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So angry with dh- can't move house

(85 Posts)
mrsmoustache Sun 22-May-16 20:03:09

Posting for advice as I'm not sure what to do or where to go next.
About 6 years ago I found out that dh had not being paying the mortgage and had run up debts of £25,000. This had been happening over a period of 2 years, but he didn't tell me or give me any signs that we were struggling. I found out when I opened a letter from the mortgage people.
Cue lots of upset and me feeling like I couldn't trust him. He says he was trying to protect me. I took over paying for the mortgage (I had recently returned to work after looking after our 3 children) and both our parents helped us clear the arrears.
Dh took an extra job- a couple of evenings and his parents gave him a monthly amount and over time he cleared the debt.
Last year, he said he only had a small amount outstanding, so we decided to move house. Everything was sorted, mortgage advisor said despite previous debts it was all good. However (you guessed it) at the last minute we couldn't get a mortgage because of outstanding repayments. Everything fell through, lost an amazing house and I was pretty devastated. Anyway, picked myself up made a plan to clear everything and try again the following year. So all paid off 2months ago and have just been waiting for the credit report to update. Dh told me this week that his credit score has gone further down, not up. He says this is because he now has no debt.
I'm desperate to move house - not for me but the kids. 5 of us in a 3 bed with my eldest (18) sharing with my youngest (12) and my middle child (6ft) in a tiny box room. They are desperate for space and privacy.
Because it is effecting them, I'm so upset and angry at Dh. We're trapped despite having a good combined income (70k).
On some levels, I know it's not his fault- I should have been more on the ball and he's tried to sort things. He's a good dad, loves me too much and does more than his fair share, but I can't stop feeling angry with him.
I guess I'll have to take out some sort of loan and extend the house, but I didn't want the upheaval with 2 children in exam years.
Thanks for reading if you've got this far- any advice?

Jimjamjoos Sun 22-May-16 20:23:30

I can't imagine how stressful this has been for you. Can you find out some advice from a professional re your position?

PeppasNanna Sun 22-May-16 20:26:00

This was all your dh fault...

There must be another way to 'repair' his credit. Could you seek independent financial advice?

Toffeelatteplease Sun 22-May-16 20:27:26

Are you sure he's not lying and has further debts he is hiding?

Lying about finances and putting your home at risk us a massive deal breaker for me. Tbh all he has learnt is that if he makes a mess everyone sorts it out for him

pocketsaviour Sun 22-May-16 20:37:48

Dh told me this week that his credit score has gone further down, not up. He says this is because he now has no debt.

Hahaha, no. That is not how it works. What does his credit report actually say? You need full transparency from him now if you're to keep your finances shackled to this feckless fool.

Personally I'd cut my losses and go for a full legal and financial separation so he can't drag you and the kids down with him.

Funko Sun 22-May-16 20:42:22

Actually that can be true. When I split with exh and we sold the house (and I now rent) my credit score dropped through the floor the month after the sale because I no longer had an enormous debt! You'd have thought it would have increased. There are many factors but also a factor of percentage of 'credit' in use. So the mortgage was no longer there so it affected the score.

mrsmoustache Sun 22-May-16 20:45:48

That's not the response I was expecting! I thought you'd say I should take more responsibility for the situation.

I'll ask to see his credit report so I can check it really is all sorted. I gave him a grand to clear the last bit so it best be...

I was thinking of making an appointment with a financial advisor- but I don't want someone who's trying to sell things. I just need to know the best was of getting out of this black hole.

Pocket- that is how I'm feeling but thought I perhaps wasn't seeing things clearly as I'm upset.

DaveCamoron Sun 22-May-16 20:47:56

As Funko said he might be telling the truth, this happened to a friend of mine.

Misselthwaite Sun 22-May-16 20:49:32

You need to see his credit score as I wouldn't trust him at all in your position. As an alternative to buying could you rent out your current house and rent a bigger house? I appreciate buying would be better but if might be worth it to move quickly.

RememberToSmile1980 Sun 22-May-16 20:55:07

Hi OP
Sorry to hear you're going through so much stress. You do need to see his credit report. You can go onto Noddle - Google it. It's free but you will need to set up a username and password. You will be able to see your own credit file and DH's as well if you know all of his details (although it's best to ask him of course!) My DH set it up last year before we moved house to keep a track on our credit files to ensure nothing would hamper us when we actually went to get a new mortgage. I hope it helps you. Good luck

mrsmoustache Sun 22-May-16 21:00:22

I'm pretty sure he's telling the truth. He knows I'm on the edge of leaving and if I found more lies I'd go.

We could try to rent our house out- the problem is we've not spent much on it over the past few years because we were looking to move. It really needs a new kitchen and bathroom.

Ive looked at renting somewhere else and could afford something nice. I just feel vulnerable and don't want to end up with nowhere to go if things go wrong.

Really appreciate someone listening. I can't tell anyone in rl.

BeautifulMaudOHara Sun 22-May-16 21:04:10

No debt can put your score down but as he has form for lying I'd want to see his credit report for myself. The agencies will give you the score for a small fee so get him to apply and show you.

www.experian.co.uk

www.equifax.co.uk

There are lots of things you can do to improve your score but your Dh sounds like the main issue tbh

neonrainbow Sun 22-May-16 21:07:34

This is all his fault and not yours. Do not take responsibility for the hole he put you all in.

mrsmoustache Sun 22-May-16 21:12:16

Thanks everyone. My score is the best possible, probably because I've paid for all our big items (cars, furniture dtc) and kept up to date with payments.

I know he can do things to improve his score, but the kids will have lefty home before its high enough.

uhoh2016 Sun 22-May-16 21:17:36

If you rented out yours even though it needs some updating would it cover your mortgage repayments plus a bit extra for maintenance?
Realistically how long will your eldest be at home for? Could you rent a bigger house and see how it goes? You've always got the mortgaged house to fall back on if renting doesn't suit.
Have you looked at getting a mortgage for a new property solely in your name or with a guarantor (his or your parents maybe)

Arfarfanarf Sun 22-May-16 21:19:45

I'd be looking at his credit score before making any decision.

Thinking that you'll leave is a bloody good reason (in his mind) to lie to you.

SandyY2K Sun 22-May-16 21:26:23

Actually if you have zero debt it CAN affect your credit score. Defaults stay on your credit file for 6 years usually.

There are some people that may still be able to give you a new mortgage. The interest rate may be higher....but you can transfer it after a couple of years.

Your H needs to apply for credit cards like Vanquis that help repair bad credit. The interest rate is higher than the standard CCs , but if he pays the balance of straight away it will be ok.

He should just use the card to things he would normally... and use the CC for them instead of a debit card.

These things happen .... try not to despair.

NotDavidTennant Sun 22-May-16 21:28:06

The credit scores offered by the credit checking agencies (at a price) are bunk. Each lender assesses credit worthiness according to their own criteria, not according to a generic score. They are a rough indicator at best.

mrsmoustache Sun 22-May-16 21:28:41

I'd not really thought seriously about renting, but it could be the way to go. Next door is rented and it's never been empty.

I couldn't get a big enough mortgage on my own - expensive area and need to stay local for schools. I wouldn't ask parents to be guarantors, they've done enough.

My eldest is at home for one more year, but I wanted to make it a good one sad

Arf- you're right, he would lie to stop me leaving. I'd not thought of it that way.

chipsandpeas Sun 22-May-16 21:30:16

the "credit score" the likes of experian and equifax mean nothing - its just a score
at the last check my score was 900 yet i was declined a credit card due to the high level of credit available to me

each lender will look at the credit report differently - you need to get looking at them all to make sure theres nothing nasty lurking there that might have been overlooked

Gabilan Sun 22-May-16 21:31:27

Sorry OP but I think he's lying to you. Why did he get into debt? Has the cause of this stopped? It isn't your fault at all. (Disclaimer, I have a family member who did similar. I am jaded when it comes to debtors).

mrsmoustache Sun 22-May-16 21:36:38

Thanks sandy- we could visit a mortgage advisor again, but I'm not hopeful after last time.
I think we need a financial advisor, then look into credit cards to build his score. I'm not keen after what happened last time tho.

Not - do you mean we should try for a mortgage and see what the lenders say? I just don't know which way to turn.

HeddaGarbled Sun 22-May-16 21:45:05

Was it your current mortgage lender who turned you down for the mortgage before? They are the first people to talk to to find out whether there is any chance of a bigger mortgage with them. If that's a no, then you need to see whether anyone else will give you a bigger mortgage.

If not, well, you could just enjoy being debt free (apart from your current mortgage, I presume) for the first time in many years. It won't kill the children to share bedrooms or be in small bedrooms for a little while longer, especially as you are choosing to stay living in an expensive area so that they don't have to move schools. Lots of families have to weigh up that dilemma.

Will the 18 year old be off to uni in 4 months time? I shared a room with my sister until I went to uni and don't look back on my teenage years as being particularly deprived.

Maybe now you have cleared the debts you could spend a bit of money on a good family holiday to celebrate. There are more ways of giving children a happy family than their own bedrooms.

mrsmoustache Sun 22-May-16 21:47:02

Gabilan- I'm not sure how it happened. I was at home looking after the children and thought we were doing fine. Certainly nothing extravagant, obviously lots of little things we couldn't really afford.

People saying it's not my fault is making me more angry with him as I did feel responsible.

So, credit report needs checking, then financial advisor and possibly explore mortgage lenders. Think I'm getting my head straight.

tribpot Sun 22-May-16 21:57:22

Is it (as far as you know) 'just' the one episode of debt? I couldn't quite tell from your first post if the mortgage rejection was due to new debt or just a decision about the previous debt.

How long did he have the second job for? The main pattern here seems to be he messed up and then everyone else rallied round to rescue him. Unfortunately that tends to encourage overspenders to believe it will always happen. Was there a reason you didn't insist on full financial transparency after last time? This seems overly trusting given it was the roof over your heads he was putting at risk. Equally why didn't he volunteer this level of openness if he really wanted to make amends? Why did you give him the last grand to pay off the debts, wasn't he meant to be doing that?

Please do take advice before you start applying for mortgages as too many applications in a period of time also impacts negatively on your credit rating, I believe. MoneySavingExpert has got a good page on IFAs. I used a fee-paid one for my mortgage and she was brilliant, unfortunately she's retired now or I would recommend her regardless of whether you're in our area as she had clients across the country. However, I'd be telling him to find one rather than doing it yourself and clearing up his mess again.

Agree with Gabilan - was the cause of his overspending ever properly addressed? How has he been managing money since then?

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