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So desperately unhappy

(48 Posts)
P1X1E Sun 22-May-16 19:04:05

I really don't know where else to turn for help. I'm 7 months pregnant and engaged to the father. Our relationship is just so rocky that yet again I'm in tears about how we are ever going to make it work. We've been together for almost 3 years, both have kids from previous relationships but just seem to fall out constantly. He moved 100 miles to live with me in my home with my children which is wonderful but it all happened a bit quickly really.. But it was because he lived so far away that made it difficult to see each other casually.. He'd insist on driving up 3 or 4 times a week but would have to get up (and wake me up) at 5am to get to work on time. It made sense for him to start looking for a job near me. He found one surprisingly quickly.

There are a couple of issues we lock horns on, one is him smoking marijuana. Before he moved in, there was no mention of him smoking it, in fact he said quite the opposite. Doesn't do it, used to and used to smoke normal cigarettes too but stopped. Well that turned out to be utter bs. His mental health issues have also come to light having been hidden deeply to begin with. Chronic low self esteem, self harm which obviously impacts on our relationship. I found him a counsellor who seems next to useless as it turns out. I hate him smoking weed because I've read it exacerbates mental health issues. He says no it doesn't. Only if you smoke it loads and anyway he is a grown up and should be allowed to make his own choices. We argue about it. I can understand if we're at a party and its being passed around but to stand outside in the garden, in the pouring rain, by yourself smoking a joint - I think that's a bit different.

I own this house outright. He has nothing and yet gets really upset when I disagree with him on where I would like one of my pictures hung on the walls of my house. I had the audacity to say I didn't think the 70's were famed for their furniture design to which he took exception and said I was opinionated, stuck in my ways and what about his point of view? He says that he has no say, is bullied (?) has no voice etc.. I pointed out that I've asked his opinion on EVERYTHING I've bought for the house and bought nothing that he said he didn't like. He pointed to a clock and said 'you didn't ask me about that clock. I like it though'.

He does contribute financially - he felt paying a quarter of all the bills was about right as my two little children live here (I work part time). This works out to little more than he gives his ex in child maintenance and he doesn't even live there! Is that normal? He mows the lawn and pulls the wheelie bin to the front of the house once a week. That is the total of his contribution.

We had been getting on well but then he said yesterday that he doesn't know how we are ever going to agree on how to raise our child. He's previously said that if it's a girl, she is not to wear pink (?) When I met his kids (they were 6 & 8) they didn't even know how to hold a knife and fork! He obviously blamed his ex entirely for this.

It sounds like it's all awful, of course it's not always or he'd have been long gone. When it's good, it's amazing and I love him very much but it's becoming increasingly more difficult with him being critical a lot. If I have a different opinion to him on something and voice that opinion, in his book that makes me opinionated. He claims to have very little money but thinks it's a great idea to get both his arms completely tattooed.. I said I didn't like that look much.. By his reaction, you'd have thought I'd called his mother a whore! Oh my god!! Why do I NEVER support him in anything?!! (I do in EVERYTHING, apart from in the smoking and tattoos) He said he's ALWAYS wanted it done and that he's going to save up and get it done. In the end I said 'fine, I'm going to save up too. To take my kids on a really nice holiday. You and your kids can sit here and look at your new tattoos'

It flips so quickly from it being lovely between us, to me just wanting him to go but now I'm pregnant and stuck. I hope we can figure it out but I just can't seem to get through to him sometimes.

I feel like he tricked me by pretending to be something that he then turned out not to be. I have gently suggested this to him. He presented himself as a clean living, hard working, 'I do all my own housework', easy going kind of guy but if I'd have known he was a joint smoking, lazy, just want to play on my iPad when I get home from work, full arm tattoos kind of guy, I don't think I would have agreed to a date with him. Of course he says I should just accept him how he is and that my love for him should transcend all that just as he overlooks all my faults!

It's the lying and manipulation that's the worst part I think. Eg I asked him recently when he was mid anxiety attack, depressed and panicking because he was struggling to focus at work, to please not smoke joints anymore (at that point he was smoking it every night) - maybe okay just at parties if he absolutely has to but please, please don't buy any more. He actually agreed, broke down in tears and promised he wouldn't buy it anymore. Then a week later I smell it on him and confront him.. The response? 'I promised I wouldn't BUY anymore, I was GIVEN this stuff! What's your problem?!' Back to square one.

I really don't know what to do. I feel so low. I feel like I can't be myself anymore or voice my thoughts on anything for fear of being accused of being a bully or opinionated. He looses his temper in front of my kids which I've told him is an absolute deal breaker and the next time he does it, he can leave.

What do I do? I'm stuck. He has no where else to go. Say he can't afford to live anywhere else and that he'd have to sleep in his car if I kicked him out. I'm at an utter loss. How long do you keep trying?

Advice very welcome. Really struggling.


AnyFucker Sun 22-May-16 19:10:37

he is a cocklodger

you moved this "relationship" along far too fast and now you are paying the price

it can be undone though...tell him to leave. Where he sleeps is his own problem.

Patheticfallacy Sun 22-May-16 19:13:02

I think you know what you want to do. Him having nowhere to go isn't your problem but you could give him a certain amount of time to go somewhere if you feel worried about that.

Oly5 Sun 22-May-16 19:17:32

He sounds dreadful
You need to get rid of him fast. Of course, he'll still need access to the child
But life will be better without him!

Costacoffeeplease Sun 22-May-16 19:19:56

Yes, he needs to leave, you don't need a lazy drugged up manipulator around your children and certainly with a new baby you don't need a man toddler around too

MrsBertBibby Sun 22-May-16 19:19:57

Maybe the tattoo parlour will put him up?

He can pay for accommodation out of his tattoo and drug money, surely?

Bugsylugs Sun 22-May-16 19:20:40

The smoking would be a deal breaker for me never mind the rest. This is not a supportive relationship

Dangerouswoman Sun 22-May-16 19:21:33

It sounds horrendous. You don't agree on anything. You don't seem to like him. He is not your 'type.' He's not likely to stop smoking the weed. And I would bet money on the fact he is not going to step up when the baby arrives either. I am sure you would be happier on your own.

MizK Sun 22-May-16 19:23:28

You don't owe him anything. You've already tried to compromise but if you don't get shot of him now, the anger in front of the kids is going to affect both you and them. You and your children are obviously your priority. Don't let him spoil your little family unit. Tell him to do one.

MizK Sun 22-May-16 19:25:24

OHHHHH...somehow missed the fact that you're pregnant. Sorry. That makes what he's doing even worse, he should be looking after you and doing extra so you get enough rest. Seriously he sounds horrible.

DraughtyWindow Sun 22-May-16 19:29:31

Agree with all of the above. Man child needs to go. And fast.
Look up on the CAB website where you stand legally in respect of how much notice you should give. I think 2 weeks is more than generous. Do you have any family or RL friends for support? I can't believe you've put up with it for this long. Has it got worse since the pregnancy?

princessmi12 Sun 22-May-16 19:31:08

When the baby is born ,how the bills will be split up? Paying a quarter of the bills is a crappy thing to do! There's only two adults and those two adults should share responsibility equally. He doesn't sound like a father figure to your children.
I'm not even talking about the rest of issues.
Not a good role model at all. Get rid!

RandomMess Sun 22-May-16 19:31:50

He's a cock lodger, he's working, he can afford to go into a house share! If he thinks he can't then he'll have to stop working and use his tattoo savings won't he.

Allalonenow Sun 22-May-16 19:37:19

I think that you know in your heart what the answer is pixie, you are going to have to make him leave.

He is taking advantage of you financially, trying to control your every move, he is a drug addict..... and that is only the start.

He is making your life a misery, and it will get worse once the baby arrives.

For your own sanity and happiness you have to take steps to end it with him.

Givepeasachance Sun 22-May-16 19:38:39

guess you'll be bang in the middle of the sunken cost fallacy.

Yeah you committed too soon, but you are pregnant now and need to decide how you'll feel about him smoking weed around your baby and playing on his iPad when you have a million things to do and have slept for 2 hours.

I know what I'd do, but I also know making the decision when you are in the middle of it is really hard. All I can say is Go Robotic.

Strip out your emotion. Overcome the feelings of what 'you should do'.

P1X1E Sun 22-May-16 19:43:22

Ooh, those comments are hard to read but I knew they were coming.. It obviously wasn't this bad to begin with. I'm not a complete idiot.. It's just gradually got worse, almost without me noticing.

He's paying off debts so I'm trying to shoulder the bulk of the bills until he can get debt free. Obviously my ex gives me cm which covers some of my kids 'portion' of the bills.

Has it been worse since I've been pregnant? No, I don't think so. Being honest, he wanted this baby more than I did. He IS selfish, but then do are the vast majority of men aren't they? Don't they all try to get away with doing the bare minimum? He doesn't see mess, empties the dishwasher once in a while and claims he helps out LOADS. I refuse to iron his work shirts so he has to do that and does do every morning, never putting the iron and ironing board away so that lives in the sitting room permanently.

Is counselling worth bothering with? I want to be able to make it clear to him exactly what the issues are because he twists things around and believes his own bullshit. I also want to be able to tell our child that I tried.

KindDogsTail Sun 22-May-16 19:44:57

I hate him smoking weed because I've read it exacerbates mental health issues. He says no it doesn't

OP I absolutely know it does, and it is going to get worse and worse.
The other thing is that it is very very addictive (some health people seem to say it isn't sometimes but what ever they are talking about, in practice it is extremely addictive)
people who smoke it a lot can also have terrible mood swings, some eventually lose all concentration, get paranoid, vicious etc. It is very difficult to give up. I know all this for a fact.

Unless he really is hard working and helps more and pays more and the weed doesn't affect him badly, I think you should get him out. Start afresh without him before you get more entangled.

As you said if you had known all this about him you would not have let things get so far.

Bitchqueen90 Sun 22-May-16 19:47:48

Counselling only works if he is willing to admit there's a problem. Doesn't sound like he would from what you've put.

No way would I ever let anyone live with me and my children who smokes weed never mind the rest. confused

Costacoffeeplease Sun 22-May-16 19:49:29

He IS selfish, but then do are the vast majority of men aren't they? Don't they all try to get away with doing the bare minimum?

No no no - only the lazy arse cocklodgers

KindDogsTail Sun 22-May-16 19:50:55

"He's paying off debts so I'm trying to shoulder the bulk of the bills until he can get debt free. Obviously my ex gives me cm which covers some of my kids 'portion' of the bills". Then why hasn't he stopped spending money on drugs? How did he get into debt? Why would he want a baby he can't look after?

He is not very manly and reallly hasn't grown up. He probably won't ever now. Wanting a baby does not mean he is mature, just a form of narcissist and perhaps someone who wants to make you lose your autonomy.

It sounds so much as though you, your baby and children would be better off without him.

AnyFucker Sun 22-May-16 19:52:03

Nope. Only lazy and selfish men are lazy, selfish men.

TendonQueen Sun 22-May-16 19:52:13

OP it's not true that 'the vast majority of men' try to get away with as little as possible. There are quite a few that have been posted about on here lately, which might give that impression, but there are also plenty of decent men around (my DH is one) who are fair and generous and just get on with things. You shouldn't settle for less - it's easier to be on your own than to live with a lazy selfish man. Cut him loose. It doesn't sound like this is working and it's far better to admit that now than when you have a newborn to look after.

Allalonenow Sun 22-May-16 19:56:12

"he wanted this baby more than I did"

He knew you would be easier to manipulate and control once you were pregnant, and that once you had his child it would be much more difficult for you to get rid of him.

P1X1E Sun 22-May-16 20:01:22

Thanks all. I really do appreciate all your responses. He DEFINITELY hasn't grown up. Had a crappy childhood, bullied at school, accidentally got a woman he pregnant who swore she could never get pregnant (polycystic ovaries) who refused to get rid of the baby. Was pressured by his dad into marrying her and did. Was miserable, sought relief in drugs, had another baby with the woman who can't get pregnant. Dad died suddenly, made redundant, sunk into depression, miserable in relationship with woman he didn't love.. Became suicidal. Eventually left her. Put himself back together and three years later met me.

He does work hard, adores his children and does the 5 hour round trip very other weekend to see them.

His dad was a Dr of Biochemistry who used to mess about with his own drugs. Perhaps this makes it more acceptable in his eyes? I was brought up very differently! He really doesn't see the problem with smoking a joint on a random Thursday. He says it barely affects him, he's not addicted so I ask him why bother then? Then I get the venomous response about treating him like a child..

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Sun 22-May-16 20:12:36

He wanted the baby because it was his ticket to staying with you in your mortgage free house indefinitely.

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