Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Don't know what to do.(15 Posts)
Have NC. (Been around for 11 years. Jesus Christ, I'm old)
Ex husband. Always been a twat. Didn't realise how bad it was till I found someone who treated me properly (after we decided to split)
Came round the other day to collect kids, I want as little contact as possible so I asked him to wait outside, he takes MASSIVE offence at this and proceeds to go off his rocker. Gets up in my face, spit flying, forehead pushing against my face. Says some absolutely vile things. (I'm a dirty c**t. He wants to kill me. My girlfriend is xyz....then he proceeds to make fun of her disabled son) at that point I lost it (I had been trying to keep him calm 'it's just best if you wait outside/ok let's try and talk quietly etc' but when he did that I slapped him.
Not my finest moment and I take full responsibility but you have to understand this man has killed my self seem and spirit over the last x amount of years and I just broke.
So he retaliated by punching me in the shoulder. He then pushes me onto the couch and lifts my shoulders and slams me back so my head hits the wall behind the couch. He does this 3 times. Saying he wants to kill me. Kill my gf and her son
The kids were upstairs.
I called my mother and he eventually left. She came round and took the kids.
I know you will say call the police, but I slapped him first. And I know that other agencies will get involved and I'm terrified of that. I have MH issues from all this and speaking to people terrifies me. He will paint me as the unstable one. He said he will get them taken away.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I just wish I never had to see him again.
No. He pressed his head against yours. He instigated contact in a physical sense. Call the police.
It doesn't matter, you need to report it. He can't be around the kids if he is threatening to kill you. They have to be your priority.
Sounds like you have at least one witness? You need to report it and get a restraining order or he will do it again. The slap sounds like reasonable self defence, you were scared.
No witnesses. Though the kids must have heard it all.
I can't believe I'm even writing this. I slapped him a few times in quick succession. He was saying really awful things.
I just think I need to put practical steps in place so we have as little contact as possible.
He is seeing a new woman too. Part of me wants to tell her what happened but he would go crazy. I feel like it's my responsibility to let her know what he is really like
He verbally threatened you and then assaulted you, and responding to his obvious provocation doesn't change that. Call the Police and report the arsewipe. You now know the depths to which this man will sink and your own limitations at withstanding his vileness. Not reporting it only protects him from the consequences of his behaviour and lord knows what he'll do next if he thinks he can get away with this. Bullies thrive on secrets and his threats are to designed to scare you into silence.
OP you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for and you need to stop telling yourself otherwise.
Surely your DP will insist on reporting the threat to the life of her child? This story is going to come out. Your best bet is to get out in front of it by telling the police (before he has a chance to and makes out you instigated the violence) and working with the authorities to remove this awful person from your lives as much as possible.
My DP doesn't know. She lives far away and I didn't tell her that he said those things about her/her son. Just what he said about me.
Do you think it's reasonable not to tell her? Don't keep this man's secrets.
It's just hurtful words that he uses to provoke me. It used to be that I was stupid or boring. But now that I'm away from him and am being myself again he knows those words are useless. As are him calling me a dirty c**t and things. He knows it has no affect so he says that because he knows that's the one thing I can't ignore.
I don't see why I should tell her he said those things and him have the power to hurt her as well as me. It's jut bull shit he spits because he has lost that power.
I don't think the police will see the threat to kill a child as 'just hurtful words' designed to provoke you. She won't be hurt by his words, she will be furious. As you should be.
Pick up the phone. He assaulted you verbally and physically, using his words and body to lean on you, you acted in self defence you were, understandably, scared. He also, by the sounds of it, forcably entered your home.
Have him arrested, let him deal with the repercussions of his actions - get all the protective orders you can. He won't get any better than this....
If you do not want to call.the police you don't have to but be aware he may report you - abusive shits often do.
But I would suggest you keep him out of your house.
You could do handovers at a neutral very public venue. that is assuming you still allow him to see dc.
Text him. Tell him as he verbally abused and assaulted you you will no longer be permitying him to.approach your house. Any approach to your house will result in you calling the police. (Also film him if he is outside your house shouting abuse. On no account answer the door to him. You need to set a firm boundary here. This is Your house, Your property and he is not welcome.)
All handovers from now on are to take place at appointed time at xx location.
Then ignore him until next contact time.
Sorry he is such an emormous bullying arsewipe.
Bullies thrive on secrets and his threats are to designed to scare you into silence. He doesn't want you to report it, of course he doesn't. That would be enough for me to get straight down the Station! Andhopefully his new GF would find out about it too!
You don't know what to do? Yes, you do. Report his arse. Get it on record, get advice as to whether this violent dick should be anywhere near your dc. Protect yourself from him - you won't be protecting yourself if you jsut leave it. It will just get worse, because he knows he can do what he likes. I'm not trying to scare you, OP, but there are people and organisations who can protect you and your dc from bullies like this.
Don't do anything - and it will probably happen again.
In future, you should do contact handovers at a public place. He should never, ever come to your door.
After you made a reasonable request that your ex stay outside your home when he came to collect the dc, he Gets up in my face, spit flying, forehead pushing against my face
He physically assaulted you by pushing his forehead against your face. If someone did this to me I would fear that they were shaping up to plant a Glaswegian kiss on my forehead.
He says some absolutely vile things. (I'm a dirty c**t. He wants to kill me. My girlfriend is xyz....then he proceeds to make fun of her disabled son)
He then verbally abuses you and tells you that he wants to kill you. I would have kneed him but you merely slapped his face, no doubt in part hoping that the shock of having the woman he's bullied and abused with impunity over a period of years raise her hand to him would cause him to desist.
However, his response to your action was to punch you and subject you to more violence in your home while knowing full well that there were dc in the house.
As it seems to me that you have far more to fear from your ex than you have from reporting this incident to the police, I urge you to please report it so that you can get the protection you need to keep this foul mouthed violent thug away from you.
If you don't feel able to speak to the police please find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ make contact with them tomorrow and seek their advice with regard to obtaining a non-molestation order which will prohibit him on pain of arrest from inflicting any further abuse on you.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.