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He's shattered my world, how can I cope?

(75 Posts)
tobbay Sat 21-May-16 16:09:40

We had a love at first sight relationship and prided ourselves on the fact that from the second "we just knew". We were the same person, same type of parent, same interests, the connection was unbelievable, great sex, total and utter love, soul mates.

We did do everything pretty fast because the feelings were so intense so integrated our boys (2 each), said I love you, thought moving in together etc...

3 weeks ago he proposed. Not just a fleeting thought... he'd planned it for months, made loads of pictures and things (he's an artist) and sent it all to a woman, hired a beach hut as the beach is my favourite place to be, then planned a local restaurant to bring us breakfast and coffee after he'd done it... It was amazing! 1 week ago his first text was "you are my first and last thought and everything in between. Can't wait for our weekend to start to show you how much I love you". That's how most of our texts were and they carried on through the day. By 6pm he'd ignored me which was unusal and to cut the story short by 10.pm I was so worried I went round and he said he was having feelings for his ex girlfriend (not the boys mum) and from then he cut me off his phone, Facebook everything.

I can't tell you how devastated and shocked and hurt to my core I am. We were perfect and blissfully happy.

Apparently this ex had emailed to say she missed him, he asked advice on something to do with his son and then carried on messaging her to the point he thought she was a better bet.

He ignored me amm Thursday night and Fri but came to see me sat and said he was worried about the four boys living together and that he had feelings for her as it was easier and more relaxed. I spent the weekend distrught and crying, haven't eaten or slept. He emailed to say he would think alot.

Monday he emailed saying sorry I panicked, we have an amazing thing, could I go round Tuesday night which I did. He promised me he wasn't in touch with the ex.

Tuesday night we talked about slow g ot all diwn and just seeing each on our boy free weekends and just enjoying us rather than the steps of moving house and making our family's combine quickly. He kissed and cuddled me and told me he was scared of losing me and that he loves me. The next day we were going to get a plan together although he was still saying he wasn't sure if he wanted his ex.
Next morning he emailed yo say he hadn't been truthful and he had met up with her and been messaging her and he can't give me what I want.
I kept trying to say but look what we had, it was nothing compared to his marriage or ex as his ex wife told me (we are friends).

I kerp contacting him saying I don't get it and why wont he try as he said he's feels he may be having a mini breakdown so I'm willing to stand by him.
Yesterday he said he can't turn his emotions and he still has feelings gs for me and he hasn't gone back to and isn't with this woman.

I said so why arent we together? Why can't we start again and date, just us?

His reply was "I don't know!"

That's the last contact. But I so desperately want to email and say if you haven't gone back to your ex let's try. We are worth fighting for but I have said that numerous times already.

What do I do? I am hurting like you wouldn't believe, I thought our live together was forever and it was so out the blue I just wasn't expecting it. I miss him dreadfully... I want him back...

Is me contacting him pushing him away? Should I stop all contact and let him miss me? I'm scared if I do he'll not miss me and go to her or someone else. I hate not seeing his name on my phone or seeing him. It's killing me and I don't know how to cope. I've turned into the woman who begs and has no self respect but ant help it. He was my soul mate and I love him...

Please help and give advice on where to go from here x

Isetan Sat 21-May-16 16:44:56

How long were you together? He's one of those types who talks a very good talk but isnt equipped to do the walk. However, things sound like they moved very quickly indeed and you convinced yourself with talk of being soul mates, that this was a real life fairytale. Now the highs over, you've got no choice but to live with the withdrawal.

Stay NC and instead of looking to him for answers (that he probably doesn't have), start asking yourself why you chose 'he's the one, so why wait' over 'he's the one, so why rush'.

IthinkIamsinking Sat 21-May-16 16:46:26

Sorry but this will not end well.
His intentions towards you may have been, on the surface, honourable but I suspect he may have been trying to convince himself more than anything that he was over his ex and wanted a future with you. He is not over his ex and until he is you are wasting your time.
Do not contact him. This will be hard but trust me..... the more you contact him the worse it will get

Hissy Sat 21-May-16 17:09:31

This sounds familiar, I feel for you, it's going to take a very long time to get ver this, but you have to.

How long were you together? Was it a whirlwind relationship? Why did it not work out with his ex?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 21-May-16 17:18:18

Well, he obviously lied about how he felt about you. He obviously doesn't care much about how his behaviour makes you feel or he wouldn't have behaved like this. He wouldn't have been messaging other women if you were so special to him.

You don't want him back. You want the lie back. It was nice.

I'd be livid if I were you. I certainly wouldn't be offering to "fight for him" while he decides whether he wants me or his ex more and whether he can talk to me today or not. Bollocks to that.

Hagrid3112 Sat 21-May-16 17:19:03

You poor thing. As hard as it is, I think you need to give him and yourself some space. Give yourself a chance to cry it out and get your head straight for if/when you speak again, and give him a chance to make up his mind. After the initial hurt is over, you may decide that you don't want him back anyway, if he can so easily do this to you.
Definitely do not contact him first, and if he contacts you, don't reply too quickly. Don't give him the chance to think he can string you along - not saying he is like that, but not worth the risk.
You need to think about the long term effects this relationship might have on your DC. If you sort it out this time and then he changes his mind after moving in/getting married/whatever, it will not just be hard on you, but hard on all the DC too

Resilience16 Mon 23-May-16 12:30:25

I am do sorry this had happened to you and I know it hurts like hell, but believe me when I say you deserve better and you need to walk away.
How a person treats you is indicative of how they feel about you. He wants to have his cake and eat it, if he really loved you and wanted to be with you he would be.
You thought you had found your soul mate, sorry but that was wishful thinking. This person seems to get off on the romance and drama of a whirlwind romance, but didn't actually want the reality of a real relationship.He could be with you if he wanted to be, he isn't because he doesn't want to be. That may sound harsh, but that is the truth here.
If after all this you did actually get back together could you ever trust him again? I can virtually guarantee that he will let you down again and again , until you accept his manipulative behaviour as normality and any self esteem you have has been ground down to dust.
You are worth more. Hold your head up and walk on x

PiePiePie Mon 23-May-16 13:35:33

How long have you been together? What does the ex wife say about their relationship and the ones that followed her?

I need to spell out what I think you know: there's just no way a normal adult with normal feelings suddenly pulls the rug out from under the love of their life because an ex emails to say they miss them. It simply does not happen. Somewhere in here there is something very wrong.

SandyY2K Mon 23-May-16 13:40:50

Whatever you do don't contact him.

It's truly devastating what he's put you through, but don't contact him. How does someone go from proposing 3 weeks ago to this? I don't know if I could be with a man like this. I'd be scared to come home one day and find out he'd upped and left.

Don't call or text or anything else.

If he decides to come and talk..... then let him know exactly how you feel about what he's done. Your heart isn't in safe hands with him.

PiePiePie Mon 23-May-16 13:41:43

Btw, this shows you know deep down what's going on here:

"I'm scared if I do he'll not miss me and go to her or someone else."

If you believed, right to your core, that he was a decent person, worthy of your love, and that everything in your fairytale beginning was true, you wouldn't have this fear, would you.

sonjadog Mon 23-May-16 13:42:26

It sounds like he (and maybe you) got caught up in the romance. Sorry, but I don't think there is a future in this one. Very painful to let go, but the hurt will pass.

AyeAmarok Mon 23-May-16 13:49:34

How long were you together?

I think you need to just let this relationship go. A) because it's not a good relationship, that much is clear from the outside perspective of us hearing what's happened so far, and B) because this relationship is not good for you.

It's not. You might think it is and be desperate to have him back, but it's not. He's cheating on you. You're a backup plan and he is a player and a class A prick.

You will get over this, but you need to go cold turkey. No contact.

JuliannalovesCliveBixby Mon 23-May-16 13:49:35

As painful as it is, he does not love you the way you love him. His words mean nothing, he is SHOWING you how he feels about you by running off with his ex. He's a liar, he cheated. Cut and run, you deserve better. I'm sorry flowers

tipsytrifle Mon 23-May-16 13:52:11

He sounds amazingly whimsical. Maybe it's the bohemian essence or something but in this case it would be madness to try and hold on to him. Please don't do the pick-me dance.

If he is this easily and simply swayed by his ex then - if he hasn't already been - another woman would find him an easy conquest. Maybe he has boundary issues, maybe he's a free spirit who could never stay in one bed relationship for long, maybe he's a toxic fool. I don't know the answer but loving him would be a major waste of your precious time and being.

tipsytrifle Mon 23-May-16 13:57:29

He hasn't shattered your world. Trampled over/abused your hopes and expectations, for sure. How will you cope? By understanding that he's an idiot and building your OWN world for YOU. If, at any time, you feel like allowing someone new into your world then so be it. If they disappoint or harm then you evict them from your world. Your life. Your rules.

HazelBite Mon 23-May-16 13:57:54

I'm so sorry but he is what I would term a "serial romantic" its all about the emotions and the big gestures and when real life rears its ugly head along with practical matters he goes for the romance, the chase, the next excitement.

Do yourself a big, big favour even if he comes around again wanting to try again and win you around DON'T.

DH has a friend like this we never know what woman he will have in tow, he often re-visits past conquests and goes back periodically to his ex-wife full of emotion and talks her round!!

He is not a keeper, don't kid yourself. Wallow in your misery for a bit then congratulate yourself for dodging a bullet flowers

ChicRock Mon 23-May-16 13:58:55

The only person this man loves is himself.

There were red flags all over this from the start and you got swept along. It's all been fantasy, not real life.

Don't waste any more of your time on him.

Aussiemum78 Mon 23-May-16 14:03:41

He sounds like a player and for some reason, you've been vulnerable to believing his fantasies about soul mates etc.

Moving fast is a red flag of an abuser by the way. And I think he is one. He's probably telling his ex the same stories he tells you, and letting you fight over him.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Mon 23-May-16 14:12:35

you are a bit player in a very big scene for him

he has wooed and chased you, every big romantic gesture there is has been pulled out of the hat in order to demonstrate to this Ex/other woman just how high she is in his estimation

look, I have this perfect relationship with this perfect woman (you), but I because I am such a romantic hero, I am prepared to throw all that over for the chance to get back with you (the ex)

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 23-May-16 14:15:14

We had a love at first sight relationship and prided ourselves on the fact that from the second "we just knew". We were the same person, same type of parent, same interests, the connection was unbelievable, great sex, total and utter love, soul mates.

Just guessing of course, but this, imho, sounds like he was mirroring you as part of his seduction plan. Single parent=easy target? Did you inadvertently give off a desperation vibe: energetic fun and perhaps too easy to mirror him back?

Sorry to be blunt, but I think he is using you for entertainment. And to source you as another member for his harem. And to bask in the glow of the hot mess of women pining for him.

Stop making your happiness hinge on him-your happiness can only come from within you. You have been manipulated and engulfed by this bloke. Don't be invisible to yourself for the """fairy tale""" ... too good to be true. Yeah, that.

For the sake of your own self esteem, please do not put your life on pause while he "tries" to decide... you decide for yourself and that'd be a definite "no" to the pick-me-dance. Give him the gift of your absence/silence... and surprise-it will be a great gift to yourself as well.

Stormtreader Mon 23-May-16 15:04:30

I suspect he likes the "great romance". Hes had the whirlwind courtship, and the huge romantic proposal, and now hes looking at just...life. But now theres his ex, and suddenly its the long lost lovers reconciled, how dramatic and romantic!
While he's chasing that buzz, he'll never be happy to really settle with just being in a relationship.

tobbay Mon 23-May-16 15:32:15

Met him at the beginning of this year.

Recent developments are he's told me he is not with this woman and alone and that he hurts like me. He's asked me to meet Friday... I want to.. but since asking that and chatting yesterday, he's now blanking me again.

All games and power isn't it? And if he wanted me he would be in constant co tact wouldn't he? It just hurts so bad that our whole world and plans have been ripped away from me when there was NO sign of anything apart from love and commitment

HoursOfFun Mon 23-May-16 16:06:11

Having had a slightly similar experience I'd say yes it's all about the power for him.
You must go cold turkey. He does not deserve any of your time. And though it hurts like hell you'll be better off in the long run to end it completely now. He sounds like a fraudster.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 23-May-16 16:16:29

you are my first and last thought and everything in between

If I received that text on anything other than our wedding day I'd run a mile, and if I received it some time after the nuptials had been celebrated I'd wonder what he'd been up to. smile

You allowed yourself to get caught up in a whirlwind of lust heady emotion and became infatuated with him, but you've been around long enough to know that real life is not a Hollywood movie and that such intensity is unlikely to last.

Knowing that you've been taken for a ride, albeit that you couldn't wait to get on board, hurts but in time you'll see it for what it was; a romantic fantasy that couldn't be sustained.

The moral of the story is to keep your feet firmly on the ground whenever your head takes to the clouds.

I suspect you know you've been foolish, OP, and what will hurt most is that you made a gross error of judgement of the kind that requires you to take a cold hard look at yourself and root out the emotional neediness that persuaded you to believe his hype.

As advised by others, if you want to salvage what dignity you can from this sorry tale you'll stop pleading with him and block him/cut him dead, and resolve not to involve your dc in your sexual affairs until you are absolutely certain that they consist of considerably more than hot air which is a process that will take much longer than five minutes months.

Resilience16 Mon 23-May-16 16:20:05

He is playing with you, reeling you in then leaving you hanging. It looks a lot like the beginning of a classic emotionally abusive relationship. Abusers are very clever in making you feel special before they pull the rug away. The aim is to keep you constantly on the back foot,and hoping that things will go back to the way they seemed at the beginning. It is all part of the manipulation. He is probably doing the same to the ex, and did the same to the ex wife.They are exes for a reason...and my money on his behaviour being that reason.
If you get back together, he will then know he can treat you like crap and get away with it, so the cycle of abuse will continue. You will begin to doubt yourself, wonder if it is all your fault, think you are not good enough...be live me I am talking from experience here as,I have been through something similar.
Do yourself a favour, go no contact now and run while you have the chance. I really wish I had seen things more clearly myself and not wasted 4 years on a deluded toxic relationship that had red flags and cracks in it pretty much from the start.
You can do better, you deserve better

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