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Family falling apart

(16 Posts)
Notwavingimdrowning Sun 22-May-16 11:29:04

This is going to be a long post sorry, but I hope someone can advise me. I have also nc so I am not outed. I have been married twice, 1st time for 11 years with 3 children and 2nd time for 18 years with 1 DS. My 1st husband was a violent, controlling, abusive, bully who would regularly hit me. I was very young when we married(17) and for many stupid reasons I stayed with him, but eventually managed to leave to a woman's refuge and rebuilt my life. He was allowed supervised contact with the children (ordered by court) and although I never ever stopped him thankfully he did not want this, so apart from the occasional card, has had very little to do with any of them. I eventually met and married my now dh who is the polar opposite to him. He is kind, gentle, supportive loving and has always cherished and adored the children and they have equally loved him back. He has never so much as raised his voice to any of us ever. 6 months ago my ex husband contacted me to say he wanted to see the kids, (28, 24, 22) we talked to them all ( without trying to influence their decision, they are adults) and my son 24 decided he would see his dad. He has seen him regularly since then. His behaviour has been changing for the last few months. He has become distant, moody and often verbally aggressive with me ( never when his step dad is around) and although I have tried to get him to talk to me he won't. Last night son called round after being with his dad all day, he had been drinking but was not drunk. He was becoming more and more aggressive towards me but this time my dh was around and very calmly said that's no way to speak to your mum, son and all hell broke loose. My son was screaming that dh was not his dad, he has a dad that I prevented from seeing them, that it's my fault that they don't have a relationship and that I'm a useless c***, a fucking whore that screwed anything that walked when I was married to his dad and vile things that his dad would scream at me years before. (Absolutely none of which is true) He then went to slap me. My husband obviously stepped in and and tried to restrain my son, who was lashing out and throwing punches and there was a scuffle while we threw him out. My husband does not want him in our house ever again while he is seeing his dad. I have phoned son this morning to be told to fuck off and that he has called the police as he has marks on his face and body. my dh has gone to the station to make a statement. I am devastated, my dh will be devastated, I haven't told the other children anything yet.I do not know what to do. I love my son as does my husband but will not put up with this, but I can't just cut him off either. My family is falling apart and I don't know how to stop it. I don't really know why I've posted but I'm sat alone waiting for my dh to come back and I just don't know how to go forward.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 22-May-16 11:33:21

Your son is 24??????

I would ask your son to leave your house and not return until he has calmed down. I would then ask him to also look for somewhere to live!

Do not accept this sort of treatment even from your own son.

Notwavingimdrowning Sun 22-May-16 11:36:02

Sorry I should have said my son doesn't live with us, he has his own house, but often comes to ours, we have always been a very close family until now.

fusspot66 Sun 22-May-16 11:39:06

I think you need to tell your son to stay away until he has grown up. And report his assault to the police.
Tough love needed here.
Sorry this happened to

MangoMoon Sun 22-May-16 11:40:43

Have you told him your version of events from your time with his dad, and afterwards?

That's all you can do really.

Then it's completely up to him as a grown adult to process all sides & believe what he chooses to.

flowers for you, I can only imagine how difficult it is.

InaMay Sun 22-May-16 11:42:52

OK, first things first, breathe and regroup. You've gone through a horrible experience. But, you are a strong woman, your story is testament to this. Your family is not falling apart. One of your sons is falling apart and it doesn't take a genious to figure out the cause; your toxic ex.

Can I ask, did you ever tell your sons or can they remember how things were when you were with your ex? Do they remember the violence, the namecalling, the abuse? Did the witness it or even experience any of it?

The reason I ask is that women, rightly or wrongly in some incidences, do everything they can to protect their children from reality. Even the reality that their fathers are abusers. If your son is not aware of what this man did to you, it may be that he is coming into all of this with half a story. A fairy story, narrated by the villian who is only giving his warped side of things.

If it is the case that your son does not know what his father did, what his father is and what his father is capable of, now is the time to tell him straight. No holds barred, he is an adult now. It may be that he doesn't want to hear you. Maybe he's not at that stage just yet. And given what has recently happened, maybe space away from him is the best thing right now, as hard as that will be. All you can do is make sure he knows you love him and will always love him and everything you did by having the courage to leave his father was for his good.

Of course, this isn't the movies, OP. He isn't going to listen to your story and fall into your arms realising the truth. But someday, with your full disclosure and assurances of always being there, he will see the light. The other thing that will ensure this is that his father is still the man he always was it seems. You can only have faith that your son will see him for what he really is too, in time.

The legal/police issues, I'm afraid I cannot help with. However, I'm sure there will be others here who know their stuff in that regard. I'm thinking of you, stay strong x

InaMay Mon 23-May-16 08:26:53

OP, how are things now?

MissMargie Mon 23-May-16 08:55:57

Hiding this from your other DCs might not be the best idea.
By doing that it can look as if you and DH are being unfair to middle DS.
Better it's all out in the open (including the past), they might be someone middle DS can go to.

Lelloteddy Mon 23-May-16 09:05:02

Tell your other children.
And let them support you.
Ban your son from your home for now. How DARE he try to attack you?
Your family is not falling apart OP. You are much stronger than that.

MistressDeeCee Mon 23-May-16 10:04:56

OP I really hope your DH is ok. If your son has already made a report before DH gets there, then it could very well be that your DH is arrested and held for a time, before being bailed to return to station. He would then need a good solicitor, although police will ask him if he wants a solicitor when he returns; he should definitely say yes, as its essential to have on the spot legal advice, and assistance through interview

I have bitter experience of this, when a violent ex was so incensed that I left him, he phoned the police told them I was the violent one. The police phoned asked me to come to station, Id thought I could tell them my story but no, I was arrested. Awful experience. I was bailed and eventually charges were dropped as they worked out ex was lying through his teeth

Anyway hopefully it doesnt come to all that. But you absolutely MUST ban your son from your house. He is an adult not a child. & a violent adult at that. His misogynistic violent tendencies and willingness to believe his absent father over the mother and stepfather who raised him, is chilling. The names he called you are disgusting.

He is not the only family member. Don't jump through hoops trying to appease him, you won't be able to. You know this from being around a violent man before. You are strong, you got away from him and you don't need to accept any violence whatsoever in your life now. & you had better tell your other DCs what has happened, its entirely unfair to withold this from them.

Yoksha Mon 23-May-16 12:28:29

Do you have parents who can support you when discussing what really happened with yout vile ex? Just to add to pp's words, this is a blip, albeit a huge one. You need to counter report this attack. Also mention ex's involvement in events. Are there police reports from your past domestic abuse? This will help in this. Your son seems to have deep set issues to go completely off the deepend like this so quickly. You need to dole out tough love here. You also need to let your other two dc know what's kicked off. Does the 28yr old remember anything?

Dry your tears and hoick up you big girl's pants. grin

FrancisdeSales Mon 23-May-16 16:42:14

Your DS has clearly been manipulated by his bio-dad. If you have never given your kids the full story he and the others need to b hear it. IF you can get copies of previous police reports involving his dad's violence and abuse show them to the children. Also any friends of the family that they trust who know the true story can corroborate.

FrancisdeSales Mon 23-May-16 16:45:13

Facts speak for themselves: he has lived in a peaceful, non-violent home for years. Visits his dad and immediately thinks it's appropriate to start abusing his mum! I think he must've witnessed stuff when he was younger than is resurfacing.

You both were completely right to have no tolerance of abuse and violence. Your DP was stellar.

pocketsaviour Mon 23-May-16 16:45:49

Really good post from InaMay

We try to protect our children but sometimes the truth is their best armour.

Notwavingimdrowning Mon 23-May-16 17:53:41

Thank you for all the replies and sorry I haven't been back to respond sooner, but I'm sure you can imagine it was an awful day yesterday and we have spent today talking to the other children. I have no idea what is going to happen, but dh wasn't arrested and gave a statement pending further enquiries. My eldest child does remember quite a lot of what happened when they were young and although she has not contacted her db today or really spoken about the past with him before, she does think he remembers a lot too.i do have to say I have been very guilty of trying to protect them and have been very careful to not bad mouth their dad or try to influence them in any way. I so wish I could change this, but I can't so will really have to wait and see what happens when we try to talk to ds. I am not ready to do this yet and neither is dh, but I do know that this really really is out of character for him and have some hope that he will see some sense and really see what his dad is like. There is plenty that was documented at the time but I would not know how to access these records. I know that the future is going to be very difficult for us but I love my son and hope that we can get past this. I am worried and anxious about having to go over everything that happened when I was married to his dad, things that I really had put behind me. But thank you all, you are right I am a strong woman, I am a very different person to the frightened 6 stone shell that I was once and have such a wonderful supportive family and friends that I will get through this, whatever happens xx

PhoenixReisling Mon 23-May-16 18:10:38

Could you request a copy of the file from SS? However, as this is about your DC then they may only give a copy to your DC (data protection).

I would call SS (from the appropriate LA) and ask.

Also, your ex twat is an abuser, so is very good at manipulation, minimisation, control and lying (and probably in a very convincing way). Not excusing what your DS has done, but the manipulation and possibly a flashback may have contributed to this.

It is also well worth noting, that children that have been exposed to abuse (domestic etc to a parent or to a child), store memories (which are forgotten or surpressed) that can be triggered in the right conditions. Many adopted children experience this, sometimes years after the events occurred.

As he is an adult I would leave him to it. If he wants to meet, I would be inclined to have your other children there.

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