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Quick advice needed re demanding ex

(6 Posts)
PrancingQueen Sun 22-May-16 08:15:01

My ex lives in another country approx 1.5 hours away.
He was emotionally abusive and dumped me when pregnant. He's also a bully and can be verbally aggressive.
He's visiting DS at the moment and has 'told' me that he wants him for a week next month. He is willing to fly over to get him and fly him back.
DS is 3.7. He loves his dad, but I'm dreading this conversation later.

My mother is dying at the moment, I'm not sure how long she's got - it could be weeks.

I can't cope with my little boy being away from me at the moment (last time I agreed to this I regretted it - I was waking with panic attacks).

Because of my history with ex I dread his confrontational, aggressive manner and bullying. He says I'm making this all about me - that he has rights and that he's got a right to see DS in his home (with OW and her DC)

Usually he'll come here and I let him stay in my place to see DS while I see friends and get a break. Then I'll bring him to ex's country and he'll live with ex for a few days (usually 3-4). We alternate this to make it fair.
I think a week is too long for a young child to be apart from their mother - am I being unfair? DS is a bit clingy ATM, needs me with him at night to go to sleep, needs reassurance that I'll pick him up from nursery etc.

(Reason ex stays at mine is that he says he can't afford to stay anywhere else and I was the one who 'took his son away' - I moved back when my mum became ill)

Can anyone advise how to handle him today?
I'm feeling very anxious and I'm low because of the situation with my mum. I don't need his shit.

CupidsArrows Sun 22-May-16 08:19:51

Honestly I'd just say next month is too short notice and that you will consider a trip at a later date.

Once you have distance tell him you're not comfortable with your child going alone and you'll stick to the normal agreement of you going also.

Next time he is due here tell him he needs to find alternative accommodation (as presumably you do when you go there) and leave it at that. If he says about staying at yours then tell him no.

MakeItRain Sun 22-May-16 08:24:32

It's really tough. I think your son should see his dad at home and a week isn't excessive. The fact it's in another country makes it all the more difficult for you, but I don't think it would be refused in a family court.

What is a problem is the lack of a pattern and that times are just sprung on you and your son. Could you sit say you need to both organise a proper timetable and map out the times he will see his dad? That way you could prepare your son and talk about it with him.

Unfortunately what you are going through, although hard for you, shouldn't really impact on the time your son sees his dad. But I can understand that it must make things feel difficult and upsetting.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 22-May-16 09:20:16

I suggest you attempt to defer the conversation by saying that you're too preoccupied with the uncertainty over your dm's health to finalise dates at the moment, but that he can email them to you when he gets back to his home.

If you can buy time in this way it may be that your dm's prognosis will become clearer but, in any event, it will give you opportunity to think about your ex's proposition without feeling under pressure.

How often does your ds see his df? Does he see him every month or is your ex's request to have him next month a departure from the norm?

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 22-May-16 09:56:36

You need to come up with some kind of arrangement that means your DS sees his dad regularly. The fact that it might be around the OW and her children is irrelevant, really.

Presumably, though, he'll start school fairly soon and his dad won't be able to see him as much. Is it a case of "I want to see him as much as possible while I can because I know once he's in school it will be very limited"?

I don't think you can limit the time your son sees his dad on the basis that your mum isn't well, though. I am really sorry to hear it, but it shouldn't impact on your DS's relationship with his dad.

PrancingQueen Sun 22-May-16 17:15:57

I had tried to post earlier but it disappeared!
We managed to have a civil conversation thankfully, and have reached a compromise that we're both happy with for the time being.

Thanks for your replies.

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