Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Need a pep talk ....

(15 Posts)
Rix456 Sat 21-May-16 16:39:19

Basically i had been with my husband for 13 years, 10 days after my dd was born I found some messages to a girl he works with telling her he loved her. After 2 months of him sleeping on the couch he lied and said he was going out I found out the next day he had been to the pics with the girl he denied ever having an affair with. I threw him out that day.
My dd is now 5 months and I'm finding it harder than ever to let go, last weekend he confirmed they were together, i had a bit of a meltdown and had a good cry. It felt as though I was punched in the stomach.
Basically I just want to know how you guys got over cheating exes, I still love him so much and it kills me to think of them together. I try to be strong and move on and then something daft sets me off again, it's like a vicious circle I go through. He still pops over to help bath the baby and look after her, and I think it messes with my head but I don't want to deny my daughter time with her dad... I know it sounds daft, he cheated, I should hate him... But I'm really struggling to move on.

FoxyLaRoxy Sat 21-May-16 17:34:05

Oh OP I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice except take It easy on yourself. You have been through so much when you are at your most vulnerable. I know it's hard to turn of your feelings but you deserve so much better. Hugs flowers

Strawberryjam34 Sat 21-May-16 18:03:30

Hi OP I'm in the same boat as you at the moment. Some days are good others are horrendous. I just want to hate my husband but I just cant sustain it, in spite of all the hurt and pain he's put this family through.
I've been going through a cycle of this now for the last 5 months and it just seems never ending. I'm fed up now and want to get off this ride - it's shit! This isn't the life I want.
You want to hate someone but it's hard, as you can't just turn off you emotions!
I've come to the conclusion that the only way to get over this is to go no contact with him. ( unfortunately not completely due to our daughter) That is heart breaking in itself, he wasn't just my husband he was my best friend too but, I have to keep reminding myself that he's not the man I thought he was. I just wish I could get up and take my daughter and move away - but life doesn't allow that.
Everyone had assured me it does get better over time. It's all about getting back control and your self worth (this is what my Counsellor tells me) - but it's easier said than done. It has to be done though as I can't take anymore pain. It's ruining my work, my mental health and also the time I spend with my daughter - so enough!
Big hugs to you xxx

Rix456 Sat 21-May-16 18:23:18

Ah strawberryjam, so sorry to hear this! It's exactly that. I lost my best friend. He would be the one I would turn to, feels daft, lately it's daft things that set me off, yesterday I actually cried over a bin, then I think, how ridiculous? Look at yourself woman! It's the denial and for months in my head I knew they were together but he would never admit it! The other woman split with her boyfriend and I knew this as I messaged him (🙈) but my husband still claimed that she was with her boyfriend and nothing was going on. I'm about 5months also from when I found out, hoping it gets easier soon. I'm still on maternity so I'm lucky in some respects that I don't have work to contend with. If you ever need to to chat, I'm a a good listener going through a similar experience 😞 X

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 21-May-16 18:39:44

Op sending you hugs ♡
I was 32 weeks pregnant with our daughter when my ex left me for someone he works with in January (he also done it when I was 20 weeks pregnant with our son now 2)
Baby is now 12 weeks old on Tuesday I was an emotional wreck for some long I ended up getting councilling for pnd and still getting over it. I often have a wee cry when I think about him taking her away for the night like he used to do with me. I am still trying to get over it it's so hard!
Right now I am at the anger and hurt stage where I hate him because he is letting my kids down.
Be gentle with yourself look after yourself and spend some good time with friends and family that love you

Strawberryjam34 Sat 21-May-16 18:52:26

Thank you and the same to you - feel free to message me anytime.
I had all the denial and the minimising as from him as well. I think you have got the remember that it's a grieving process and give yourself time. I have been with my husband for 18 years (married for nearly 12) My entire life changed in a flash and I didn't see it coming at all - or had no say in it. I thought we were very happy and content with life - I was obviously wrong. It all the other effects as well that really annoy me because as well as losing my husband (although he has begged to come back) I've now feel completely vulnerable, unattractive and alone.
Not to mention that I will never ever ever trust anyone again. My husband was the one person that I thought I could count on completely - I was wrong there!

hurtandconfued2016 Sat 21-May-16 19:21:27

Strawberry flowerswine for you that had me in tears. Xxx

Rix456 Sat 21-May-16 23:21:46

sad don't feel like that, I completely understand though, I changed everything about my appearance when I found out, cut all my hair and lost a lot of weight. It breaks your self esteem.
I know what you mean, you have dreams and plans and then it's all gone in a flash, I just can't get over the timing of it, like you hurtandconfued2016 I was pregnant when it all began, I knew something was up and can pinpoint the exact day it all changed. My baby was 10 days old when I had my gut instincts confirmed, 5 days before Xmas, I have loved every second of my baby so far but I do think it should have been different, more special and not tainted with mummy crying over the most ridiculous things, for that I will always hate him.
I 100% know he is to blame, but I will never understand woman who cheat with married men, especially ones with a pregnant wife at home! I just hope it never happens to her, because I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy 😞 Xx

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 22-May-16 02:55:42

Op I am the same I cut my hair, Dyed it, I am currently getting treatment for an eating disorder (I have never had a problem before this happened) in totally during pregnancy I lost 3 stone it was very unhealthy.
I am the one sitting up every nught with the 2 kids dealing with my heartbreaking.
I met him and the ow in a restaurant when I was 34 weeks pregnant and she looked at me like I was a bit of dirt on the floor whilst I stood holding my bump crying.
When It first happened I will be honest I didn't want my baby I mean that has changed but it was hard.
As for her I hate her just as much as I hate him I know people will say she owes you nothing etc but surely some people have a little bit of respect for other people?
Do you have many friends and family that you can talk to and look to for support?

Rix456 Sun 22-May-16 07:12:14

Aww I'm so sorry to hear, you have me in tears reading that! No one deserves to be treat that way, many have told me that everything happens for a reason and that karma will catch up with them, wether it be insecurities in there relationship, not sure how much I believe it but, hopefully they get what they deserve. Like you I simply cannot understand why a woman would go with a man who has a pregnant wife at home? Disgusting! And as for her looking at you like dirt, That is vile, let's hope one day she isn't in your shoes!
Some of the things that I use to get me through the day, yes it's bloody hard (like when we are on the 3rd hour of trying to get her to sleep) but I have my dd at home with me everyday, I get to see her grow up, and help shape the person she will become, I would not want her to grow up thinking that it is ok for men to treat you the way I was treat, never. Another thing a friend who had been in a similar situation told me was no matter what's going on at home, when you walk out that door look your best, hold your head up high, it might seem daft advise but it did help a little as I was paranoid people were talking about me, so I put on my make up and got out my slacks, and people noticed, said I looked fantastic and it gave me the boost I needed. I'm here if you ever need to vent/talk. I have friends but unless you've been through it I think no-one understands. Xx

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 22-May-16 09:57:09

Yeah I find none of my friends understand all they ever say is you need to get over him and her being together and get over that the family unit is no longer there.
We are currently going through lawyers and possible court soon to sort out contact and he is being unless! Only seen baby twice in 12 week and reduced his time with ds because he has other obligations!
I always make sure when I leave the house my hair is done I'm wearing nice clothes etc it does make me feel better!

What is it like with him have contact with baby?

Rix456 Sun 22-May-16 10:14:54

It's heartbreaking thinking of them together, I spend hours torturing myself over it. I have found myself doing it less and less untill this week when it was confirmed and I felt like I was back to square 1. I was a mess the first month or so, didn't want to leave the house sat in my pjs all day.
That's terrible, I think no matter what's going on you should make time for your kids he will regret it one day as he will never get this time back. My ex isn't so good, thinks he can pop over here and there for 30minutes which is part of the problem as when he's here I just get upset, he comes in new clothes every week clearly taking care of himself while I struggle to get a shower for 5minutes 😞. I tried putting set days in a month or so ago as he was waiting untill the last minute before telling me when he was having her, leaving me sat around moping! He is yet to stick to the new rules (every other weekend over night and alternate Sunday's) can't remember the last time he had her on a Sunday (always has other plans, which she doesn't fit into) his turn to have her today, haven't heard from him since Friday, and no mention of having her, so I'm just going to not mention it see if he has time for her today. I think set routine is what will work best but it getting him to see that 😡 Xx

APomInOz Sun 22-May-16 11:04:11

Ladies, this is dreadful to read and my heart goes out to all of you. Lots of hugs and I hope you all get to move on to a better life that you deserve. You are beautiful, strong and brave and a wonderful role model for your children.
Good luck.

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 22-May-16 11:12:26

Yeah my ex is the same new clothes tells me he's taking her out for dinner were I'm struggling to buy myself a pair of trainers!

I done that with my ex letting in come put ds to bed and I stopped it because I was getting heart every time he left and would cry and be a mess. It wasn't fair on ds or me because it was just giving him a false idea of what it will be like.
I would for the sake of you go to mediation and get the days set. Not only for you but for the baby and if he doesn't stick to tat he get punished for it.
This way you and the baby know what's happening and also he might be less likely to let you down xx

Rix456 Sun 22-May-16 11:53:45

Yup I know that feeling, on maternity leave all my clothes hang off me.
Well he turned up no message to say when he was coming. Foaming. Actually used the phrase "you blew your chance with me", which instead of sitting crying I'm laughing at! Blew my chance... That's what he obviously believes! Men... I think he's took her to meet the little home wrecker which breaks my heart but nothing I can do about it 😭
I will try mediation if he doesn't start sticking to the proposed agreement, I'm starting to keep record of when he has her.
Thanks apominoz, it's not easy, but were strong people who will move forward... Eventually xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now