Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what was this?

(18 Posts)
rainytea Sun 22-May-16 16:33:21

A long time ago my mother came to visit me for 10 days when I was living far away. I was totally in love with my BF at the time and he was staying over one night. I think it was at the beginning of her stay. The spare room was next to mine and the walls not that thick.

In bed and quietly intimate with BF and he told me he wanted anal sex. It would have been my first time (no idea about him) and I didn't want to. He pushed and pushed and pushed (verbally) and in the end, worried my mother would hear me having an argument about anal sex (and we're not close if that makes a difference) I somehow agreed. Obviously it felt horrible in many ways and the next day wasn't great - no pain, but other things.

It's just come back to me and the awful feeling and that the next day I had to carry on as usual with my mother and him - and he responded to her flirting with him (as I said, I'm not close to her - for good reasons). I feel sick.

But I said yes, didn't I?

Dangerouswoman Sun 22-May-16 16:35:34

Are you still with him?

rainytea Sun 22-May-16 16:36:13

No. Broke up with him for entirely different reasons years ago and it broke my heart at the time!

fuzzywuzzy Sun 22-May-16 16:42:29

You were coerced into it. You didn't say yes till he really pushed it and you sound like you wouldn't have said yes if you hadn't been worried about your mother hearing.

Ex used to force me to have sex and do things I didn't want, I did them only because I had op choice. I still hope he suffers excruciatingly for everything he did to me.

DP would never dream of asking a second time if I said no once.

pinkyredrose Sun 22-May-16 16:45:15

You said yes eventually because he forced you to. That is the definition of rape. Similar happened to me but my boyfriend at the time didn't even do me the courtesy I f asking (he'd previously asked and I'd said no). Took me a long time to recognise it for what it was. Maybe that's what's happening to you?

rainytea Sun 22-May-16 16:53:30

Thanks for replying. He definitely pushed the yes. I didn't even want vaginal sex that night. Just kissing and cuddling.

I also felt something strange from him about him having control of me when my mother was there, but don't (and didn't) know quite how to describe it.

But (not that I'm going to anyway) if this were brought to the police, it wouldn't get anywhere would it, because I eventually said yes? He'd just say "well she said yes and didn't stop me" which is correct. I gave up, but I can't see how it's rape though.

DraenorQueen Sun 22-May-16 16:53:57

Hi OP,
I'm another who had an ex who coerced me into doing things I didn't want - the same things your ex wanted, actually. I still have horrible flashbacks to those times, but ultimately I now just try to see it as a past episode which has helped me recognise abusive behavior quickly. Any pestering for sexual stuff I didn't want, coercion, sulking, etc. from a new partner and he would be out the door, no second chances.
I'm sorry you went through this - sounds like he was a bastard and your mum was not great either.

rainytea Sun 22-May-16 16:54:32

And pinky and fuzzy sorry that happened to you.

rainytea Sun 22-May-16 17:05:29

DQ I don't think I was quite as fast a learner as you...

So would this just be classed as a type of abusive behaviour? I don't know why, but I feel I need a name for it.

DraenorQueen Sun 22-May-16 17:11:43

DQ I don't think I was quite as fast a learner as you...
I wasn't - this was ten years ago and I have allowed many similar and worse incidents to happen since then. It's only in the last 4 years of being totally single I've gained some perspective and stopped blaming myself. sad

DraenorQueen Sun 22-May-16 17:13:31

And it absolutely is abusive!

VioletSunshine Sun 22-May-16 17:35:41

Definitely abusive. If you said "no" then gave in after pressure, I think outside of legal terms most reasonable people would call that something like sexual assault or sexual abuse if you are looking for something to call it in order to process you feelings about it hugs
I'm in the same boat as you, and everyone else wrt this one it seems. Knew I didn't want to do it, and he took it anyway. I'm almost 100% he did it while I was asleep one time (the not 100% is 'cause he said he did, then changed his story when I brought it up again later, but the physical signs were there).
So glad you are not with the creeper anymore though smile

KindDogsTail Sun 22-May-16 17:44:22

I also felt something strange from him about him having control of me when my mother was there, but don't (and didn't) know quite how to describe it.

You were not imagining that. He was trying to show he had more power/rights over you than your mother did & also he not like any attention towards him being lessened by her presence. The anal when you did not want it was probably to do with power too.

It sounds horrible and no wonder you are still upset flowers I am very sorry.
It sounds great that you are not with him now.

You only said yes - if it can be called that, when it wasn't really yes at all - because you could not make a fuss when your mother could hear.

KindDogsTail Sun 22-May-16 17:48:28

Sorry, I am not sure about the law. Probably he could argue that you said yes and did not stop him - of course I realise it was absolutely abuse.. You could still report him though. It was abuse and coercion.

BrienneAndTormund Sun 22-May-16 17:52:39

If you only consent to sex because saying no is too unpleasant/scary/dangerous then you haven't really consented. Which is why this was rape. He knew you didn't want to do it and he made it so you had to choose either unwanted sex or another unwanted consequence. I would guess he knew you wouldn't want to cause a scene with your mother there so he took advantage of the situation to coerce you. Maybe he was attracted to your mother and was aroused by the thought that she would know you were having sex. Sexual abusers aren't known for being mature, emotionally healthy people.

VioletSunshine Sun 22-May-16 17:54:52

Oh and on the police side of things, I think it's more about whether you said "no" or otherwise clearly did not want to do it such that he couldn't reasonably have thought he got proper consent? They were very particular about that when I reported, asking if I had said "no" or that I didn't want to have sex etc.

rainytea Sun 22-May-16 18:57:08

Thanks everyone for responding.

Kind I think you've hit it about the attention.

Violet there was definitely "no" involved to start with.

What's odd - and worrying me a bit now - is that he was one of my "better" boyfriends. Most of the others did rape me. I'm thinking this couldn't have been the only thing that happened in over year together. Maybe other things happened that were more normal for me so didn't stand out or make me feel as awful as this did, or maybe my mother just sparked something in him. The poster above who mentioned the whining, sulking etc reminded me that he was incredibly persuasive in general though.

It was abroad and a long time ago so definitely won't be reported. I just needed some way to label it I guess.

KindDogsTail Sun 22-May-16 19:07:59

Rainy Violet Draenor pinky fuzzy
I am so sorry that you have experienced these horrible rapes, asaults and coercions.flowers

It is so worth being on guard for sulking DQ. I never realised it before you put it into that perspective, but it is just as much a form of force in its effects as anything else isn't it? Especially as girls are brought up to be polite and not hurt anyone's feelings.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now