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Chucking him out(16 Posts)
Some of you will have noticed that my marriage isn't the best
I often read comments relating to "chucking him out", "I chucked him out", "I made him leave" etc etc
I know for a fact if I tried to do this to my husband he would laugh in my face.
When things blew up the other week & the DV team arrived, after a brawl with our 18yo (all H's fault, although he's throwing that back & blaming us for it), one of them was asked to leave (both adults - blame was, in the eyes of the law, equal) - that or one of them be arrested. "I'm not going anywhere - this is my home". DS went to a friend's overnight.
The following day I suggested to H that he ought to go to our holiday cottage for a few days to give DS space - "No - this is my home - I'm not going anywhere".
He is the most stubborn, most unreasonable person, & it is impossible to call his bluff. I DS &/or I went to the cottage, H would find a reason to come too.
FWIW we're all still here - DS & I are playing the long game.
Well that's a shituation if ever there were one. Particularly for your DS it seems. No way would I be staying with this so-called man. If he wouldn't leave, I would.
What exactly do you mean about the long game, OP?
The long game is that we can't just up & leave at the moment. Plans have to be made. I have to be careful
OK... I really hope you know what you're doing and that you're safe. Good luck with it, you're a different woman to me because I'd be G.O.N.E. Fuck the long game, life is short.
I did it.
It took me years to build up the courage although my DC are younger than yours but in the grand scheme of things this is what I did:
I waited for the next big kick off and then I called the police from the bathroom and told them I was scared (which I was, I was terrified) I settled the DC down and we went to bed with him downstairs.
The police arrived and spoke to both of us, seperated. I told them it was a misunderstanding, I played it down and begged them to leave us all here, which they did.
I carried on a s normal in the morning, let him leave for work, took DC to school and went to work myself and then blagged a headache and went home at lunchtime. I packed his bags and put them in the boot of my car. I was going to text him nearer the time he was due home but he turned up just after lunchtime - totally out of character and a long way to travel, God knows what his plan was/reason for leaving early that day but thankfully I got home before him and had locked myself in.
He went mental when he realised he couldn't get in and my car was on the drive. I was petrified as he slammed on the door and climbed the gate to try the back door, I thought he was going to smash the windows in. I called 999 and gave them the reference number from that morning. I then sent him a text to say his stuff was in my boot (unlocked) more banging and shouting, I prayed a neighbour might come out and then prayed they wouldn't. I will never forget the fear. He gave up and left before the police arrived.
I gave a full statement to the police and I had no idea where he was going to stay. I went to my GP and got signed off of work. I spent a coup,e of weeks locked in the house with duvets against any bare windows with friends helping out on the school runs.
I spoke to the police DV unit and WA and met up with them and worked through what I needed to do.
Our mortgage is in joint names. I'm now paying all my own way whilst he pays an agreed amount in CM and he hasn't lived her since early Feb.
DH is a bully, he is intimidating, charming to any one that doesn't know him properly. He laughed in my face many a time whilst telling me I couldn't cope without him and how I would be nothing without him. He was wrong. It's not easy but I'm doing it and will continue to do it and I now recognise his behaviour as abuse so I find it easier to try and do 1 day at a time.
OP, I hope you find a resolution eventually.
I was a victim of DV, and found the police spectacularly unhelpful; I phoned several times after I was assaulted. They did come out, but either suggested we should work it out (haha) or said they would arrest him. What I actually wanted them to do was get him out of the house, just for one night, but they refused to get involved as it was his house too and up to him if he wanted to stay, apparently.
I have no faith in the police anymore.
In the end, some years later, I moved out of the house, because I knew he never would.
Gosh Hopping - for you
I hope to God it won't get that bad. I can steel myself against the bad-mouthing etc - I'll find out who my friends really are. Breaking my stuff worries me - he's done that before - I know it's only "stuff" & I've realised that there are really very few things that are truly important to me & I can protect those.
My instinct having known him for 27 years) tells me he will crumple & then some time later become angry, & then vindictive, manipulative, heel-dragging, etc
I would like to give you some advice, but in all honesty I have done it both ways. ExH I just planned it and simply walked out, second partner I did chuck him out and was able to as the mortgage is in my name. Once bitten etc. But the link is the behaviour towards your son, that is issue I had with second partner. He may be 18 but a very young adult, why should he be the one to go?
Cat, have you started divorce proceedings ? That tends to focus the mind, and the actions.
I hear a lot of 'pack his bags' 'kick him out'
on this and other websites. If the home is owned or leased in two names you have no legal right to kick the other party out.
Unless there are allegations of violence of course, then it might be different. Unfortunately, women (by and large) have made false allegations to have the man removed from the home when they know they can't just kick him out, which is totally unacceptable and downright devious.
Not that I have reason to but I think my DH would outright refuse if I told him to leave, especially as he pays the mortgage.
Now if he was cheating he may well go out of shame if I told him to leave, but that would only be temporary.
I'm sorry pestilentialCat but from reading your OP I feel like it has already reached that point in your relationship. I can't ever imagine letting one of our DC leave over him staying.
I feel very protective over our DC even when they are in the wrong because his behaviour as an adult should be better than what it is and as the adult he should know bloody better.
It's been a very hard road and stil is <glares at the ceiling where teens are still moving around> but it's a better place to be and I don't have to 2nd guess myself or worry about being verbally attacked or threatened or panic about the smallest situation involving him cause our DC to see and learn behaviours that can't be accepted.
I would suggest keeping a diary and making notes as well as staying on here, it's my strength to be able to read back.
Sandy, my experience was some years ago but it seemed then that even WITH incidents of DV, I would not have been able to get my Ex out of the house easily (as police were unable/unwilling to intervene). I'd like to think it might be better now but I doubt much has changed.
I remembered your previous thread. Have you been in contact with women's aid or made any plans to leave yourself? You said on that thread you were going to look at flats.
I have to disagree but I suppose I may be only speaking about my own area police and support.
Seriously, I have no one to help apart from the police and WA both have been invaluable, I called them and they were very supportive in helping me gain my strength.
There is no reason why some one in fear and in a dangerous situation can't say enough is enough and lock them out, call for help and pursue support in keeping them out whilst you have time to re consider and think of a survival plan. It needs seeing through and it is very scary but it can be done.
If the police BH believe you are in physical danger they can remove him from the home but to keep him out, you'd likely require a restraining order.
They take DV more serious these days.
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