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Advice to show abusive partner the thread

(7 Posts)
Goingtobeawesome Sun 22-May-16 17:05:34

Over the last few days this has been suggested that the abused, controlled, assaulted OP show their partner their thread in the topics of AIBU and relationships. I'm sure it is meant with good intentions but 99/100 it is going to be a terrible idea and could lead to a worse situation for the OP, not to mention taking away somewhere safe and neutral that the OP can have for themselves while they work out what they want to do.

MNetters are mostly incredible people with a wealth of experience to help and guide those that need it and there are plenty of examples of where posters have saved lives, sanity, Christmases etc etc.

However, bad advice which hasn't been thought through can be dangerous.

It has to be said that I am not telling people what they can and can't post. I wouldn't even if I had special status to do so. I'm just asking that people think.

bakeoffcake Sun 22-May-16 17:08:30

I agree with you. It's idiotic advice.

Oh show him the thread then he can see the error of his wayshmm.

No, what will happen is he will see the thread and go ballistic because his partner has realised what a cunt he is and she's telling others about it.

PiePiePie Sun 22-May-16 17:15:39


There have probably been occasions when the partner is temporarily behaving like an arse and does respond to a proper talking to. But in those cases it's probably not necessary to show them the thread, they are capable of responding to reason.

Safest never to recommend it. I suspect that those who do have never been unfortunate enough to come across an abusive type.

Queenoftheblues Sun 22-May-16 17:25:49

Very dangerous. An abuser hates to be exposed even on an anonymous forum. He doesnt want his victim to have any support and he will justify his behaviour always. Please just leave him now.

SandyY2K Sun 22-May-16 17:30:12

People who abuse and control will never think they are wrong just because a group of strangers do.

They don't want to see logic and deep down they know their behaviour is wrong. In fact they hsve been known to become worse, belittling you and saying stuff like "you're a fool to listen to them" "they don't know me" " they're so negative" or "you're so gullible" etc

They'll say anything to spin it back on you... more abuse and control.

You need someone who is closer to normal and rational to 'get it'

It's best to use the advice for yourself. Or if you wish to show DV workers if the words are too painful to say ... then you can.

Pearlman Sun 22-May-16 18:01:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiscellaneousAssortment Sun 22-May-16 19:29:18

Yup I agree.

It's one of those true fact type phrases that 'you can never win, except by walking away'. Abusive relationships thrive on the abusers reality being the only true reality, and so much time and energy is put into trying to convince the abuser that what's happening isn't right. And it never works, as their reality is not based on, well, real stuff. It's based on themselves being right whatever happens. And only their feelings count. Oh and the abusee deserves whatever 'justice' and control methods used, a thumped door, a smashed plate, a cracked jaw....

The first step towards leaving an abjsive relationship is recognising that there is an alternative way to live, and then it's all about disengaging from the abuser enough yet safely to escape.

Engaging with arguments and reading threads cements the bad dynamic of needing permission to believe an alternate reality. Which s/he will never give.

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