So angry...

[Lonelymum25]

Hello,

I have been married for 13 years, we have a 13 year old daughter and a 7 year old son. Husband is either bipolar or schizophrenic, he has never wanted to go and see a doctor as he is afraid he will not be able to perform his job (operating heavy machinery). As a result he often says things and then later on changes his mind or thinks he has said things when he hasn't and then this is my fault for not listening or somehow its always my fault as i am stuck up and i see him smaller than me. Because his mental problems, he never achieved at school and is a manual worker, which there is nothing wrong with that as a job is as honorable as any other in my opinion but in all out married life, well actually since i did a second degree and he supported me and our daughter through it, since then he rants about how he has no choice in what to do as he hates his job, he always belittles my job as i have 2 degrees and i am currently doing a part time master degree as well as working full time, looking after our two children and their little social agendas and out house as Mr doesn't lift a thing. He has the ability to turn everything to me and since i am not a native English speaker he has a very fast tongue compared to me. Also, he always ends up swearing and i always end up getting upset about it as i demand the same respect he is given when i speak to him without swearing. But he always manages to turn it to me and says i may not swear but i say hurtful things to me, you know he ends ups up being the victim.

Do you get the picture? he always thinks i am belittling him and looking down at him as i am very prepared and i have a good job, he has voiced the fact that he wants to quit his job when i finish my master (1 year time) and become a super market delivery driver or some sort of little job like that so i can become the main breadwinner, i do not say much as i tend to ignore his rants but i would never let him do that as if he did that he would then take over our house and children whilst i go and work but he is not capable of even doing the smallest of the tasks.

I am revising for a final exam at the library and i just text-ed him asking if our daughter liked her vegetarian sausages, he was like what sausages? i then spoke to my daughter and told me her and 7 year old son were the ones who put the shopping that got delivered away while dad watched tv.

This is often the case that he just sits down and watches tv as the kids go to their bedrooms and watch tv while he watches his programs. this is if i am not home of course.

I am very fed up and sad that the man i once loved has turned into what i hate the most. I married to have a husband who was my partner in crime, who wanted a family with me and who would do with me all those little things we take for granted such as talk, have a hug, a kiss or even sex. I don't remember the last time we had sex as he is a manual worker and he doesn't have a shower as soon as he gets home so even if it sounds horrible, i cant when someone is smelly, also i do not feel loved nor wanted when all i receive is negative comments.

He speaks very rudely when he is at home and even when the kids are around which i always jump to his throat for it, i come from a very different background than him and i always thought we could over come that when we married but i can now see it is impossible.

I can not look at him really, makes me feel resentful, sad, angry and very very disappointing.

My mum and dad are due to come for a couple of months to visit from my home country and i am really looking forward to it as i will then have proper family time with them and i will not have to even talk to him.

I am definitely going to divorce him but i want to finish my master degree first and then find my self with a saved lump sum under my belt for the security of my children.

They will not miss him as he doesn't do anything with them unless i nag him, i am the one who organises everything and plans and does everything with them and the house, he is just a burden as he still complains about everything.

Tonight i had to buy stuff to make hot dogs for dinner for him to be able to make something to the kids while i am at the library as he would have probably given them beans on toast of ordered a take away, i am so fed up, angry and disappointed, i feel like i have wasted years of my life with a man i despise now.

Sorry, i had to rant....... i shall now go back to my revising.

[sadnortherner]

As commented on my thread about a similar situation, I know only too well the sadness and feelings of worthlessness that your situation generates and I'm sad that he is treating you this way

How was he in the early days of your relationship?

[Imbroglio]

It sounds awful and you both sound unhappy in this relationship.

To make life a little less stressful for you all I wondered if you could step back a bit when he is looking after the kids? Does it really matter if they have beans on toast or a takeaway occasionally? You could ask him what he would like to cook and offer to pick up the bits he'll need while you are shopping, but then leave him to it.

I also wouldn't assume that the kids won't miss him. You may be angry with him but he's their dad and they will probably be upset if he's not around unless he's abusive to them. From what you have written he sounds unhappy and possibly depressed.

I'm not excusing him - far from it - but if you decide to split its in everybody's interest that it as amicable as possible and that the children are able to maintain a relationship with their dad.

[summerwinterton]

He sounds like an abusive gaslighter to me - without a diagnosis how do you know he is actually schizophrenic or bipolar. Or are you just chucking those words around to justify his abusive, lazyiness?

[Lonelymum25]

Imbroglio, thank you for your advice. I did that today, before i left to the library to revise i asked if he wanted me to pick some bits for dinner, he said he had it covered.

You are very right regarding our children, they are the reason why i am still with him.

[Lonelymum25]

I mentioned schizophrenia of bipolarity as he does listen to voices, he also has very drastic mood swings and an endless list of symptoms i have read for both illnesses. He also know he has a problem, but its only when he has a few moments being lucid he accepts it.

Sadly he will never go and see a doctor about it. thanks for your reply.

[Imbroglio]

Sounds really difficult. It's hard to help someone who won't get help.

You sound amazing - studying for a masters and working FT and looking after the family is a huge achievement.