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Feel shit. It's over but I can't bring myself to say it to him...

(14 Posts)
MrsDaffs Sun 22-May-16 00:58:15

I'm a horrible person.
It's over...I don't live him anymore....I care for him very much but the spark and the want to spend every minute with him has gone.

So why can't I bring myself to the point where I can tell him this?
Somehow tonight after a bottle of wine I decided going to bed with him was a good idea....10 min's later I couldn't get the feeling that 'it's not right and feels wrong' out if my head so it stopped.
Now he's asleep, I'm horribly sober and on the sofa trying to find some balls to have the talk with him.
I don't see a way I can do this without fucking everything up sad

Beefles Sun 22-May-16 01:26:40

Does he have work in the morning? You have to talk to him and have a proper discussion. If he hasn't got work, Wake him up. He might not be willing to talk tonight but tell him so he knows you need to talk or get some of it off your chest. Alternatively, try and sleep and set an alarm for tomorrow and talk to him over coffee in the morning. You just need to tell him how you feel and find out if anything can save it or what to do next.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 22-May-16 01:36:44

What is the "everything" you'll fuck up by telling him that the relationship is no longer working for you?

fruitandbarley Sun 22-May-16 02:18:40

I would actually go against beefles advice and say waking someone up to tell them you don't love them anymore is horrible and bearing in mind the time not a conversation to be had at 2am. You need to imagine what life will be like and how you will feel if you're still living like this in a year, 3 years etc .. and then you need to go onto autopilot, be as selfish as you can, choose a good time when you can tell him, and do it. It will be awful, but you'll get through it and be happier. That advice is given on the assumption he's not aggressive/violent.

MeMySonAndl Sun 22-May-16 02:34:17

It is natural to feel like that when you are with a nice person who might not be expecting at all the bad news. That doesn't mean you are a horrible person, quite the opposite.

I believe that the best way is to be honest, find no culprits and be kind, don't be dragged into the you did this, you did that argument. Just say it as it is, he is a good person, a good friend (if he is)but that someway you have fallen out of love and can't bring the feelings back.

I would say however that if you had sex tonight as your message seems to imply, it may be kinder not to tell him for a few days and be a bit distant towards him so he has a chance to understand there are some bad news coming and have time to prepare for them

MrsDaffs Sun 22-May-16 20:51:17

Still haven't said anything.
Feel completely rotten.
Where are my balls?! And why am I finding it so hard?
Ds is obviously a big factor but I'm sure he will cope.
Dh on the other hand....

I think it's guilt. I will be fine and get the house....he has to start again...

LaBelleOtero Sun 22-May-16 21:33:19

Is the house in your name only?

MrsDaffs Sun 22-May-16 21:52:18

Rented and it's in my name.
Alongside the fact that ds will stay with me as the '1st home' so he is the one who will leave.

Resilience16 Mon 23-May-16 12:10:18

Hi Mrs Daffs. How long have you been together and have things suddenly changed or has this been building for a while?
Communication between the two of you sounds a bit skewed. Would the relationship be salvageable if the pair of you talked? You sound pretty sure that it's over for you, but is wanting to "spend every minute" with someone a realistic or achievable long term aim in any relationship?
Is it because you prefer the honeymoon period more than the actual mundane day to day bits of a relationship? Or is there more to this situation than you originally posted?
I think you have to be really honest with yourself about your reasons for wanting to end your relationship, and unless your ds has a bad relationship with dh then please don't minimise the effect of the split on him.
You aren't a horrible person, and I really do sympathise with your situation, but please do think it through rationally and objectively.
Good luck x

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 23-May-16 12:14:59

Saying it is the hardest part and there is no nice way to dress it up but you can do it, you just have to open your mouth and say the words. Not saying it doesn't make things easier for either of you because you are both living a lie.

Good luck.

MrsDaffs Mon 23-May-16 12:36:30

We have been together 13years. Ds is 8.

It's a long having someone in your life and I'm petrified I'm doing the wrong thing and this is just a blip.
The illness sit down and think....it's been a 3 year ish blip with some major ups and downs resulting in here and now.

I don't think there is a way back for me....mentally I have accepted it and it's over but seem completely unable to tell him that.

Doesn't help that we go away on holiday for a week in June. I want ds to have a good family holiday because he doesn't get them often.

I think we could become really good friends again but I don't think that could happen whole we are together and there is obviously going to be a time between well here it's not going to be all that great while we work out what's what.

I hate hurting people.
I know he's going to take it hard.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 23-May-16 13:17:04

I finally grasped my courage in my hands on Saturday after 27 years of marriage, I have stuck it out for years and years knowing how unhappy I am but I know it is right for me. Have you considered speaking to a counsellor to talk through your feelings?

MrsDaffs Tue 24-May-16 01:59:11

Well we've had a chat....didn't quite go as planned but it's out there.

He knows there is a problem between us
He has said he doesn't think it's all just about him. He says I've been different in other aspects of my life and if I'm honest he's right.
Whether he is the cause of it all is now what I need to suss out....would I be the same if he wasn't here etc if so then I need to sort myself out.

Either way we have decided to get the holiday out of the way for ds more than anything and in the meantime at least try and talk to each other more and then go from there.
I don't personally think we can ever go back to how we were....in my head I think while I love and care for him it's not in the way I should anymore and it's not fair on either of us to keep going.

I almost wish he was a complete prick because then it would be easier but he's a good man even with his faults.

MeMySonAndl Sun 29-May-16 16:37:42

MrsDafts, just saw your update. It is abi step but most likely the right one. Things will change in the future whether you sort things up or not. I hope everything works well in the end, there maybe a difficult time ahead, but once the changes are done and the shock has worn off, you will feel as if the sun has come out.

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