sign he wants to stay married (you've already seperated), it's a sign he can't be arsed to. I luuuuurve him, taking your vows seriously are the things you tell yourself so you don't have to admit you are enabling him to treat you like crap. Your happiness is your responsibility and if you continue to delegate the responsibility of your emotional wellbeing to someone who obviously doesn't give a shit, then this is what you get.

You have choices and letting him walk all over you is a choice, not a recommended one but a choice nether the less.

firesidechat Mon 23-May-16 08:58:45

I'm a Christian op and also take my vows very seriously (I think most people do and it doesn't make you or I special), but I am married to a decent man and staying married isn't a chore.

Having said that, I wouldn't stay married to someone who didn't love me and didn't want to be with me, I have too much self respect for that. You don't get any Brownie points for staying in a marriage which is in name only. It's not a marriage if you don't live together and have effectively separated and he doesn't love you. This marriage is a millstone around your neck, rather than a sacred institution and I think divorcing him is the only option for the sake of your mental health.

Smorgasboard Mon 23-May-16 19:04:03

Sorry x posted yesterday, you clearly already both have your own lives, so job done other than paper. Some people see their divorce as a mark of their failure and are not willing to accept that, and so the legal attachment continues, whereas some confuse ending the legal connection with separating from the family, even though the split did that already.
He may be concerned, wrongly, about detachment from his son.

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