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Stuck with my parents and feeling abused, so fed up

(34 Posts)
everybitofsun Sat 21-May-16 14:08:11

Struggling today.

I'm nearly 30 and, after ending a 3 year relationship a year ago (we rented together), I have decided to buy a house alone. This has been quite scary, and been a huge reminder that I am 'single' in capital letters. I suppose because I never imagined it would be like this. But i'm lucky to be able to buy a focusing on that.

I'm struggling because, until the house goes through, I have another 5 weeks of living with my, possibly abusive parents. I've been here for 2 weeks already, and feel like a broken person. I'm staying here for financial reasons.

Today, I went to the shop and when I got back my parents had left the house and not left me a key. I'm not allowed my own key as I'm 'not trusted' in the house without them, as a generla rule. Unless it's vital I'm not allowed here on my own, they have to be here with me. This is becuase im messy, not because they think i will steal anything. I'm not actually messy at all, but that's a whole other story.

I then called my mum and, no apology, but starts talking to my dad while im on the phone, and having a conversation about something else..!! At first I thought it was a mistake,so I hung up and called back. She answers, then does the same again, so i can only hear a muffling sound like she's put the phone in her bag. There was no shouting from me, nothing like that. I was left outside the house feeling completely shit.

Last night I had to bring work home with me, and I wasnt allowed to use the dining room table in case I marked it. So I had to do work on the floor in the bedroom. BUT, when they want to talk about their daughter's 'great career', they're happy to do that...just seem to have no understanding while im actually trrying to do my job!!

Food. Another issue. I buy my own food and im told it's taking up space in their fridge so I need to stop. Then I'm moaned at for not contributing. Also had a 45 minute lecture about not buying free range eggs (i am trying to save every penny at the moment).

What's making me feel worse is that these two weeks have made me remember that they used to do this to me growing up...when I was 17/18. I feel completely abused, but then maybe i'm being dramatic and it's just usual family rows.

I can't stay with friends and have no other relatives in the area. I've already thought about ALL other options before doing this.

So fed up. I'm just complaining really but it's felt better to type this out.

EssentialHummus Sat 21-May-16 14:24:18

Sounds terrible. Given that there is an end date in sight, I'd be minded to just stay out of the house as much as possible. Go to work a bit early and stay later (either reading / browsing the Internet or actually working). Go out for walks if the weather allows. Investigate local libraries, community centres, malls, cafes where you can sit for free or with a £1 coffee for hours. Make time to see friends on weekend (even better if you can stay overnight). See if anyone local needs a housesitter/dogsitter urgently.

My sympathies - I have a poor relationship with my mum, so when I've been stuck living with her I've done combinations of the above.

EssentialHummus Sat 21-May-16 14:25:15

Once you are out, you may find you "re-negotiate" your relationship with parents and see them less. The key thing in particular sounds terrible.

AnotherEmma Sat 21-May-16 14:32:11

Could you ask your friends and colleagues if they know anyone who needs a house-sitter or lodger for the next month?

Failing that, could you see if there is a couch surfing host who would be willing to have you for a bit?

Failing that, youth hostel? The cheapest accommodation you can find?

Surely anything would be better than staying with them.

If there really is NO other option, stay out or in your room as much as possible. Take a key (get one cut if they claim they don't have a spare one for you). And the Stately Homes thread might help you stay sane?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 21-May-16 15:31:35

If you are broken after 2 weeks then doing a further 5 seems ridiculous.

I know you said you looked at every other option, but that was when you thought it wouldn't be as bad as in childhood.

Perhaps after years of living elsewhere you knew that all their criticisms were wrong, you had proven yourself and had become a generally confident person. You told yourself that living with them would be tolerable and better than any other option.

Now you realise that wasn't true, they are abusive. Living with abusers has a dreadful effect on anyone's mental health, including yours.

Look at your options again. I'd sooner live in the cheapest mouldy bedsit than live seven weeks with my mother. Actually, I'd rather pawn everything and Iive in squalor than live seven days with my mother. And yours sounds worse.

AnotherEmma Sat 21-May-16 15:39:21

Well said RunRabbit, I agree.

everybitofsun Sat 21-May-16 15:43:45

Thanks for replies. Just feeling so down.

Sister and mum just got back (dads here so im not left alone obviously!!), and i opened the door to them to be met with a 'hello' in the most snide tone i can think of from memory!!!

i just dont get it. i've not done anything to offend her!

i'm treated like some sort of freak, and yet when im at work, with friends...anyone else really, i dont feel like a freak at all!

draining and my head feels fucked.

looking at places to stay but doesnt look hopeful. i have no money at the moment.

everybitofsun Sat 21-May-16 16:17:32

Feel so claustrophobic... just overheard mum and sister talking about how my mum 'cant wait for me to leave....'

and even if im being hugely critical of myself, i really dont have any idea why.

if im too quiet, im being rude, if im too chatty, i'm being loud.

not sure the house is even worth this anymore. feel like there's adrenaline going through me constantly, when im faced with the next nasty comment.

wonderingsoul Sat 21-May-16 18:09:18

They sound horrendous. I wish we was friends because id offer you my soffa for the next month for free.

Your house is worth it, just think your own place, you wont ever have to go back there.
Are there really no friends you could ask? Even if a not so close friend came to me and asked i couldnt say no. Even just a day or two?

wannabestressfree Sat 21-May-16 18:14:13

In your position I would leave and book into a premier inn or something.
I also would be asking if I was so awful to have to around then why was I invited to stay.
Have you got any friends you could stay with?

everybitofsun Sat 21-May-16 18:15:13

wonderingsoul it might be possible to stay the odd night here and there with friends, but i'm feeling so broken at the moment that i dont know if id be able to keep it together.

i do need to focus on why im doing it. just feel very hard at the weekend when i cant even plan my day because of the house key control rules. makes me feel like a complete idiot!

the problem is, im starting to feel like im weird again, which isnt a feeling ive had since leaving my parents a good few years back now... im scared of falling back into the insecure, worthless woman i used to feel i was before i left.

i could list so much more of the shit they cause, but dont have the energy right now. id forgotten a lot of this stuff from my childhood.

AnotherEmma Sat 21-May-16 18:21:53

Get the hell out of there, woman. Don't let them undo all the good work you've done on your mental health since you moved out in the first place.

Stay with a friend over the weekend while you decide what to do for the next month.

Flanderspigeonmurderer Sat 21-May-16 18:23:35

This sounds intolerable! Could you try calling around some b&bs and negotiating a deal if you can stay for five weeks? Do you have a credit card, if so maybe whack it on that and pay it off over time?

JuanPotatoTwo Sat 21-May-16 18:29:37

Yes, get out every - whatever it takes. The price you'll pay for staying there is way too high, even if it means putting back your house purchase for a month or two. They will do virtually irreparable damage to your self esteem if you stay. And once you do get out, can I suggest you don't go back ever in a hurry, even for a visit.

Good luck flowers

girlinacoma Sat 21-May-16 18:31:41

How awful for you OP

Could they be jealous of you? You say you have established a good career?

They sound awful and toxic!!

SandyY2K Sat 21-May-16 18:33:53

I agree I'd find a cheap b and b or something. I don't understand how parents can behave this way.

If my parents were so horrible I'd cut them out of my life forever. Sounds like your sister doesn't like you either.

As you've told the story here ... it sounds like they very much dislike you and are allowing you to stay out of obligation.

Are you the only child they treat so horribly. Is there more to this as it doesn't make sense?

What do they really add to your life? Doesn't sound like much. Ask at work if someone has a room or knows of one to rent for a few weeks.

RandomMess Sat 21-May-16 18:35:35

Be brave and ask colleagues? Have you a HR dept at work - health & welfare person you can speak to in confidence?

They sound extremely abusive and if you can find anywhere else to stay you need to do it flowers

Tiggywinkler Sat 21-May-16 18:39:39

They sound awful. I'd also put money on the idea that it's KILLING them that you're successful, and about to buy a house - it's a huge achievement. They'd probably love you to fail from the sounds of it, so don't give them the satisfaction!

AnneElliott Sat 21-May-16 18:39:46

Can you ask a friend if you can stay with them OP? I would have any of my friends to stay if they needed it.

eddielizzard Sat 21-May-16 18:47:27

for your own sanity i think you need to get out. if you really really can't stay out as much as possible and at home stay in your bedroom. don't eat their food, eat your main meal at lunch at work. cut contact to the absolute minimum.

flowers sounds awful. hang in there. only 5 weeks to go.

memyselfandaye Sat 21-May-16 18:47:46

Can you afford a Premier Inn, hire a camper van, buy a tent and go to a caravan site, or look for static caravan holidays in your area.

Do you have Park Resorts or Haven near by?

Tbh a tent under a bridge sounds more fun than having to suffer living with your parents a minute longer, the sound awful.

Buggers Sat 21-May-16 19:19:15

I was expecting you to be OTT about small issues but Jesus they sound awful! Are they like this with your sister and were they like this towards you when you weren't living with them?

BreakWindandFire Sat 21-May-16 19:19:48

Do you have 24 hour access at work? Showers on site? If so you could get a sleeping bag and use an empty office overnight (just don't tell work you are doing it). I know it's not a good option, but right now it sounds like a park bench would be preferable to your current situation.

Also check out websites like hostel world. You might be able to get a place in a dorm for £10 a night.

TwoLeftSocks Sat 21-May-16 19:28:52

Can you put a note up at work looking for lodgings for five weeks? And just ask all your friends if they have a spare room or know someone who does? Sounds bloody awful!

HeartsofOak Sat 21-May-16 19:29:55

Whereabouts are you OP, roughly eg SW. There might be someone who could offer you a room for a month.

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